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1:11 PM, Thursday, March 4th, 2021:   A dozen years ago, a TV station in the Phillipines did a story on videoblogging and thanks to being recognized as the first and longest vlogger the year before, included me. It created this very surreal moment (which I'm remastering for the Official Journey movie later this year) and current swirlings in my brain meant: entry and video. So, voila:      I'll admit, the original version still holds a special place in my heart because it looks so awful, but it starts off a 5 Volume, 50 year set of movies and blown up? 320x240 flash video is so, so, so painful. I had no choice but to pay respects to the orignal file at the beginning and end of the bit. Hopefully that will make sense upon first viewing.   But I bring all of this up because it's now quite clear that what seemed like a very loving olive branch last week was somewhat naive. I contacted Charlotte on an impulse and we really did have a wonderful 2-hour conversation that felt exactly like our previous conversations from years before. Even bringing up the idea of talking about our past felt emotional in a positive way and we couldn't have left the conversation any better. She joked that the only question was whether she'd watch "Fastest Delorean" that night (it was late) or tomorrow. Knowing her, she turned it on immediately...   And that was well over a week ago, far past what a quick note or text would take and you realize that she doesn't want to talk further and I certainly don't want to push her to. I mean, I already know she doesn't consider "The Journey" art. In fact I'm curious as to why I even suggested she watch "Fastest Delorean" considering it's just a big Journey movie. I guess I just wanted my friend to see what I was creating? I thought she'd enjoy it? Maybe the Kenny texts reminded her of our own texts together? I have no idea and she clearly doesn't want to bring it up considering I always blew off her assertions that what I considered valuable was not. Because, clearly, you're going to be hard-pressed to convince me to stop this project. In fact, she may be one of the only people on the planet that thinks I should. To her, it was always an exhausting amount of work that kept me from other creative endeavors. Looking back on the 10+ years since we had spoken last? That's just a really, really bad take. Laughably bad and I guess she doesn't want to hear me laughing. Fair.   But it has done a number on my psyche simply in the absence of her contact. Which has been wildly eye-opening for a guy who thinks he's conquered so many of his demons. Her approval, as I mentioned in the last entry, was part of a larger issue I had for my entire life. That need to please any woman that showed even a PASSING fancy in me or my talents. It doesn't matter that we weren't romantically involved, as my manager she showed interest and that set off all the same bells and whistles in my brain. It devastated me in 2002, again in 2008 (but to a lesser degree) and even now? It clearly still triggers that little boy asking "Why don't you love me?". Of course now the question feels more like "Why can't you understand that your idea of how my life should go was never really me?" I mean, I'm at a disadvantage here because she can read all of this and then still never respond... but whatever: "Do you think I'm secretly unhappy? Do you think I wish I was doing more than making these films and living this life? Are you so isolated within the idea of the entertainment industry that you never speak to actual artists? Are you avoiding all of your own relationship issues with others, still? That whole 'you can't be wrong' running joke we used to have... have you just ignored that character flaw for ANOTHER DECADE?"   I sometimes feel like the only person who could say those things to her and have it resonate. Especially now because the things she said about me for so long just clearly weren't true. I mean, people judged the person I was from 2000-2010 because I was a thrice divorced man who was seemingly spinning. But I always knew I was the guy that would still be married to Burgundie 25 years later if she hadn't decided we were just friends 9 months after our wedding. I was always the loyal monogamous guy and anyone who has known me from 2010-2020 doesn't even think twice about it. But I haven't changed. I just had to believe in myself in a vacuum and play the cards that were dealt. I finally got a good hand in that department! Woo hoo. Glad I never listened to what others thought of me. Same with the career, really. Hell, from the original Phillipines entry in 2009:   "I even said it in these entries during the lean times in 2002, 2003 that at some point in the future - all of this would make sense. Times when I swear only a dozen people ever kept up 'cause it was sooooooooo depressing. I knew it was all for something later. Surely I was just a bit delusional, but when you're doing something that no one else is doing, and several people tell you point blank: "why the fuck are you doing that?", you have no choice but to isolate yourself a bit, be delusional, and have faith. Just hard to believe I did it for so long without any recognition. It's a testament to just how therapeutic it all is."   Well shit, now "vlogging" is more lucrative than network TV shows. It's a known, known. Can she really not call it "art" because I only have a couple million views on my channel and not a couple hundred million? Or that I really do enjoy living the strangest life ever and making 90 minute documentaries out of them? Is my film distributor not an actual art distributor? LMAO. I mean, how silly is all of this? Who gives a fuck? Can't you cheer someone who is happy even if you think he should be doing something else? I sure as fuck was happy for her career even if I think she's missing a few key qualities that would make her more successful. <shrugs> what the fuck do I know?   And I guess if that's the case? WHY TALK TO EACH OTHER? Which is where we are now. Which is why I really have to let it go and see if she extends the invitation to continue. It's only frustrating because I fully believe one knock-down drag-out telephone fight would actually work with us. Ever have those with friends? The "come to Jesus" moments where you just lay it all out, everyone's raw and angry and emotional and seething... but then you calm down. You start picking up the pieces and you GROW. Like... you GROW. You really SEE their side. You feel it, you bond and you truly can move on.   Of course playing this out in my head I remember that some of our "Greatest Hits" when it comes to our issues is me say something happened and her saying "I don't believe you."   Uhm. Well... Ma'am, I was there. Jim really said that. I was shocked and embarrassed and I'm telling you the truth verbatim, so... if that's your only defense for these moments? I guess there is no conversation. There's no reply once someone calls you a liar. Especially when you're not lying.   God, 20 years. I will probably think I can get her to see my side in 20 more years. <throws hands up> It's just in me. I always think communication will eventually win. I guess that's why I spend my life communicating through writing, singing, acting, directing, filming and producing.   Thankfully her words never stopped that and I've had the happiest and most successful 12 year stretch since we lost touch.   A Maker's Dozen.   Adam