Entry #2062
8:15 PM - August 22nd, 2020
How do you start an entry like this? Slowly, I guess.
Feelings-wise - the majority of me feels like this is already done. Now that will pass. That will pass as logistics take over and the realities set in. However... I know this feeling and I had it in 1999. CD101 stopped me by offering me a better on-air position and then within a few days THAT was gone and the path was set: I was off to LA.
This time the path started on August 17th. Three entries ago watching my kids start school in our make-shift corner of the house. A seed of anger hit me. We were making lemonade (I'm good at that) and doing all we could... but the REASON started to really, really, really piss me off.
Like, I should be THE candidate for being pissed off about the COVID response since my grandfather died from it in April. He died alone, that's fucking awful. However, after not living in the same state as the man for over 20 years, the real pain there was being empathetic towards my mother who had to deal with everything. CeBe having to die alone on the other hand is what really wrecked my psyche. Not that a dog is worth more than a human, but for my personal emotional state - I just wasn't in Ohio. Couldn't be in Ohio.
So I'm pretty much in the "FUCK the people that let this happen" camp. But I never got really angry? Until three entries ago. My kids losing the end of their Kindergarten and 1st grade years sucked. A whole lot. Them now losing the ENTIRETY of their 1st and 2nd grade years is nearly unforgiveable with something as FUCKING EASY TO DEAL WITH as a goddamned virus. The idea that they could also lose more? 2nd and 3rd grade? Their entire elemntary school years? Never leaving the house because the administration has politicized a fucking vaccine to the point where we don't know what's real anymore? I've said all of this in that a few days ago... but today? Today felt different.
Because now we're actually making the plans. Who will sell what property... what the real estate market looks like in Vancouver. The schools, the system. Talya, her mother and I have been privately obsessing over those details and then talking about it after. Kind of laughing at how we've all found the same Facebook groups, etc. Learning about how immigration works, the paths to get there. Even downloading forms and starting the paperwork.
Today was the day it felt real.
Now, it isn't real yet. I cannot say that enough. It isn't 1999, I'm not 24, and I most assuredly do NOT want to move. I'm angry. I'm angry this has even gotten to this point. I'm angry Trump isn't down by 20 and I have to type this. I'm angry that even if Biden gets in? This run is already over. This virus couldn't be stopped now no matter who is in charge. You want Biden so we can go back to normalcy FOR THE NEXT ONE. The hope that after 4 years of Trump we can rewrite our constitution so this shit doesn't happen again. But the reality is, propaganda and misinformation is SO unchecked? It may not matter. Biden may absolutely win and next spring we will still have to make the choice and move our family...

...so we can have a community that believes in science and being kind. Honestly, a community that isn't being targetted by cyber propaganda. Make no mistake, that's what's happening. We're a target, and we're being targetted. Canada ain't. Lots of countries are not targets of this shit because they're just not big players. But the US and parts of Europe? Are ABSOLUTELY targets. Brexit wasn't organic, folks. Trump wasn't organic. It's the result of targetted disinformation campaigns that governments cannot figure out how to control. While they all focus on privacy with social media, the unregulated propaganda campaigns FLY BY. And here we are.
Again, I have said this for years and I don't mean to repeat myself but today, 8/22/20 felt different. So different I had to say to Talya and Karen: "Try to compartmentalize because if your heart is already in Canada, we won't be able to make good decisions." Partly saying that to myself as well.
I will say this - knowing we have an "out"? Helps. The stress of 2020 and all we're losing is HEAVY. Knowing we have an exit strategy helps. It helps a lot. We are extremely fortunate. We have money. We own property. We have choices. We can do this. Not many people can say that. So as our country falls apart, we can have our own private tears for what we grew up believing in being gone... but we can look ahead at starting a new life.
It's with that I show you today's video which is honestly, very stupid. It has meaning for me because I shot it right after the 3 of us we're talking SO seriously about Vancouver. Where you could just feel the energy shift and then the kids put on this "show" while we're all still processing everything.
And they're the reason this is happening. Without kids? All of us would be in the streets right now. We would be fighting the good fight and trying to reshape the future of our country. With kids this young however? All that matters is they get a normal fucking life. They get to GO TO FUCKING SCHOOL. They get to have friends. They get to have birthday parties. You know - LIFE.
And 100 million of you still won't vote. Man, fuck you all.