Entry #2049
12:50 PM - July 12th, 2020
These are some pretty heavy back-to-backers, eh?
So the letter I wrote... wow, almost a year ago to the DAY... to my cousin still lingers in my brain. I loved him like a brother... and more than any male I've ever known besides my father. Writing that letter ripped me to shreds and I still dream about it and it still lingers. The dreams are always as follows:
We find ourselves in a room together and there's really no escape. We're alone and have to talk and there's this massive pink elephant in the room: Talya and I writing a letter to say we cannot support their marriage. It's awful. But we talk. And for some reason he really hears me this time. In reality we had talked often of his wife's issues and to be honest, I said pretty much the same thing in the letter I said on the phone to him. Of course, when it's in writing (and the wife reads your texts and emails) it will CLEARLY hold more weight. There was no coming back from that letter. But in the dream, we find some common ground.
This last dream however was different... she came in and that sinking feeling hit me in the stomach. It's the feeling I had around her for the last 2 years we spent time with them. Every time Talya and I would get in the car after or had a moment to talk alone, we just looked at each other with worry and concern. This isn't good. What do we say? How do we apporach this. We would always just get through it and realize since they purposely spent less and less time with us it really didn't matter...
...of course I loved the dude, so it did matter. If I didn't, I would've just said fuck it and kept the peace. So as the dream continued (and I never have dreams this linear - usually Bob Saget has jumped in or some shit... ) she kept talking and I kept biting my tongue. And then this thought hit me: "Adam, what are you doing? What are you mending? Is this what you want?" and I wake up and shake my head...
...of course not. That's why you wrote the letter. You couldn't keep up the facade anymore. You couldn't watch your children fall in love with this superficial loveliness when the reality was absolute chaos that was turning your cousin into a shell of who you knew. If you didn't say something now, when they're 5 and 6... it's just gonna get harder. I missed my brother. He was gone when she was there. Just the way it is.
Then we go to my neighbor Jed's house to swim and see this:
That cement Elvis was my Cousin Nick's and Jimmy brought it from Ohio when he moved out here. It was donated to GolfKon and was basically a memorial for Nick who passed away unexpectedly, but as GolfKon changed into movie themed, it no longer fit...
...and as it reminded me of my heartbreak I wanted to return it. But I was ghosted. Blocked from everything, no forwarding address - they moved to Northern California. It's also like an 80 pound cement block and honestly part of my issue with my cousin was he abandoned all things "family" after meeting his wife. So he surely didn't care. Man - I forgot about that family aspect for a moment. Whew.
Anyway so I gave it to Jed. It fits in his backyard WAY BETTER and is an incredible conversation piece. Even if the present owner doesn't know the conversation.
And life moves on...