Entry #2046
3:13 PM - June 28th, 2020
I guess it's inevitable. No matter how good your situation is during this pandemic... no matter how well prepared you were financially, emotionally - all that... at some point? The lack of an outside world just depresses you. And it's seemingly a different depression than others: it's not that people are awful and our country is being dismantled daily... man, how do I explain this.
Since I left home 26 years ago... no, that's not true... since I started writing songs over 30 years ago there was this over-arching ambition and belief in my head that said "I bet I can do that." And I just jumped. For the past 30 years I've presumed that was just this thing that was in me: the ability to literally MAKE UP deadlines or goals JUST to meet them. 4tvs, GolfKon, Delorean, TV, Film... I was THE self-starter. Any field, any topic. And even though most of what I do is connecting with people ONLINE and through video... it's not working now. You'd think mr. vlogger would be LOVING this shit. For awhile I kinda was, but more just the homebody part of me...
...but now? I'm realizing? I am an extrovert too. I do both as easily as I juggle. Half of me is just gone. Like... only so many phone calls before you just need to actually see a motherfucker and interact. On top of that? All of my projects need to be WITHIN a living, breathing world. It's not enough for me to experience it and then show it. I need to VIEW others experiencing it. I need it not just to be seen, I need to also interact with people who have SEEN whatever the fuck it is... in real time, face-to-face... OUTSIDE OF MY FUCKING PROPERTY. Otherwise it's all incomplete.
And the "outside my property" is a big one. I want to TRAVEL. I want to go ANYWHERE I haven't been before. It's funny though, some days? I just think I'm the luckiest fucker ever and I walk around my backyard brimming.
I mean, I guess that was always true? But in the past month or so that shit is DAILY. Like the mood swing is that intense. Not ANGRILY mind you just... depressed. Like appreciative/depressed back-to-back, repeatedly.
So of course you self-medicate with food. Or alcohol. Or sex. Or weed. Which leads back to food. Which may explain the inability to stay on course diet and exercise-wise.
But then even the self-medication routine bores you but THESE GODDAMN KIDS KEEP WHINING. Like, quick aside:
KIDS ARE KILLIN US RIGHT NOW. Through no fault of their own, really. They're depressed too! But what they need is recess. They need to really get out and they're done with the FUCKING GOLF COURSE. I mean, duh it's day 109. We're all going nuts. I just had avoided so much of this. Not so much anymore.
So a couple days ago at dawn, this happened...
...and it worked. The past couple days it has worked... every morning. Something about being outside, it actually being cool like a crisp fall morning (deserts are so weird like that - without sun this shit gets cold) and seeing those lake and river views? Whew. It felt like I traveled. Now this too will grow old and I'll need to find other things... but they're all gonna be shitty compared to: LEAVING.
Leaving and making shit happen. There. That's actually it. Even if I didn't do it everyday I had the freedom to go out and just change my world. I could MAKE SHIT HAPPEN when I felt like this. And right now? There's no shit to MAKE happen. Even trying to conjure shit out of thin-air can't happen. I mean, you'd think the Jordan Doc would help but it's really pretty easy to complete. I'll finish it in about a week once I lose some damn weight. But it will just go on Amazon, it will be fun to see how it's received. But that's it. No screenings, no meeting people. No - nothing. It's off into the ether and my life just stays RIGHT HERE.
Goddamn. I'm rambling. Ya know - nearly every time I've felt this way that's always when the shit seemingly appears. I sure hope that happens soon. I'm kinda losin' it.