Entry #2034
3:50 PM - May 26th, 2020
So yeah, I'm failing this diet thing like I've never done before. Not even putting it IN STONE in the Journey helped. Something I've honestly never done before. I always wait until I'm "on board" to make it public. But alas, the pandemic has truly fucked my ability to pull this off so I might as well write about it...
There's this underlying depression to every day now. Even though I'm a homebody, I'm realizing how much I need the outside world to be spinning. If it isn't? I'm gung ho until about 4-5pm and then I just want comfort. I want comfort food, comfort drinks and the comfort of my family playing games or watching movies. It's the best. I love them all. And until those fuckers LEAVE during the day? I'm having a hard time seeing how I'll fight that comfort. And then with the quaranteam coming over? Oh you just want to party.
However, I have to beat this. Like, I cannot make my Meeting Michael documentary and look unrecognizeable when all I need to do is lose some weight, cut my hair and I look great. And? I'm actually slowly killing myself and putting myself at a higher risk if I did get this virus. There's a million reasons why I need to get back on track but the monotony of these days with no end in sight is truly something I've never dealt with. I guess none of us have ever dealt with. It's just wild because I'm SUCH a self-motivator. I make shit up in my head (like deadlines for GolfKon) that are completely arbitrary... and it WORKS. I should be MADE for this shit. But as I said, knowing that the world isn't really spinning out there... it truly fucks with my ability to pull myself out of the comfort zone I'm in.
Then of course add in, that all Talya and I do all day is try to keep the horror of this from the kids. The fact that they may never go back to school here, that we may move to a completely different country just so they can go to fucking school... that people are protesting for the most basic of rights and that the country I knew growing up is most likely gone forever. Talya and I still see all of that in bits and pieces on our phone in between games and fun and we subconsciously just try and feel good. If that's overeating, or edibles (which certainly help the overeating) or alcohol or whatever... we do that shit. I cannot do ANY of that shit and be healthy. I mean, the weed maybe if I'm ALREADY falling asleep? Yeah, it helps me sleep. But alcohol is awful in every way. Overeating feels like drinking at some point - you wake up distraught. In fact my 24 hour fast this month was so eye-opening: I woke up the next day feeling like a complete badass. So much energy! My body was so fucking happy it didn't have to process all that shit.
I'll try again (and again and again) and I know at some point something will click and I'll be off to the races. It always does.
Just taking a lot longer than I hoped. Ain't that the motto of 2020.
No idea what this video should be but you can't go wrong with our cats. Their fights are legendary.
Heh. Animals rock.