- 4:43 PM - May 1st,
- So as I presumed,
we did get word that my grandfather tested positive
for COVID. There's nothing really to add, just felt
like it should be documented. It's weird, when
I speak of my maternal side of my family
I feel like I'm an awful person. They're private
and I was always the alien that was open and
vulnerable with feelings, etc. Though as I get
older I'm realizing that I'm not THAT emotional, the
only weird thing is The Journey and sharing it. As a
kid I thought I must be some sort of defective unit
because I wanted to cry or laugh too loud or... be
what I now realize is human? Strange. So even
writing that my grandfather died of COVID seems like
I've said too much and I'm torn on even posting
- Wow. It's hitting
me how fucked up that is. My grandfather, no matter
how UN-close I was with him, died of COVID and I'm
afraid to say it out loud because of how others in our
family might think of me. Haven't said anything on
Facebook or anything publicly (The Journey is hardly
"public" considering the impossibility of happening
upon the site)... but yeah it's really engrained. I
think they would believe I was doing it for attention?
Which is exactly why I'm not posting it on FB. The
truth is I didn't really have a relationship with him.
All my feelings of him are THROUGH my mother or my
uncle (whom I grew up with like a brother - 3 1/2 year
difference). I didn't have any personal bonding
moments. They were all with my maternal grandmother
who passed away 20 years ago. Entries
#76 and #77
believe it or not. That devastated me and continues to
hurt to this day. With my grandfather however, I just
hurt for my mom... and the visuals of that
- ...a handful of
people, 6 feet apart, all in masks... her unable to
hug her brother or his family. Being cautioned not to
touch him in the open casket because he had the virus
and we just don't fucking know anything to know what
to be scared of. Jesus how awful.
- ...I'm hoping my
mom just might understand how important staying home
is now. Today starts Day 1 of her new quarantine and
I'm really hoping the person she lives with
understands just how serious this is considering they
buried her father today. All I can do is
- ...and remarkably
I'm finding that my brain won't allow it and it goes
into a defensive mode where I already expect they will
not listen, they will get sick, and they too will die
this year. And I just prepare myself mentally each day
because hope is actually painful. I'd rather be
prepared and pleasantly surprised that I'm wrong
rather than continue to hope and get destroyed. Fuck,
is there a more glaring sentence in this Journey than
that? There's your 20 years of hope and destiny. Even
with a beautiful 2nd half of that time, I still
absolutely feel like tragedy will pull the rug out
from under me and I want to be prepared for
- Then again, that's
also being a parent. You just think like that and make
sure you're ready.
- On that note I
just have this nasty inkling an earthquake is gonna
knock out utilities at some point during all of this
and we really need much much more in reserves
food-wise. We stocked up for 60 days, but jesus we're
already at day 51. Day 51. WOW. There is a very good
possibility that this stupid white entry slate takes
over the year. Fuck.
- And do I even get
into all that? The political aspects of this and the
insanity of armed protesters demanding the fucking
hair salon opens? I mean... what happens when we do
have the vaccine and we can't get to 80% immunity? And
we NEVER get past this? This is where you move, right?
This is where you find a functioning government like
NEW ZEALAND and just move. I always thought it
would be the school shootings that would do it, but
that's still a *maybe event. This is a NOW event. And
if 20% of this country refuses a vaccine, we're all
fucked. Not just for COVID... for the NEXT issue.
And the NEXT. Like, the US may be the poster-child for
the new fall of the Roman Empire. While other
coutnries lock up their airports and watch us all
drown. I mean can any of you picture the year 2030?
2040? You think this misinformation and idiocracy gets
This could be what eventually pushes the buttons for
me. The health of my immuno-compromised son may do it.
- Welcome to May
- Oh, a video. Fuck.
Here's what's hapenning in Huntington Beach right now.
A city about 50 miles south of us.
- These stupid
fuckers. I swear to fuck. Mother nature is just
sweeping these idiots off the planet thankfully... but
there's collateral damage and sadly my grandfather was
one. I hope it stays at one.
- You stupid,
stupid, stupid people.