Entry #2025
4:43 PM - May 1st, 2020
So as I presumed, we did get word that my grandfather tested positive for COVID. There's nothing really to add, just felt like it should be documented. It's weird, when I speak of my maternal side of my family I feel like I'm an awful person. They're private and I was always the alien that was open and vulnerable with feelings, etc. Though as I get older I'm realizing that I'm not THAT emotional, the only weird thing is The Journey and sharing it. As a kid I thought I must be some sort of defective unit because I wanted to cry or laugh too loud or... be what I now realize is human? Strange. So even writing that my grandfather died of COVID seems like I've said too much and I'm torn on even posting this.
Wow. It's hitting me how fucked up that is. My grandfather, no matter how UN-close I was with him, died of COVID and I'm afraid to say it out loud because of how others in our family might think of me. Haven't said anything on Facebook or anything publicly (The Journey is hardly "public" considering the impossibility of happening upon the site)... but yeah it's really engrained. I think they would believe I was doing it for attention? Which is exactly why I'm not posting it on FB. The truth is I didn't really have a relationship with him. All my feelings of him are THROUGH my mother or my uncle (whom I grew up with like a brother - 3 1/2 year difference). I didn't have any personal bonding moments. They were all with my maternal grandmother who passed away 20 years ago. Entries #76 and #77 believe it or not. That devastated me and continues to hurt to this day. With my grandfather however, I just hurt for my mom... and the visuals of that burial.
...a handful of people, 6 feet apart, all in masks... her unable to hug her brother or his family. Being cautioned not to touch him in the open casket because he had the virus and we just don't fucking know anything to know what to be scared of. Jesus how awful. However...
...I'm hoping my mom just might understand how important staying home is now. Today starts Day 1 of her new quarantine and I'm really hoping the person she lives with understands just how serious this is considering they buried her father today. All I can do is hope.
...and remarkably I'm finding that my brain won't allow it and it goes into a defensive mode where I already expect they will not listen, they will get sick, and they too will die this year. And I just prepare myself mentally each day because hope is actually painful. I'd rather be prepared and pleasantly surprised that I'm wrong rather than continue to hope and get destroyed. Fuck, is there a more glaring sentence in this Journey than that? There's your 20 years of hope and destiny. Even with a beautiful 2nd half of that time, I still absolutely feel like tragedy will pull the rug out from under me and I want to be prepared for it.
Then again, that's also being a parent. You just think like that and make sure you're ready.
On that note I just have this nasty inkling an earthquake is gonna knock out utilities at some point during all of this and we really need much much more in reserves food-wise. We stocked up for 60 days, but jesus we're already at day 51. Day 51. WOW. There is a very good possibility that this stupid white entry slate takes over the year. Fuck.
And do I even get into all that? The political aspects of this and the insanity of armed protesters demanding the fucking hair salon opens? I mean... what happens when we do have the vaccine and we can't get to 80% immunity? And we NEVER get past this? This is where you move, right? This is where you find a functioning government like NEW ZEALAND and just move. I always thought it would be the school shootings that would do it, but that's still a *maybe event. This is a NOW event. And if 20% of this country refuses a vaccine, we're all fucked. Not just for COVID... for the NEXT issue. And the NEXT. Like, the US may be the poster-child for the new fall of the Roman Empire. While other coutnries lock up their airports and watch us all drown. I mean can any of you picture the year 2030? 2040? You think this misinformation and idiocracy gets BETTER?
Sheeeeeeeeeeeit. This could be what eventually pushes the buttons for me. The health of my immuno-compromised son may do it.
Welcome to May 2020.
Oh, a video. Fuck. Here's what's hapenning in Huntington Beach right now. A city about 50 miles south of us.
These stupid fuckers. I swear to fuck. Mother nature is just sweeping these idiots off the planet thankfully... but there's collateral damage and sadly my grandfather was one. I hope it stays at one.
You stupid, stupid, stupid people.