Entry #2023
12:18 PM - April 29th, 2020
My grandfather died in his nursing home yesterday. We were told yesterday he had pneumonia and they were testing him for COVID. He was fine this morning, they came back to give him lunch and he was gone. It's very matter of fact and also very hard to believe that his coughing and breathing issues are just coincidental, just pneumonia, but the tests will soon tell us. Not that it matters. They have to treat everything like COVID these days which means if there even is a service it's 10 people or less, social distancing the whole nine. Just fucking awful. And of course I can't go back and be with my mom who desperately needs someone.
On April 11th she got a letter from the nursing home saying there was a COVID case at the home. I spent a long time talking with my mom as clear as I could... that this was it. I think my exact words were "are you prepared that he's not gonna make it out of this month?" Of course the next day we had to put CeBe down in that horrible COVID mirage and now about 2 weeks later: boom.
I was not close with my maternal grandfather so all of this is just my concern for my mother. She hadn't been able to see her dad for over a month and although they tried to do video phoning with him, at 88 he seemed pretty lost apparently. And then you get the news that COVID is in the nursing home and, well, you're just expecting the worst. You've just left him there and you have zero control. Will life ever be the same again? It sure doesn't feel like it. And these ridiculous "re-openings" of cities is going to be a disaster. We're at what, 60,000 deaths at the end of April? Whew. End of May and June is going to be horrific. Thes fucking yahoos with guns demanding their freedoms...
And of course I have to wonder what comes next. April was baaaaaaaaaaad. My mother hasn't been the most "quarantine-cognizant" the past month and nothing I seem to say seems to register with her nor the man she lives with that there really is no reason to go out right now. I wonder if this will do it. I can't fly back. I mean it's a given I can't fly back for my grandfather, but I can't fly back for anything. If my mom gets sick... I listen to her on the phone. And she ain't very healthy. I mean... whew. It's hard to process all of this and it's getting harder and harder to hide in a video game.
My goodness what video goes with THIS fucking entry. Oh, actually I do have video of the day my grandfather met Vienna. He's the first grandfather in this video...
It's all like some chapter in a book. I've said that for 20 years now but the distance and the time really turn your memories into far-off places. When you don't see people often they get frozen in time... and as the decades pass that's all you have.
What moment in time.