Entry #2009
2:11 PM - February 29th, 2020
My life stopped on January 26th. No other way to describe it. I'm writing today only beacuse it's the last day of the month and 4 entries seems a bit more responsible than 3?
In reality a lot went on last year that still resonates today and I can no longer gloss over it and be fair to The Journey.
Talya and I had to write a really difficult letter to a family member in July and though we knew he'd be angry and this would change our relationship, we weren't expecting to have zero reaction. Ghosting our kids, complete erasure... never even saying the letter was received. I knew he wasn't the most considerate person, but this stunned even us. We labored over the letter that was years in the making. We shared it with other family members before sending. It wrecked us to write it and it was littered with how much I loved him... but we couldn't keep acting like everything was OK. I personally couldn't put my family in the situation anymore and we knew this was a bomb. It was absolutely our choice to not placate a bad situation and be superficial and although I tried to touch on the situation with kid gloves for a couple years? I could never pull the trigger and say: DUDE, GET OUT. THIS, IS, BAD. We crossed a threshold in June. We had to say something.
Him completely ghosting of course says everything about who he is. It says that who he was the 7 years we spent with him was somewhat "rose-colored glasses". There were times with other family members that he was inconsiderate and of course I was on his side... but it did strike me as odd. He didn't invite some family to his wedding for what was seemingly the tiniest of slights? Like crazy shit. I told him then: "Dude, why would you not invite them? That's a KING size slap in the face. Family is forever dude". He ignored that. He didn't go back for his grandmother's funeral... I mean. I should've known there was something then. I should've known. He would turn his back the moment you said ANYTHING that was confrontational or that he disagreed with...
...that being said, if I had received a letter from a family member saying they thought my wife was awful and that they couldn't be around her? WHEW. I too wouldn't have talked to the person for a bit. And when I did? It would be to say goodbye. To say I loved them for all they had done and that I'd never forget it but this is my life now and we're gonna have to part ways for the time being.
It's a sad situation for someone who I not only considered a brother? He's the only person I ever have. It was almost fatherly how I felt towards him. This big brother responsibility that I took as seriously as any role I've ever had. It's why I had to write that letter. I was being an AWFUL brother by continuing to act like that situation was OK. It wasn't OK. It isn't OK. And I hated having to tip-toe around someone I loved dearly for fear it might upset him. For fear that this EXACT thing would've happened.
But it happened. And my kids do not understand why he won't return my calls. Why we can't facetime with him. He's in nearly every video of them growing up. They love him to death. He couldn't be bothered...
...that or he couldn't handle what he'd come home to if he continued contact. (sigh)
You're the first person I wanted to talk to when Kobe passed, man. I've written... what, 4 letters now since July? Half-dozen of attempted calls? I think I'm done. What am I fighting to get back? Do I want you around my kids if you can turn them off this easily? You were the first person to hold them other than me and Talya, dude. Do you realize that? Do you realize that actually means more than your current situation?
Your grandmother's funeral meant more. Your relationship with the relatives you didn't invite to your wedding meant more.

Your father would be incredibly disappointed, man. I mean - absolutely crushed. I know he's gone and you don't have to listen to him say that to you... but I know you can hear him. I know we're all in there somewhere. Those 7 years we had where we shared everything is in there somewhere.
I loved you so much.
PS - this pretty much sums up my "lost month". Playing Jenga with Cam. Man we've had the best month just hanging out and doing nothing.