Entry #2008
7:38 PM - February 24th, 2020
What the fuck was that. I mean what, the fuck... was that?
I spent the first week after Kobe crying daily. Like weeping crying. I got past that. I was sure the event today would be more of a celebration. Beyonce started with that song and it felt odd... but I guess this is how some people celebrate tragedy? And then I saw Vanessa... wait, what? She's THERE? Wait she's gonna speak? Oh god I knew I wasn't gonna do well.
Talya and I curled up in a ball on separate sides of the couch and just criiiiiiiiiiiied. Well I thought I cried. And then I saw my childhood hero lose it... and people? Not sure I remember weeping like that in 20 years. It was suddenly 1989. I was that kid. What he meant to me then, he suddenly meant to me right now. And it reminded of how I felt when Kobe first appeared on the scene. I was and still am the biggest MJ fan of all. My documentary this year will cement that I'm sure... but when Kobe hit the scene and won the slam dunk contest (which hit my brain as: the next Jordan?) I wasn't angry or protective of MJ... I remember thinking: COOL! Come at him! Let's see this! Then I saw that dud speaking Italian and I was like what the fuck is thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis? Oh hell yes Kobe. Change expectations. I loved Kobe. I was thrilled when I moved to LA in 2000 to be able to have the Lakers be my home town team. It was always in the shadow of Jordan and in comparison to him. Which was amazing... because Kobe fed off that.

Seeing Jordan up there talking about a relationship that I did NOT know existed fucked, me, UP. They hid that shit. I figured they respected each other but didn't really talk like most of the icons of the game. They're doing their own thing. We were all wrong. Wow. And then the moment. To date, the biggest laugh-cry I have ever imagined. I was clutching a pillow trying to muffle the sound of me weeping when he mentioned the crying meme and of... well that's obviously the video:
The release of emotion... I laughed so loud and so long. Probably because the felt like a more acceptable sound to make next to your wife? I mean, I clearly don't hide my emotions with my wife but peeps... I was losing it. LMAO. Like... this shit hit me DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP. Fuckin' hell.
So yeah, I've pretty much lost a month of my life. February 2020 hardly existed. I may have 4 entries total and that's pushing it. I have shunned everything and hugged my family like never before. I don't want to do anything else. I don't want go anywhere... and after the craziness that was 2019? The Delorean business seems to know that. Very little on the horizon (though it does always seem to pick up about now and fill in the rest of the year) and I'm enjoying every down moment possible. I needed this.
So, hopefully this signals the end of the intense grieving period for Kobe. I'm forever changed from this and I'm stunned it has taken up so much space in my head/heart and this Journey. Funny what hits you...