Entry #2006
8:55 AM - February 2nd, 2020
A week has passed since Kobe and his daughter died and I've been a little embarassed to admit how much it has hurt me. How depressed I am. How I still haven't completed a day without bursting into tears. How I wake up in the middle of the night and fall into YouTube traps of Kobe or even analyzing the crash and trying to figure out why on earth they came down at that speed. The audio from th nest cams is chilling and I cannot seem to stop obsessing.
I'm tired of the online arguments over his accusation from '03, tired of people being angry that there's not enough mourning over the others that died (we didn't know them, duh). But it all kind of goes in one ear and out the other. I feel like I haven't moved since it happened. And I don't want to move. I want Animal Crossing to come out and I want us all to play it, every day, never move and have literally nothing change. I'm not doing well. As I wrote in the initial Kobe entry it hit me on so many different levels and my connection with my wife and kids is so strong... I'm just not doing well. No other way to say it.
Business is also abnormally slow. I missed out on a week of work to someone who was closer (understandably) and for the first 3 months of this year we're looking at maybe 5 gigs? We average over 8 per month. So something is clearly up but that's why I always save. We're fine. But me not being up and about and talking to people is hurting my psyche a bit. I love being a husband and dad... but miss being just a random person to others. I miss having friends outside of my family. That is of course the othe cloud hanging over this that I have yet to address or have unlocked within these pages. That may have to change soon.
For now we all drive around this city incapable of not being reminded.
It feels like we've all stopped.