- Entry
#2005
-
- 2:38 PM - January
27th, 2020
-
- I, was accused, of
rape.
-
- I have never had
non-consensual sexual contact with anyone. I won't
even go to a restaurant with a woman she doesn't like.
As the son of a single-mother my entire worldview was
shaped through her experience and not to be too
graphic (though it's going to be later), the woman is
always the focus of any sexual encounter I've ever
had. I come last literally and figuratively. Just how
my head (both) works. I say that publicly with the
full knowledge that several of the people I'm
connected to on Facebook could dog me, right now, if I
were lying.
-
- I was in
highschool when a massive football player came up to
me after school screaming that I had forced his
girlfriend (before they were together) to go down on
me. I denied this and behind me a crowd started to
form. I said "she wanted to" and he promptly picked me
up and THREW ME. I look up and see her there amongst
the crowd. So I take off my backpack, march up to her
and say "You looked me in the eye, said 'will you
think I'm a slut if I blow you?', I said 'no', and
then you did." She starts crying, covers her face,
turns away and her boyfriend grabs me AGAIN and hurls
my ass across the grass. I again tell him directly to
his face that I never forced anything and he goes
after her. I get in my friend's car (he's driving me
home), when I see the football player storm the car,
open the passenger side and start repeatedly punching
me in the side of the head. I get the door closed, we
leave.
-
- Everything calms
down, but my reputation is gone. No one doesn't know
about this incident and only the fact that I was
presently dating my future wife and no one else was I
able to shield myself from that stigma as I spent all
of my time with her. The last day of school comes and
I see the football player in an empty hallway walking
away from me and I yell out his name. He had since
broken up with her. He turns and comes towards me. I
don't back down and once again, now nearly 8 months
later, tell him: "You know I never forced her,
right?"
-
- "Yeah I knew. But
she was my girlfriend and I had to defend her. Sorry,
man."
-
- <blink>
-
- Years pass.
Facebook comes along. It's now about 15 years since
the incident and we're all adding our high school
friends and the girl pops up and we connect. Nothing
is said. We end up meeting up with other old friends
from high school when I'm in Chicago and before that
meet-up she contacts me and wants to take me to lunch.
She's married with children and I was certain this was
the moment she was going to apologize. The lunch ends,
she never brings it up and I'm stunned. At the meeting
a few days later with the other friends we all focus
on other present dramas and that's that. We are still
Facebook friends today, we have still never talked
about it. We will randomly like many of each other's
posts and I just presume she's embarassed and thinks
all is forgotten. 25 years later all is not forgotten
(as you can tell). But let me throw in this defense
for her:
-
- Though I was not
Catholic I went to a Catholic school. The "Patriarchy"
of America is real and in that religion? Oh it might
as well be their mission statement. The guilt put on
young women for their own sexuality is so oppressive
that, ironically, they end up acting out even more.
What they also do? Is end up having to deflect
responsibility for their sexual behavior any way they
can for fear of being seen as a slut. "I didn't want
to", "I was forced", "I was drunk"... after-the-fact
story changes so they can remaing "pure" in the eyes
of the church is common. Is that a defense of what she
did? No, it's an explanation of what she did. In
almost every situation, I do believe women who accuse
men of sexual assault... however I am aware that
sometimes the same patriarchy that allows men to get
away with sexual assault keeps women guilt-ridden for
being consensually sexual. Slut-shaming has some
pretty awful ripples and this time it bit me, a man,
in the ass. More like the face a bunch. Although I'm
still a little bummed she hasn't apologized, I harbor
zero ill-will towards her. Not everyone has the
strength to stand up to shameful things in their past
especially not when they're still entrenched in the
religious source of that shame.
-
- I'm of course
bringing this up because of Kobe. Several people I
care about are freely calling him a rapist because of
an unproven accusation and I really don't want to get
into arguments with them. We do not know the whole
story other than what they both have agreed happened:
she came to his hotel room, he kissed her, she kissed
him back (her words) they then had sex. He thought it
was consensual, she said it wasn't. Because she
settled we will never know. And acting like you really
know, either way, is the definition of confirmation
bias. I followed that case closely. I watched reports
from her friends saying she bragged about the
encounter 3 days before charges were filed. They
could've been lying, no one was under oath, we never
got a trial. What we also have is the rest of Kobe's
life and the fact that he spent 25 years in the public
eye and no one else ever accused him of anything even
remotely in this realm. Not once. Not a grab, not a
grope. The literal opposite his entire life. I don't
know of many sexual assaulters that are "one-offs". A
celebrity with that much money, that much power? Their
arrogance always shows who they are. Kobe was alive
during the #metoo movement. Nothing. I don't mean that
he wasn't accused of rape again, I mean he never had
any woman say anything negative, in fact the opposite
from every woman who ever worked with or was around
him. That's hard to ignore.
-
- So when do we give
someone the benefit of the doubt? Why do you believe
my story, but not his? Or, why do you NOT believe me?
How do we have these conversations with respect? The
people calling him a rapist right now? I care about
these people and I do understand the emotion they have
about this subject... but I disagree here. It doesn't
make me a rape apologist. I'm not a thoughtless
fan-boy of some guy because he played basketball.
Michael Jackson and Bill Cosby were absolute heroes to
me and those motherfuckers were and are guilty. If I
believed it was in Kobe's nature, I would say it. I
don't. I am not white-washing his past, he did indeed
cheat on his wife and it does put him in a different
category in my head, but I'm devastated by his
passing. His relationship with the daughter who also
died rocks me to my core. His life after basketball
promoting women's basketball and watching him become a
storyteller was so inspiring to me. Meeting him and
sharing a moment with him and making him laugh will
never leave me.
-
- And now, I have
shared this story. I wish more men would come forward
and express how they have been abused or wrongly
accused. We are obviously a fraction of the very real
assaults but we do exist. It does stay with you and
you never forget.
-
- And since this is
a video blog what in the holy balls is this entry's
video going to be? Lemme look at my old archives for
something from that time...
-
- ...oh this more
than works. This is why everything I just
described above had literally NO effect on my
well being. I had a best friend in Jeff Duhigg
(who, coincidentally is the person that drove me home
after the fight) and my future wife, Burgundie. Is it
really possible this is over a quarter-century
ago?
-
-
- Love to both of
you. Miss you guys.
-
- Adam
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