- 12:01 AM,
Thursday, June 28th, 2018:
- This entry is a
culmination of a month's worth of back and forth in my
brain and the winner is finally: "I don't care if this
makes me look bad on the 99.9999 chance that I'm wrong
because the 0.0001% chance my unease was right would
devastate me further if I didn't do
- The moment I
bought the tickets to France I regretted it. We
approached Talya's mother about her going with us with
the kids and making a big thing about it and she said
she couldn't afford it, but that we should go. It's a
once in a lifetime opportunity and I simply couldn't
go without Talya. I probably should've gone to
Cannes without her to help sell the film but... but
Paris? Jesus man. No way. When her mom said she'd
watch the kids I was overjoyed that
FINALLY Talya could enjoy some of the bizarre
benefits that this Delorean has afforded me. We've
NEVER had a vacation alone since the kids and WOW!
- But here's the
truth: we haven't had one because we don't want one.
I am Clark Griswold. I want to do the stupid
family shit. I want to see EVERYTHING through their
eyes. Talya and I have both travelled extensively
before children, it's no biggie. We'll do it again in
a very SHORT 15 years when the kids are starting their
own adventures and don't give a fuck about family
shit. The idea of travelling without them is just
awful to both of us...
- ...but given the
choice? It was all or nothing. I wasn't going by
myself and my film is fucking premiering in FRANCE and
we're doing a Q and A. This, is, huge. So we jumped,
we're going. It then immediately occurred to me if
something happened to us, our kids just lost both of
I laughed it off, tried to change the subject in
my head - but it never left. Then we showed the kids
- Remember Me,
Remember Me, Remember Me... I just wept. This
impending dread of getting on that plane
WITHOUT them. Hell even explaining that we'd be
gone for 5 days was tough, but we promised a big
camping trip and they were thrilled. They'll be fine.
I however, am THIS close to cancelling it. Money lost,
don't care. No reimbursement. But I have my
I could die in a car crash TOMORROW. Like - all
of this is stupid. Statistically we're going to be
- ...but then comes
the feeling I've had since things went sour with the
Fastest Delorean: that this thing is gonna kill
me. I've felt it so intensely since the fire... it has
wrecked me health-wise... this foreboding feeling of
doom. And we're only doing this for the film
premiere... so fuck. Fuck! In a few days people will
look back and go "Yeah, that killed him. And he
brought his wife along too..."
- THIS, IS,
OVER-DRAMATIC. I get it. I know how stupid I look.
I know how many superstitious people feel writing
about it is THE WORST but it hasn't gone away.
Every time I think I'm ok with it, I'm not ok
with it. I'm still envisioning ltomorrow afternoon
standing at the airport and shaking my head "no". The
truth is, I don't know what the hell is
- ...and Vienna
keeps singing that song. She LOVES Coco. She
LOVES Remember Me. LOVES IT. I almost immediately
imagined singing that song on The Journey before I
left so in case some tragedy happened she'd be able to
- ...but how
FUCKING CREEPY IS THAT SHIT? Her
dead father's song?!
OH THAT WON'T FUCK WITH HER HEAD.
ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL over the place. Every choice
seems wrong and no matter what, by posting this,
I will have people rolling their eyes at me. If
WHAT A FUCKING DRAMA QUEEN. If I
WHY THE FUCK DID YOU GO IF YOU KNEW YOU WOULD DIE YOU DICK.
- So, finally after
literal weeks of stressing I decided to make the
song and let the chips fall where they may. Let me say
this: if and when we are back home with them on July
3rd this shit will NEVER happen again. Ever. I
know some parents do shit without their kids... but
no, it's not in our DNA. I am WRECKED. I don't,
want, to, leave them. I adore every second - even
their fighting. Even the tears, the crazy 4-5 year old
dramas... I love it. They're
WONDERFUL people. We want to vacation
WITH THEM. Yes, they're too young for Europe -
they'd lose their shit on the flights alone - but we'd
have been fine waiting until they were old enough to
do it. This is just a crazy opportunity that landed in
our laps and here we are.
- Here's the song,
let's get that out of the way...
- And of course it
occurs to me how Talya is MISSING from that, but
"Remember US" is so over the fucking top I can't even
do it with a straight face. I can at least
eventually show the kids this later and they'll have
no idea that I thought it was the last thing
they'd ever hear (though I did change some words
- But more than
anything? I just want to end this fucking entry.
I just want this trip to be over. I just want it
to be July 3rd hugging our kids. An overnight? Fine.
Even a weekend... but 5 days on another continent -
no. Bad idea. It feels completely irresponsible and as
I've said previously, I still believe it's a 50/50
chance that we don't get on the plane.
- There will be no
last words, thankfully I have years and hundreds
of entries about how I feel about my children
that will hopefully guide them if the worst
- Talya &