12:01 AM, Thursday, June 28th, 2018:
This entry is a culmination of a month's worth of back and forth in my brain and the winner is finally: "I don't care if this makes me look bad on the 99.9999 chance that I'm wrong because the 0.0001% chance my unease was right would devastate me further if I didn't do this."
The moment I bought the tickets to France I regretted it. We approached Talya's mother about her going with us with the kids and making a big thing about it and she said she couldn't afford it, but that we should go. It's a once in a lifetime opportunity and I simply couldn't go without Talya. I probably should've gone to Cannes without her to help sell the film but... but Paris? Jesus man. No way. When her mom said she'd watch the kids I was overjoyed that FINALLY Talya could enjoy some of the bizarre benefits that this Delorean has afforded me. We've NEVER had a vacation alone since the kids and WOW! Paris!
But here's the truth: we haven't had one because we don't want one. I am Clark Griswold. I want to do the stupid family shit. I want to see EVERYTHING through their eyes. Talya and I have both travelled extensively before children, it's no biggie. We'll do it again in a very SHORT 15 years when the kids are starting their own adventures and don't give a fuck about family shit. The idea of travelling without them is just awful to both of us...
...but given the choice? It was all or nothing. I wasn't going by myself and my film is fucking premiering in FRANCE and we're doing a Q and A. This, is, huge. So we jumped, we're going. It then immediately occurred to me if something happened to us, our kids just lost both of their parents.
Now, I laughed it off, tried to change the subject in my head - but it never left. Then we showed the kids Coco.
Remember Me, Remember Me, Remember Me... I just wept. This impending dread of getting on that plane WITHOUT them. Hell even explaining that we'd be gone for 5 days was tough, but we promised a big camping trip and they were thrilled. They'll be fine. I however, am THIS close to cancelling it. Money lost, don't care. No reimbursement. But I have my kids...
...but I could die in a car crash TOMORROW. Like - all of this is stupid. Statistically we're going to be fine...
...but then comes the feeling I've had since things went sour with the Fastest Delorean: that this thing is gonna kill me. I've felt it so intensely since the fire... it has wrecked me health-wise... this foreboding feeling of doom. And we're only doing this for the film premiere... so fuck. Fuck! In a few days people will look back and go "Yeah, that killed him. And he brought his wife along too..."
THIS, IS, OVER-DRAMATIC. I get it. I know how stupid I look. I know how many superstitious people feel writing about it is THE WORST but it hasn't gone away. Every time I think I'm ok with it, I'm not ok with it. I'm still envisioning ltomorrow afternoon standing at the airport and shaking my head "no". The truth is, I don't know what the hell is happening.
...and Vienna keeps singing that song. She LOVES Coco. She LOVES Remember Me. LOVES IT. I almost immediately imagined singing that song on The Journey before I left so in case some tragedy happened she'd be able to hear that...
...but how FUCKING CREEPY IS THAT SHIT? Her dead father's song?! OH THAT WON'T FUCK WITH HER HEAD.
I'm ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL over the place. Every choice seems wrong and no matter what, by posting this, I will have people rolling their eyes at me. If I live: WHAT A FUCKING DRAMA QUEEN. If I die? WHY THE FUCK DID YOU GO IF YOU KNEW YOU WOULD DIE YOU DICK.
So, finally after literal weeks of stressing I decided to make the song and let the chips fall where they may. Let me say this: if and when we are back home with them on July 3rd this shit will NEVER happen again. Ever. I know some parents do shit without their kids... but no, it's not in our DNA. I am WRECKED. I don't, want, to, leave them. I adore every second - even their fighting. Even the tears, the crazy 4-5 year old dramas... I love it. They're WONDERFUL people. We want to vacation WITH THEM. Yes, they're too young for Europe - they'd lose their shit on the flights alone - but we'd have been fine waiting until they were old enough to do it. This is just a crazy opportunity that landed in our laps and here we are.
Here's the song, let's get that out of the way...
And of course it occurs to me how Talya is MISSING from that, but "Remember US" is so over the fucking top I can't even do it with a straight face. I can at least eventually show the kids this later and they'll have no idea that I thought it was the last thing they'd ever hear (though I did change some words - ugh).
But more than anything? I just want to end this fucking entry. I just want this trip to be over. I just want it to be July 3rd hugging our kids. An overnight? Fine. Even a weekend... but 5 days on another continent - no. Bad idea. It feels completely irresponsible and as I've said previously, I still believe it's a 50/50 chance that we don't get on the plane.
There will be no last words, thankfully I have years and hundreds of entries about how I feel about my children that will hopefully guide them if the worst happens.
Talk soon,
Talya & Adam