- 12:01 AM,
Thursday, June 28th, 2018:
-
- This entry is a
culmination of a month's worth of back and forth in my
brain and the winner is finally: "I don't care if this
makes me look bad on the 99.9999 chance that I'm wrong
because the 0.0001% chance my unease was right would
devastate me further if I didn't do
this."
-
- Ahem.
-
- The moment I
bought the tickets to France I regretted it. We
approached Talya's mother about her going with us with
the kids and making a big thing about it and she said
she couldn't afford it, but that we should go. It's a
once in a lifetime opportunity and I simply couldn't
go without Talya. I probably should've gone to
Cannes without her to help sell the film but... but
Paris? Jesus man. No way. When her mom said she'd
watch the kids I was overjoyed that
FINALLY Talya could enjoy some of the bizarre
benefits that this Delorean has afforded me. We've
NEVER had a vacation alone since the kids and WOW!
Paris!
-
- But here's the
truth: we haven't had one because we don't want one.
I am Clark Griswold. I want to do the stupid
family shit. I want to see EVERYTHING through their
eyes. Talya and I have both travelled extensively
before children, it's no biggie. We'll do it again in
a very SHORT 15 years when the kids are starting their
own adventures and don't give a fuck about family
shit. The idea of travelling without them is just
awful to both of us...
-
- ...but given the
choice? It was all or nothing. I wasn't going by
myself and my film is fucking premiering in FRANCE and
we're doing a Q and A. This, is, huge. So we jumped,
we're going. It then immediately occurred to me if
something happened to us, our kids just lost both of
their parents.
-
- Now,
I laughed it off, tried to change the subject in
my head - but it never left. Then we showed the kids
Coco.
-
- Fuck.
-
- Remember Me,
Remember Me, Remember Me... I just wept. This
impending dread of getting on that plane
WITHOUT them. Hell even explaining that we'd be
gone for 5 days was tough, but we promised a big
camping trip and they were thrilled. They'll be fine.
I however, am THIS close to cancelling it. Money lost,
don't care. No reimbursement. But I have my
kids...
-
- ...but
I could die in a car crash TOMORROW. Like - all
of this is stupid. Statistically we're going to be
fine...
-
- ...but then comes
the feeling I've had since things went sour with the
Fastest Delorean: that this thing is gonna kill
me. I've felt it so intensely since the fire... it has
wrecked me health-wise... this foreboding feeling of
doom. And we're only doing this for the film
premiere... so fuck. Fuck! In a few days people will
look back and go "Yeah, that killed him. And he
brought his wife along too..."
-
- THIS, IS,
OVER-DRAMATIC. I get it. I know how stupid I look.
I know how many superstitious people feel writing
about it is THE WORST but it hasn't gone away.
Every time I think I'm ok with it, I'm not ok
with it. I'm still envisioning ltomorrow afternoon
standing at the airport and shaking my head "no". The
truth is, I don't know what the hell is
happening.
-
- ...and Vienna
keeps singing that song. She LOVES Coco. She
LOVES Remember Me. LOVES IT. I almost immediately
imagined singing that song on The Journey before I
left so in case some tragedy happened she'd be able to
hear that...
-
- ...but how
FUCKING CREEPY IS THAT SHIT? Her
dead father's song?!
OH THAT WON'T FUCK WITH HER HEAD.
-
- I'm
ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL over the place. Every choice
seems wrong and no matter what, by posting this,
I will have people rolling their eyes at me. If
I live:
WHAT A FUCKING DRAMA QUEEN. If I
die?
WHY THE FUCK DID YOU GO IF YOU KNEW YOU WOULD DIE YOU DICK.
-
- AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
-
- So, finally after
literal weeks of stressing I decided to make the
song and let the chips fall where they may. Let me say
this: if and when we are back home with them on July
3rd this shit will NEVER happen again. Ever. I
know some parents do shit without their kids... but
no, it's not in our DNA. I am WRECKED. I don't,
want, to, leave them. I adore every second - even
their fighting. Even the tears, the crazy 4-5 year old
dramas... I love it. They're
WONDERFUL people. We want to vacation
WITH THEM. Yes, they're too young for Europe -
they'd lose their shit on the flights alone - but we'd
have been fine waiting until they were old enough to
do it. This is just a crazy opportunity that landed in
our laps and here we are.
-
- Here's the song,
let's get that out of the way...
-
-
- And of course it
occurs to me how Talya is MISSING from that, but
"Remember US" is so over the fucking top I can't even
do it with a straight face. I can at least
eventually show the kids this later and they'll have
no idea that I thought it was the last thing
they'd ever hear (though I did change some words
- ugh).
-
- But more than
anything? I just want to end this fucking entry.
I just want this trip to be over. I just want it
to be July 3rd hugging our kids. An overnight? Fine.
Even a weekend... but 5 days on another continent -
no. Bad idea. It feels completely irresponsible and as
I've said previously, I still believe it's a 50/50
chance that we don't get on the plane.
-
- There will be no
last words, thankfully I have years and hundreds
of entries about how I feel about my children
that will hopefully guide them if the worst
happens.
-
- Talk
soon,
-
- Talya &
Adam
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