- 8:32 PM,
Wednesday, February 28th, 2018:
- I'm frustrated.
I'm frustrated that at 42 years old, year
NINETEEN of this journey, I'm still surprised by
how much this stained what should've been a
celebration. I really didn't see it coming. I didn't
think of the curse of "The Journey" that balances all
career success with something just awful ruining the
ability to enjoy, well, the journey.
- So I finished the
deliverables yesterday and that meant the release of
the final trailer:
I realized how important it was that people
actually HIT the picture on their devices and then
HIT the trailer and LOVE the trailer? I
realized I had to nearly give it ALL away.
Ever wonder why they give it all away in the trailer?
They have no fucking choice. 95% of the movies aren't
Marvel or Star Wars. You have to make people buy it
right that second or lose them forever. And in my
case? I'm fortunate if they even click on my thumbnail
and so, I have to include FIRE and make it
seem like it's NONSTOP ACTION. It isn't, but I
will say this...
- ...after watching
people view the film who didn't know what happened?
They are genuinely gripping the chair and holding
their breath. It's so painfully clear how much I
DON'T want to race, that you can't help but wait
to see if I crash and burn. It's amazing really.
I'm fortunate in that sense: the intensity is
- ...but there's the
whole other side: Kenny hadn't seen ANYTHING. Not sure
what's unlocked now or will be, but his entire
"ghosting moment" that forced me to go public for
a new mechanic and driver and also forced me to erase
the diary on the site? He left that in April 2017. I
lived with it every day and still do. So he saw that
trailer and lost his shit. That was the first time he
realized I was going to be telling the truth. His text
to me will probably be featured in a sequel so I'll
save it, but suffice to say? When you compulsively lie
FOR THAT LONG? You literally forget what you
said/wrote/sent a year ago. Even he will be surprised
when he realizes just how awful he was.
- However, that
angry text from him and then his other brother was
like a 2x4 to the stomach. I called my father and
he talked to me as best he could but this hurts all of
us. This is why I begged him to take this seriously.
Now it's all coming down and yes, it absolutely makes
him look awful. I actually left out
SO MUCH but it doesnt' matter: literally
ANYTHING he did makes him look bad. I even try
and talk him up at the end of the movie, but I'm
afraid it falls on an audience that is already
disgusted. I hid the name of the shop and blurred
out the face of the owner to save Kenny's job, but it
doesn't matter... he may still lose his job.
I hate this. It's why I took a year to
finish the doc: I didn't want to do it.
Wasn't until the car literally EXPLODES that I realize
I have no choice. This was a public project from
the beginning and it was always meant to be a
documentary I would sell. I can't afford to keep
losing money to protect his reputation...
- ...especially when
I don't feel his reputation is worth protecting.
I mean, I'm happy to not highlight your fuck-ups
if you're honest with me and work with me. We could've
easily told the story a different way... but you can't
fuck everything up from the finances, to the time to
the RESULT and then when I need you the most
fucking disappear and tell me to do it myself
AND tell me to say what I want. Jesus man... then
when I do just that you send me angry texts? Uhm.
It honestly feels like I'm dealing with my 5 year old.
Adults don't act like this, do they? Whatever. The
good thing is, I add no voice over, I don't talk
about what he did, I don't talk about WHY - there
is absolutely none of ME in what happens. I literally
stop the movie, tell the audience that I can't talk
during this segment and just show the texts. When the
texts are over, I move on and never speak about
it (other than to say I struggled finishing everything
because it made him look bad). It came down to losing
even more tens of thousands of dollars and never
releasing the film. And how much money can you spend
to save a brother you never knew? Who never considered
YOU for a second? Who just pissed all over you and
blamed his anxiety and deadlines on YOU? Who lied to
all of his friends for SO LONG that he believes
his own lies! Christ does he even remember what he
said? Does he scroll back and look a those
- Ugh, I'm rambling.
Clearly I'm sad. Clearly I hate this. Today was a day
that I delivered the deliverables! That's the
moment you hand everything to a distributor and it's
officially in their hands: you're done! I had a
bounce in my step for a bit, 'cause I dropped it
off in downtown LA and it felt like NYC in 2007.
There was some magic. I'm excited... but it took mere
seconds to think of Kenny and how much this is going
to hurt him. Not only might he lose his job, if this
gets big? He may have a hard time getting another job.
This may have really, really fucked him. I begged
you man. I begged you to come out. I told
you how cornered you made me. I told you how
impossible it was to continue. And now we're here.
This is gonna get worse. It's a bittersweet day. As
I've said so many times: goddamnit Kenny. Why did you
do this dude?
- C'est La Vie.
March is 2 1/2 hours away. It will prove to be intense