9:22 PM, Thursday, November 16th, 2017:
So this is a hard entry to write. Christ when is the last time I had to write a difficult entry? It's a lifetime ago. Two little lifetimes ago at least.
Facebook has destroyed "The Journey" in a sense. Whereas "The Journey" still, even after nearly 20 years, documents what feels important... Facebook has sucked out the tiny things that when looking back hold more weight. Facebook has become the essence of me and "The Journey" is the highlights. I am so busy living now that I dont' peruse "The Journey" like I used to but my belief is that it's a bunch of kid stuff, a bunch of Delorean stuff and very little ME stuff. I need to change that. Well this entry is old school: it is me. It is what I am feeling and dealing with.
I've never lived a year like 2017. I've never been faced with the dilemma that is "The Kenny Situation". I've remarkably never set myself up for more egg on my face (this sentence is spectacular for anyone who has followed this all along) than I did with this "Fastest Delorean in the World" documentary. It has caused more stress, anxiety and second-guessing than I've known...
...but that can't be true. Right? What occurred from 2000-2010 is traumatic beyond words and clearly I'm reperessing that, right?
Yeah, probably right. That is the truth of what happens when you spend an extended amount of time in a fairy tale: you become soft. 2000-2010 Adam would have EASED through 2017. 2011-2016 Adam? He was blindsided. He had no idea what was coming. He did NOT prepare.
It has sent me into an almost constant state of anxiety. A feeling I've never experienced. It doesn't get more laid back than me. I've had depression, I've had the "molasses feeling"... but anxiety? Not even close. And why?
I'm forced to drive a fucking bomb for my job. It's always seconds from breaking down, it's a modified mess, I have no working gauges it stalls, it won't start... it's an absolute clusterfuck and the only person who could EVER fix it is the person that caused all of these issues in the first place. Driving to my job... IS MY ONLY JOB. I cannot express that enough. It sounds "easy", but when a car simply stalling equals a $1740.38 LOSS? It's stressful. It's also why I wanted no part of drag racing it: I want the MOST EXPERIENCED PERSON POSSIBLE to do this, so there's the BEST CHANCE that it survives! It's my FOOD TRUCK. It pays my MORTGAGE. It feeds my children. If I hadn't thought Kenny was COMPLETELY OVERQUALIFIED for this swap, I would NEVER have handed him my car.
But nonetheless we're here. My stress level is up. That is the foundation of 2017.
In late August/early September I decided to finally go to a doctor after 15 years of telling them to fuck off because the last sinus surgery I had in 2001 was awful. With every ailment, "I'll live." is my motto. My life is SOOOOOO good, I can't bitch about anything. Even if it's the fact that I've never slept through the night due to breathing issues and a mind always working.
And I do mean ever.
In 42 years.
I'm a glass half-full guy because of how wonderful my wife and kids are... but I have a ton of little issues that I've ignored and now? I might as well see if there's a fix. So I went to a general doctor and downloaded a fucking DIATRIBE on this mofo. Like, in the last 2 months I've had 10+ doctor appointments. It's been incredible. Never done this before. It's pretty fun. Seems my breathing issues effect my sleep enough to continually make me exhausted. However it also might be leading to, ugh, high blood pressure. Not super high, but "high-normal". Now, I'm not at my fighting weight, but 175 isn't obese, it's just a little overweight. But high blood pressure? Never even occurred to me as feasible. This year however, it does make sense. I'm stalling. I've said all of this in the entry last month.
I'm writing today because... could it be alcohol? Among the list of things that could be attributing to this is apparently alcohol consumption.
Who knew? I thought that shit LOWERED your blood pressure. My drinking patterns are pretty clear: when I'm really focused on weight I literally WEIGH THE SHIT so I have a perfect amount of calories, but again - end of year? Fuck outta here! Let's DO THIS SHIT. Hahahahaha. What that means however, is your normal amount for getting buzzed creeps up because your body just gets used to it. So out of curiousity I decided to weight the normal mixed drinks I make myself at night when the kids go to sleep. Ya ready for this?
3.5 - 4.0 ounces of alcohol. Holy fuck. I had no idea. Usually it's only one drink but sometimes it's two of those. The guidelines say AN OUNCE is a drink. So according to the guidelines (I've seen 1.5 ounces as of hard liquor considered a drink too) I'm anywhere from 3-8 drinks a night. So yeah, I stopped that shit. I gotta see if it helps. Should take about a month.
But I'm focused and that probably means although I'm annoyed by it I will start my workout eating regiment IN FUCKING NOVEMBER instead of January. UGGGGGGGGH. But I can't let my family down here. I want to be around a long time.
Though I will say this - I never want to get back to mixed drinks with 4 fucking ounces of alcohol in it, but I'm sipping some whiskey at 8pm when those LOUD MOTHERFUCKERS go to sleep. I mean, I do love them. But holy, holy, holy, holy goodness are they nuts. I just think I've entered the phase of my life where I ALWAYS have to measure. Forever.
Alright - spending a good week working on my car now hoping to knock out some of these issues. Jesus. I gotta get this under control. So tired of being a mechanic...
...that being said, no matter what part of the car I'm working on, it's surreal that if I take video of any moment in my life there's a hoverboard in it.
It's a comic-book life. Ya can't take it too seriously.