3:17 AM, Thursday, June 29th, 2017:
The problem with years like this in The Journey with so much going on is that space usually relegated for the day-to-day stuff disappears. Unfortunately, that's the stuff that is the heart and soul of the project: feelings, thoughts, balance... it's what I long to read years from now and what I long to WRITE during the moments. Facebook now takes much of that energy and truly, it's better suited for it. The Journey entries should be a bit more monumental in nature as they're numbered and set in stone...
...of course the reason for the insomnia of 2017 is so much more than this bullshit with my brother. Oh it helps. To have to share a betrayal of that magnitude weighs on you for quite awhile and certainly keeps you up. It's why I want the GODDAMNED DOCUMENTARY TO BE COMPLETE... but there's a general attitude throughout my very day that I just don't care about anything that much. Obviously, my wife and kids are excluded - they're fun. Even if they weren't fun, they're just ME. But the world around me? Whew. It's not there.
I've gone from presuming we're at a crossroads in this country to not only believing it - upping the ante: this experiment known as the US is done. I am slightly interested in how our constitution handles the situation that is this president and the cyber-attack by Russia... but I don't actually think it matters. We aren't a world leader anymore in any capactiy other than bombs. Which, is clearly something, but it was a lot MORE something when we also were an energy leader or scientific leader, etc. We're none of that. The world is now leap-frogging us in nearly every capacity and other than a handful of states (thankfully California is one of them), you're better off living in another country. The quality of life is THAT much better. It's not even close. From common-sense gun laws to common-sense health care to wages... it's unbelievable that half of this country fights for the right to help their bosses make exponentially more money than them while they get shit on. This is Fascism and while fascinating, I just don't care anymore. I don't feel I have a vested interest. I'm saving ALLLLLLLL my money and I'm telling loud and clear - when the time comes? I will have no issue jumping ship. I don't think this is the end of our civilization, I think it's the end of the US meaning anything. If our system of government honest-to-loving-fuck cannot fix the problem of Trump? There is no system of government. Trump is an exagerrated example of an impeachable offense in so many different ways, it's worthless to talk about it. It's like trying to argue with someone who doesn't think the term "Nigger Cunt Sucker" is offensive.
What the fuck do you say to that? You don't. You just let it go, stop caring and accept that this IS the downfall of the Republic and it's not worth saving. It was valiant experiment but it was upended by a simple man invalidating the press to the point of impotence. Sure, they didn't help much with their race to be more entertaining than the next channel, but make no mistake - Trump and his minions erased them completeley. They filled the landscape with fabricated stories to the point of exhaustion and called the other side fake. It decimated the information landscape and there's no returning. Not sure why it hasn't happened to other civilized nations with the same speed as the US, but maybe it's coming and we really are all doomed. Who knows...
...but every single part of me thinks this country is over. My only hope is a civil war but I don't see enough people putting their phones down to actually participate... so we meander into irrelevance. The only relevance is the rest of the world saying "oh, wait, are they gonna blow us all up? Well, until then we'll keep investing in sustainable energy, trying to make things work, etc." It's all you can do, but the US can no longer actually LEAD with this type of electorate and leader. And if our system of checks and balances can't figure THIS out? GUESS WHAT COMES NEXT! HoLEEEEEEEE SHIT. This is the beginning. Imagine an INTELLIGENT Trump. Fucking hell man. If there is no accountability for Trump? It will be so bad in a couple of generations people will FLEE. My family will be RIGHT THERE. And I shit you not - if it wasn't for living in California? I would be studying now on the potential move. California might as well be a different country. THANK GOODNESS.
And of course, as I said, it doesn't help that what I'm presently focused on - I don't actually care about. That's disheartening to say the least. This stupid fucking car that can't get close to the horsepower or records Kenny so flippantly said it could costing me $30,000 AND COUNTING. So just to END THIS fucking nightmare I either call it a loss, or keep trying to spend my way to the record fixing mistake after mistake after mistake. Whoopee. I DON'T CARE ANYMORE. I just don't care...
...but I cannot and will not fail at this once I'm this deep. Not an option. I'm certain now that on July 30th when we run it again? I will bring my tools and systematically TAKE APART THE CAR to make a lighter vehicle and shave off 0.16 seconds. Not because I care, mind you, because I want to never fucking think about this as something in the PRESENT or FUTURE. IT MUST BE IN THE PAST.