5:03 PM, Friday, July 22nd, 2016:
And now you just write. Well I should post what I just recorded...
It's all about the moments, I guess. So conditioned to capturing them by this point. Let me try and break this down in words while my back still hasn't tensed up too much...
I just can't stop trying to express how certain I was that our children were under the car. When you hear two adults screaming like that and nothing from the babies... it's pretty much the worst sign ever. That's what you learn when deaing with kids for any amount of time: if they're crying, they're gonna be fine. When it's really bad, there's no sound from them.
I can hear Karen's shrill screams and Talya's crying reverberating in my head... and like clockwork my back - OK, I have to get up. Write more in an hour.
The killer in all of this is I have a Delorean gig tonight and I can't actually relax my back... but I have to get it loose enough to sit in that goddamned car. So it's this balance of enough alcohol to just take this crazy edge off, get to the gig safely, return home and pray when I get up in the morning I can move. So back to the incident.
As I said in the video I was literally an arms distance from where the car was crashing through the gate so from inside this room it was inexplicable what was occurring. Like, at first - oh she bumped the trash cans or bumped the gates... then it's why is it continuing? Then it's: "Is the side of the house coming down? WHY ISN'T THIS STOPPING!??! Now I'm running to escape the falling house as much as I'm running to see what's going on.
Then the first smack in the brain - the car is halfway past the house, yet I can still see it - meaning the gate wasn't open. Our gate swings open a full 10 feet so you can never actually see the car from this angle if you're going past the house: the gate covers your view when it's open. So my brain knew something was really, really off. I couldn't see anyone, I could only hear screaming from the adults and I ran and jumped the fence. I then remember seeing part of Talya and her mother run around towards me and I said "where are they?" She said nothing. "What's wrong?!" She said "Her!" I then jumped into the passenger side andit finally all made sense. Talya was in a hurry to jump out of the car and forgot to put it in park. The car kept going, crashing through the gate as she was half-way in and half-way out until it finally pinned her between the house and the car. So, I just told her to keep her foot on the brake, I put it in reverse, and she slowly let off and everything was fine. Well, kinda. That's when Talya lost it and then Cameron lost it. Vienna just sat there drinking her water thinking everyone was crazy.
Lemme go back to the "where are they?" line... I remember the calmness of that line like I was about to pick up bodies. Creepy how calm you get when you're in shock. I was certain she accidentally ran over one of the kids and the car was stuck. Logistically of course, that's impossible since they're in their car seat and it's a helluva routine to get them in and out... but with the lack of information in my head and the sound cues from them screaming... it's where I went. Craaaaaazy.
So now to the "1, 2, 3" of all of this. Once we got the car in park, I told Talya she had to get away from the kids for a bit. She had a little cut on her leg and probably horked her knee but if they see her totally lose it, they're gonna lose it. Cam was already freaking out... so Karen took Talya inside and I just explained that Mama was scared. That's when I instantly said:  "Do you guys want to see how messed up the gate is!?!?!" That immediately made Cam refocus and he was excited and finally Vienna spoke: "I WANT TO SEE IT TOO!!!" So I got them out and we checked out the carnage. The good news on that front is that I made the gate by hand, so it's just a day's work to get it all back up and running again. They were quite impressed with what happened.
We went in to see mama who was a bit better and they asked more questions and we spent a few minutes just trying to explain everything to them. I have STILL not really focused on Talya. I mean, it was clear she was physically just a bit banged up but mentally this was a big deal and quite scary but alas there is a different pecking order when you have children. They are first, spouse is second, you are third. And that's just how it is. It's not a choice. It's crystal clear and welcome to your new normal in emergency situations. We decided it was best to have Talya get back in the car and drive Vienna to her ballet class (which is what she was rushing to get to) even if she misses half of it. Can't be scared of driving in these cases. I finally did hug Talya and made sure she was ok. Kept talking to the kids and away they went...
...which is when it all hit me. I felt my back, I quickly took two shots, turned on Die Hard 2 and made a fuckton of popcorn to eat, diet be damned. LMAO. Welcome to my comfort zone apparently. I obviously couldn't concentrate and came back in here and made the video. 1, 2, 3. There's comfort in that and it's honestly just eons of instinct working exactly the way it's supposed to. The whole "I'd give my life for my kids!" line always seems odd to say because it almost implies a scenario where there's a choice... there isn't a choice. You just lose your sense of self really, really, really quick when it comes to your kids. If I had to reach my arm into some molten lava to save their lives and they were alive and my arm had melted off I can see me looking at Talya going: "It's just an arm, I have another one! The kid is alright." It's not even a flinch. Of course a DISTANT second is Talya. Awful to say, right? I think it's because I see her on an equal rung of importance with ME and I'm barely on the map. And of course I'm just as distant a 3rd. I guess I never really thought about that. I've never really put it into words. Of course if the kids weren't in danger and Talya was, duh, 1, 2.... I would react the same way.
...but wow. Kids change your entire brain chemistry. A bunch.
OK, I have to get ready for my gig. Whew.