- 5:03 PM, Friday,
July 22nd, 2016:
- And now you just
write. Well I should post what I just
- It's all about the
moments, I guess. So conditioned to capturing
them by this point. Let me try and break this down in
words while my back still hasn't tensed up too
- I just can't
stop trying to express how certain I was that our
children were under the car. When you hear two adults
screaming like that and nothing from the babies...
it's pretty much the worst sign ever. That's what you
learn when deaing with kids for any amount of time: if
they're crying, they're gonna be fine. When it's
really bad, there's no sound from them.
- I can hear Karen's
shrill screams and Talya's crying reverberating in my
head... and like clockwork my back - OK, I have
to get up. Write more in an hour.
- The killer in all
of this is I have a Delorean gig tonight and
I can't actually relax my back... but
I have to get it loose enough to sit in that
goddamned car. So it's this balance of enough alcohol
to just take this crazy edge off, get to the gig
safely, return home and pray when I get up in the
morning I can move. So back to the
- As I said in
the video I was literally an arms distance from where
the car was crashing through the gate so from inside
this room it was inexplicable what was occurring.
Like, at first - oh she bumped the trash cans or
bumped the gates... then it's why is it
continuing? Then it's: "Is the side of the house
WHY ISN'T THIS STOPPING!??! Now I'm
running to escape the falling house as much as I'm
running to see what's going on.
- Then the first
smack in the brain - the car is halfway past the
house, yet I can still see it - meaning the gate
wasn't open. Our gate swings open a full 10 feet so
you can never actually see the car from this angle if
you're going past the house: the gate covers your view
when it's open. So my brain knew something was really,
really off. I couldn't see anyone, I could
only hear screaming from the adults and I ran and
jumped the fence. I then remember seeing part of
Talya and her mother run around towards me and I said
"where are they?" She said nothing. "What's wrong?!"
She said "Her!" I then jumped into the passenger
side andit finally all made sense. Talya was in a
hurry to jump out of the car and forgot to put it in
park. The car kept going, crashing through the gate as
she was half-way in and half-way out until it finally
pinned her between the house and the car. So,
I just told her to keep her foot on the brake, I
put it in reverse, and she slowly let off and
everything was fine. Well, kinda. That's when Talya
lost it and then Cameron lost it. Vienna just sat
there drinking her water thinking everyone was
- Lemme go back to
the "where are they?" line... I remember the calmness
of that line like I was about to pick up bodies.
Creepy how calm you get when you're in shock. I was
certain she accidentally ran over one of the kids and
the car was stuck. Logistically of course, that's
impossible since they're in their car seat and it's a
helluva routine to get them in and out... but with the
lack of information in my head and the sound cues from
them screaming... it's where I went.
- So now to the "1,
2, 3" of all of this. Once we got the car in park, I
told Talya she had to get away from the kids
for a bit. She had a little cut on her leg and
probably horked her knee but if they see her totally
lose it, they're gonna lose it. Cam was already
freaking out... so Karen took Talya inside and
I just explained that Mama was scared. That's
when I instantly said: "Do you guys want to
see how messed up the gate is!?!?!" That immediately
made Cam refocus and he was excited and finally Vienna
"I WANT TO SEE IT TOO!!!" So
I got them out and we checked out the carnage.
The good news on that front is that I made the
gate by hand, so it's just a day's work to get it all
back up and running again. They were quite impressed
with what happened.
- We went in to see
mama who was a bit better and they asked more
questions and we spent a few minutes just trying to
explain everything to them. I have STILL not
really focused on Talya. I mean, it was clear she was
physically just a bit banged up but mentally this was
a big deal and quite scary but alas there is a
different pecking order when you have children. They
are first, spouse is second, you are third. And that's
just how it is. It's not a choice. It's crystal clear
and welcome to your new normal in emergency
situations. We decided it was best to have Talya get
back in the car and drive Vienna to her ballet class
(which is what she was rushing to get to) even if she
misses half of it. Can't be scared of driving in these
cases. I finally did hug Talya and made sure she
was ok. Kept talking to the kids and away they
- ...which is when
it all hit me. I felt my back, I quickly took two
shots, turned on Die Hard 2 and made a fuckton of
popcorn to eat, diet be damned. LMAO. Welcome to my
comfort zone apparently. I obviously couldn't
concentrate and came back in here and made the video.
1, 2, 3. There's comfort in that and it's honestly
just eons of instinct working exactly the way it's
supposed to. The whole "I'd give my life for my kids!"
line always seems odd to say because it almost implies
a scenario where there's a choice... there isn't a
choice. You just lose your sense of self really,
really, really quick when it comes to your kids. If
I had to reach my arm into some molten lava to
save their lives and they were alive and my arm had
melted off I can see me looking at Talya going:
"It's just an arm, I have another one! The kid is
alright." It's not even a flinch. Of course a
DISTANT second is Talya. Awful to say, right?
I think it's because I see her on an equal
rung of importance with ME and I'm barely on the map.
And of course I'm just as distant a 3rd. I guess
I never really thought about that. I've never
really put it into words. Of course if the kids
weren't in danger and Talya was, duh, 1, 2....
I would react the same way.
- ...but wow. Kids
change your entire brain chemistry.
- OK, I have to
get ready for my gig. Whew.