11:22 AM, Monday, January 25th, 2016:
I've debated writing this entry for probably 6 months. I figure I should at least write it now and whether or not it's locked will be determined by "Editor Adam" who rereads all of this after "Writer Adam" spills his guts. I can't be both at the same time, I have to just lay it all out.
Cameron is a happy boy. Sure he has his meltdowns like all 2 year olds, but he is as normal a kid as I've known. All of his sad moments are firmly rooted in reality. Granted, that reality is trivial, but for a 2 year old - dropping your food IS the end of the world, and being tired IS cause for a tantrum.
Vienna of course, is quite different as I know I've alluded to in the past. Most people tell me it's a girl/boy thing and that's just kind of how it is. She can go through a good 2-3 days of meloncholy for no reason, never speak a word about why she's sad. Just grunt and make noises and then SECONDS later - talking up a storm and happy as can be. Imaginative, fun, creative, hilarious... I guess she's just an artist, right? I dig that. That's certainly my kid...
...but make no mistake, and this is where I hesitate to write, it's usually more pleasant to hang with Cam. Often when I ask Vienna a question she looks at me in silence. Cam says "Hi Dada" every single time I enter the room. Like, this all makes sense if they were 13 and 12, but at 3 and 2, it's absolutely disconcerting. It was understandable when she was 9 months old and she stared at strangers like they were serial killers, but she's 3 1/2. Most of the time she is crying or silent. Unresponsive at best, speaking like a 10 month old at worst... and then abruptly turning into a normal little girl, happy and excited and talking up a storm, etc. It's a jarring back and forth and Talya and I have always thought there just might be a chemical component to it because it is nothing like I've seen in other kids. Then again, we never see other kids as anything but strangers so who knows? Time will tell. I think you know where I'm going with this...
Since 2015 I've had much more time to spend with Vienna and Cam, together and separately... and Cam and I are having a fucking blast. It's like suddenly having a kid. Vienna rarely acts like this and Cam was so attached to Talya (NOW OFFICIALLY WEENED AS OF WEDNESDAY!!!) that I honestly didn't have much of a relationship with him. Now? All boy all the time. Playing catch, wrestling - all that awesome stuff I thought was part of having a kid that didn't really happen with Vienna. Vienna will start to play catch with you, but the moment the ball bounces a different way then expected she screams at the top of her lungs and runs out of the room. Yeah. We keep trying to be supportive, we keep doing our best... but it's preeeeeeeeeeeeeeetty clear something's not connecting for her. We'll figure it out. And randomly? Everything is back to normal. She can play catch, we can play with her dolls, we can build with legos, we can read books, do puzzles and she's loving it.
...but that's juxtapositioned next to videos like this, which occur every time I play with Cam:
I mean, fuck, I'm human right? What do I say? Everything's equal! I enjoy them equally but in different ways! Uhm, fuck no I don't. Sorry. I mean, I love them equally. Of course. But I sure as fuck don't LIKE them equally. Isn't that true for everyone? Like, here's how I think of Vienna as a young adult in my mind...
Vienna is that cool moody girl that has an interesting story, is an incredible artist... a person you fight to be around even though she spits venom at you. The mystery is attractive and you're simply intrigued...
...but I'm her dad, not her boyfriend. I just want to know if she's hungry and if she'd like some cheese. Her staring off into space ignoring you and then not wanting whatver you just prepared (and not even bitching about it, just nonchalantly drinking out of her water bottle not giving two fucks) isn't intriguing, it's ridiculous.
"Do you want cheese?"
"No, Dada"
That doesn't seem like a lot to ask for, right? Unless Cam is tired or in actual pain (like he has this eczema rash on his anke that is open and oozing, and he barely complains) he'll always make SOME response. It may not be a word, but he doesn't ignore you. It's just bizarre...
...AND THEN EVERYTHING IS NORMAL. As if that other girl didn't exist, she's just a figment of your imagination. Cam? Cam is this video which I'll post again because it's so goddamned infectuous:
It's not even a "favorite" thing... I know that from era to era I'll connect differently with both of my kids. Certain times it will be Cam and certain times it will be Vienna - she's UNDENIABLY a part of me and that we will bond over all sorts of things from art, to intellectual stuff... you can see it all blossoming for sure. Also, she has "Daddy's Girl" moments, it's not like she's more attached to Talya than me... there's just always been this shadow of a person in front of us going through the motions. It's well beyond her years... and seemingly FOREVER. She has always seemed drastically different...
...but I sure do appreciate the moments when she's playful and fun. At least once a day, well that's not true she does go long stretches, but usually at the end of the day - she and Cameron are running around acting like kids and are friends. And in general, her anger towards HIM has subsided. They are friends that sometimes fight... but this "other" Vienna is towards THE WORLD. Towards some existential struggle that is absolutely stupefying. Well, actually, I guess I am sort of intrigued. Heh.
I sure like writing this stuff out.