10:58 AM, Monday, November 2nd, 2015:
In September as I scrolled the 30+ upcoming events in the month of October, I remember thinking:  "Just wanna make it out of that month alive and I can relax..." I sit here today realizing, that wasn't too far from the truth.
We made an astounding amount of money in October as a company. It was far more successful than I could've imagined and I kept booking with little thought of my own personal well-being. Sleeping in the car to make multiple gigs a day while also trying to enjoy the season and Halloween with the family, completely flying past my 40th birthday on the 9th because I just couldn't slow down... Chaos. Whirlwind. And then I arrived at my final gig of the month on Halloween and that money was safe. The weight was lifted. Sure, there's a couple thousand in the first two weeks of November, but there isn't TENS OF THOUSANDS weighing on me anymore. I made it. The car made it. Fuuuuuuuuuuck. As you can see in the video from RentTheDelorean, I even let a guy drive his car through THE tightest spot onto a dance floor giving zero fucks. NEVER would've done that a month ago, but this time I'm like - WHY THE HELL NOT?!?! Actually an impressive celebration. Whenever I recover, THAT video will go here:
Good stuff.
Now, my rule of thumb with these situations is if I'm there for 3-5 hours, I can have a drink or two RIGHT when I get there, and then I just drink water/diet coke whatever the rest of the night. More than just my personal responsibility, I'm driving a FUCKING MUSEUM... you HAVE to be on high alert. Now since I was exhausted to a degree I'm not sure I've ever known, I had a redbull and vodka. At my age? Drinking Red Bull at 10pm? That's fucking stupid. I will be up half the night... but I was so tired I simply wasn't going to make it 10pm-1am. We've been going to bed at 9:30 since Cam gets up at 4:30-5am no matter what the fuck we do. So this was insanity to me. But, I felt good... I laid back in a green room they had set up in this theater and watched "Young Hollywood" be weird. Yes, I was the old man in the corner that no one knew.
However, because I was married nearly the entirety of my 20s in Hollywood, I never saw any of this shit. A guy was going around with coke for everyone to sniff. Had I gotten in a time machine? Does this shit happen? I presume coke, but a powder nonetheless. Clueless to the entirety of this life. Intrigued though... I honestly skipped over ALL of this as a kid. I was so busy with my career, even as a teen, I just never had time to even DRINK let alone take crazy drugs. Wasn't against it as much as I just had shit to do and it seemed like a waste of time. They all seemed to be having fun, but the conversations I had with them became annoying. Drugs suck for communication.
From time to time I had to run outside and check on my car as people were taking pics of it. Normally I would be with the car every second, but I was just too exhausted to stand there and the comfortable couch in the green room with cocktails was far more my style. And no way in fuck was I going to be on a dance floor. Not tonight.
Now of course you can't take a drink outside, so I would inevitably set it down to check on stuff and then come back in. Still feeling exhausted I poured a FULL cup of just red bull on some ice 'cause I had no idea how I was getting home without some caffeine. Went out and checked on the car and actually most people had already taken their pics and were inside dancing. Cool. Only 90 minutes to go. Chugged my Red Bull and sat down.
It took probably 3 minutes to realize something pretty intense was happening. That wasn't just Red Bull. The powder I had seen going around was going in drinks and I just chugged a FUCKTON of it. Mixed with the two drinks I already had? I was beyond fucked up. I was delirious. But I do remember this specific feeling...
...I wanted to hold my mother or my wife's hand until it was over because I was scared out of my mind. I remember desperately wishing they were next to me. I also wanted to fuck every single thing in that room. A heartbeat was unnecessary, I'd have banged a plastic cup. It was the most isolating thing I've ever felt. Both feelings contradictory and overwhelming.
I texted Jimmy who said he'd come up and help me, but logistically I couldn't seem to figure out how that would work with the time machine when OH FUCK, THE TIME MACHINE.
Was I being robbed? Was someone trying to take the car? Pretty easy way to do it, spike my drink, take the keys and voila. I knew the keys were in my pocket so I held onto them and tried to ride it out. All the while, literally asking for people to hold my hand. Of course no one did. Who the FUCK is this guy?
I then remember being lead from person to person who I would sit and talk to, tell them LOUDLY I was drugged, and then they would pass me off to the next person. I would check my car, it was there, I would be at a table listening to people's conversations, I would check my car... then ended up at a piano where I shot this:
Not bad for how delirious I felt. Kinda cool I was using the beat from the dance floor. Kinda.
Rereading what I've written, I notice the "fuck every single thing in that room" line must still be in your head. Clearly, I didn't do that. Loving-family-who-I-would-never-cheat-on-aside, I had the charm of Otis from Mayberry at this point. I couldn't convince someone to hold my HAND let alone anything I would regret. No, what I felt was this mix of fear and raw sexual just... craziness. Picture a man stumbling around saying "AHHH!!! I LIKE BUTTS! AHH!". I don't believe I actually said that, but that's what my memory of my brain is. I'm sure I was embarrassing (the videos of me crying into my phone sure as fuck were), but that's the extent of it. Why? Because I'm a man. If I were a woman? Someone there would've taken me to their house and fucked the hell out of me. To say that I have a deeper appreciation for what women go through who are drugged is to say the least. But I'm slightly ahead of myself.
2am finally rolled around and the place was closing down. I clearly wasn't driving, so I backed my car into a parking spot, locked the door, and tried to sleep. Clearly with 2 redbulls and the hellpowder I took this wasn't happening, but at least no one was stealing my car. I wrote an email to Talya with the subject: I'm Fine.
So someone spiked my red bull
It's 2:15 I'm in my car about to go to sleep. I'm sick that you're going to wake up and think I'm hurt, but don't want to wake you up with a text. So I'm writing this email. I was having a second red bull so I could drive home at 1 and I felt funny. There was someone dressed as uma from fucking pulp fiction that said "you asked for it." Suddenly I'm sitting on he couch in the green room and can't move. I texted jimmy for help. I drank as much water as I could. It's now 2:17 and I cannot drive. I'm angry. I'm scared. I just want to go home. I have no idea what happened. I will wake up in a few hours and drive home
You asked for it. You asked for it. All day yesterday I tried to figure this out, because I have zero recollection of talking to the girl who said this until well after I was delirious.
All day yesterday I wondered: "Did I?" And it's not until this morning that it finally hit me what she was saying: what men have said to women since the beginning of time. She was probably annoyed as FUCK at how I was acting and decided to slyly throw that piece of misogyny back at me. And maybe even thought it would stick with me through my stupor yesterday and actually fuck with my head exactly like it fucks with women's heads when in a similar situation. Because make no mistake, I hadn't the ability to actually have sex with someone in my condition, but they certainly could've done WHATEVER the fuck they wanted to with me. You could've convinced me to fuck the flux capacitor in my Time Machine - I was GONNNNNNNNNNE. I was just so morbidly unattractive people handed me water and told me to shut up. Whatever drug I took? Was THE definition of aphrodesiac. And most likely because I drank so much red bull I didn't actually pass out. So add THAT to the list of reasons getting "Cosbied" is so fucked up: not only is your recollection hazy, or do you wake up confused, part of your memories? ARE THAT YOU WANTED TO DO IT. Doesn't matter what made you want to do it, someone could EASILY have proof that you DID ask for it. Good luck trying to prosecute THAT. What an awful, awful feeling and one I will never forget for the rest of my life.
I believe I slept until around 4am in my car at which point Talya woke me up with a text. I puked something AWFUL in the parking lot and began to feel better. By around 4:45-5am I felt like I could drive home, and proceeded to... but was scared out of my mind at being pulled over. I wasn't weaving or having any issue concentrating, I just felt awful and as if someone would just KNOW I was full of drugs and alcohol a mere few hours before. Several times I considered just pulling over and waiting a little longer... but nothing draws more attention than a Delorean Time Machine so my best bet was paying attention to the road (which physically hurt my brain, strangely) and getting home. I did.
When I woke up on Sunday I was destroyed. I mean, the ENTIRETY of the day I could barely walk. I never got out of bed for more than a few minutes. When I did I would end up sitting on the floor. I mean, I've had hangovers in my day, but this was insane. This morning I finally feel like myself. Fuck.
It's funny, I always said that the one thing I will teach my daughter is to ALWAYS make her own drinks and to NEVER leave them unattended. Tonight certainly taught me to expand that lesson to not only my son, but to the fact that it doesn't always have to be malicious. I don't believe I was drugged purposely at all, I believe I picked up the wrong cup and drugged myself. It NEVER occurred to me to be careful with my cup in that green room, I'm not a girl. Ouch. And even if true, that no one wanted to drug the weird old guy in the corner no one's talking to, you just NEVER leave your drink unattended because when you do, you lose control of the outcome.
The good news is I am safe, my car is safe, and I have quite a story to tell my kids when the time comes. I am however, wholeheartedly a 40 year old man who wants nothing to do with that world nor will I ever allow that to happen to me again...
...but I probably was asking for it. Boom.