- 10:58 AM, Monday,
November 2nd, 2015:
- In September as I
scrolled the 30+ upcoming events in the month of
October, I remember thinking: "Just wanna make
it out of that month alive and I can relax..." I sit
here today realizing, that wasn't too far from the
- We made an
astounding amount of money in October as a company. It
was far more successful than I could've imagined
and I kept booking with little thought of my own
personal well-being. Sleeping in the car to make
multiple gigs a day while also trying to enjoy the
season and Halloween with the family, completely
flying past my 40th birthday on the 9th because
I just couldn't slow down... Chaos. Whirlwind.
And then I arrived at my final gig of the month on
Halloween and that money was safe. The weight
was lifted. Sure, there's a couple thousand in the
first two weeks of November, but there isn't
TENS OF THOUSANDS weighing on me anymore. I
made it. The car made it. Fuuuuuuuuuuck. As you can
see in the video from RentTheDelorean, I even let
a guy drive his car through THE tightest spot
onto a dance floor giving zero fucks. NEVER would've
done that a month ago, but this time I'm like -
WHY THE HELL NOT?!?! Actually an
impressive celebration. Whenever I recover, THAT video
will go here:
- Now, my rule of
thumb with these situations is if I'm there for 3-5
hours, I can have a drink or two RIGHT when
I get there, and then I just drink water/diet
coke whatever the rest of the night. More than just my
personal responsibility, I'm driving a
FUCKING MUSEUM... you HAVE to be on high alert.
Now since I was exhausted to a degree I'm not
sure I've ever known, I had a redbull and vodka. At my
age? Drinking Red Bull at 10pm? That's fucking stupid.
I will be up half the night... but I was so
tired I simply wasn't going to make it 10pm-1am. We've
been going to bed at 9:30 since Cam gets up at
4:30-5am no matter what the fuck we do. So this was
insanity to me. But, I felt good... I laid back in a
green room they had set up in this theater and watched
"Young Hollywood" be weird. Yes, I was the old man in
the corner that no one knew.
- However, because
I was married nearly the entirety of my 20s in
Hollywood, I never saw any of this shit. A guy was
going around with coke for everyone to sniff. Had
I gotten in a time machine? Does this shit
happen? I presume coke, but a powder nonetheless.
Clueless to the entirety of this life. Intrigued
though... I honestly skipped over ALL of
this as a kid. I was so busy with my career, even as a
teen, I just never had time to even DRINK let alone
take crazy drugs. Wasn't against it as much as
I just had shit to do and it seemed like a waste
of time. They all seemed to be having fun, but the
conversations I had with them became annoying.
Drugs suck for communication.
- From time to time
I had to run outside and check on my car as people
were taking pics of it. Normally I would be with the
car every second, but I was just too exhausted to
stand there and the comfortable couch in the green
room with cocktails was far more my style. And no way
in fuck was I going to be on a dance floor. Not
- Now of course you
can't take a drink outside, so I would inevitably set
it down to check on stuff and then come back in. Still
feeling exhausted I poured a FULL cup of
just red bull on some ice 'cause I had no idea
how I was getting home without some caffeine.
Went out and checked on the car and actually most
people had already taken their pics and were inside
dancing. Cool. Only 90 minutes to go. Chugged my Red
Bull and sat down.
- It took probably 3
minutes to realize something pretty intense was
happening. That wasn't just Red Bull. The powder I had
seen going around was going in drinks and I just
chugged a FUCKTON of it. Mixed with the two drinks
I already had? I was beyond fucked up. I was
delirious. But I do remember this specific
- ...I wanted to
hold my mother or my wife's hand until it was over
because I was scared out of my mind. I remember
desperately wishing they were next to me. I also
wanted to fuck every single thing in that room. A
heartbeat was unnecessary, I'd have banged a plastic
cup. It was the most isolating thing I've ever felt.
Both feelings contradictory and overwhelming.
- I texted Jimmy who
said he'd come up and help me, but logistically
I couldn't seem to figure out how that would work
with the time machine when OH FUCK,
THE TIME MACHINE.
- Was I being
robbed? Was someone trying to take the car? Pretty
easy way to do it, spike my drink, take the keys and
voila. I knew the keys were in my pocket so I held
onto them and tried to ride it out. All the while,
literally asking for people to hold my hand. Of course
no one did. Who the FUCK is this guy?
- I then remember
being lead from person to person who I would sit and
talk to, tell them LOUDLY I was drugged, and then they
would pass me off to the next person. I would check my
car, it was there, I would be at a table
listening to people's conversations, I would check my
car... then ended up at a piano where I shot
- Not bad for how
delirious I felt. Kinda cool I was using the beat
from the dance floor. Kinda.
- Rereading what
I've written, I notice the "fuck every single
thing in that room" line must still be in your head.
Clearly, I didn't do that.
Loving-family-who-I-would-never-cheat-on-aside, I had
the charm of Otis from Mayberry at this point. I
couldn't convince someone to hold my HAND let alone
anything I would regret. No, what I felt was
this mix of fear and raw sexual just... craziness.
Picture a man stumbling around saying "AHHH!!!
I LIKE BUTTS! AHH!". I don't believe
I actually said that, but that's what my memory
of my brain is. I'm sure I was embarrassing (the
videos of me crying into my phone sure as fuck were),
but that's the extent of it. Why? Because I'm a man.
If I were a woman? Someone there would've taken me to
their house and fucked the hell out of me. To say that
I have a deeper appreciation for what women go through
who are drugged is to say the least. But I'm slightly
ahead of myself.
- 2am finally rolled
around and the place was closing down. I clearly
wasn't driving, so I backed my car into a parking
spot, locked the door, and tried to sleep. Clearly
with 2 redbulls and the hellpowder I took this wasn't
happening, but at least no one was stealing my car. I
wrote an email to Talya with the subject: I'm
- So someone
spiked my red bull
- It's 2:15
I'm in my car about to go to sleep. I'm sick that
you're going to wake up and think I'm hurt, but
don't want to wake you up with a text. So I'm
writing this email. I was having a second red bull
so I could drive home at 1 and I felt funny. There
was someone dressed as uma from fucking pulp
fiction that said "you asked for it." Suddenly I'm
sitting on he couch in the green room and can't
move. I texted jimmy for help. I drank as much
water as I could. It's now 2:17 and I cannot drive.
I'm angry. I'm scared. I just want to go home. I
have no idea what happened. I will wake up in a few
hours and drive home
- You asked for it.
You asked for it. All day yesterday I tried to
figure this out, because I have zero recollection of
talking to the girl who said this until well after
I was delirious.
- All day yesterday
I wondered: "Did I?" And it's not until this
morning that it finally hit me what she was saying:
what men have said to women since the beginning of
time. She was probably annoyed as FUCK at how
I was acting and decided to slyly throw that
piece of misogyny back at me. And maybe even thought
it would stick with me through my stupor yesterday and
actually fuck with my head exactly like it
fucks with women's heads when in a similar situation.
Because make no mistake, I hadn't the ability to
actually have sex with someone in my condition, but
they certainly could've done WHATEVER the fuck
they wanted to with me. You could've convinced me to
fuck the flux capacitor in my Time Machine - I was
GONNNNNNNNNNE. I was just so morbidly unattractive
people handed me water and told me to shut up.
Whatever drug I took? Was THE definition of
aphrodesiac. And most likely because I drank so much
red bull I didn't actually pass out. So add THAT
to the list of reasons getting "Cosbied" is so fucked
up: not only is your recollection hazy, or do you wake
up confused, part of your memories?
ARE THAT YOU WANTED TO DO IT.
Doesn't matter what made you want to do it, someone
could EASILY have proof that you DID ask for it. Good
luck trying to prosecute THAT. What an awful, awful
feeling and one I will never forget for the rest of my
- I believe
I slept until around 4am in my car at which point
Talya woke me up with a text. I puked something AWFUL
in the parking lot and began to feel better. By around
4:45-5am I felt like I could drive home, and proceeded
to... but was scared out of my mind at being pulled
over. I wasn't weaving or having any issue
concentrating, I just felt awful and as if
someone would just KNOW I was full of drugs and
alcohol a mere few hours before. Several times
I considered just pulling over and waiting a
little longer... but nothing draws more attention than
a Delorean Time Machine so my best bet was paying
attention to the road (which physically hurt my brain,
strangely) and getting home. I did.
- When I woke
up on Sunday I was destroyed. I mean, the
ENTIRETY of the day I could barely walk. I never
got out of bed for more than a few minutes. When I did
I would end up sitting on the floor. I mean, I've
had hangovers in my day, but this was insane. This
morning I finally feel like myself. Fuck.
- It's funny, I
always said that the one thing I will teach my
daughter is to ALWAYS make her own drinks and to NEVER
leave them unattended. Tonight certainly taught me to
expand that lesson to not only my son, but to the fact
that it doesn't always have to be malicious.
I don't believe I was drugged purposely at
all, I believe I picked up the wrong cup and drugged
myself. It NEVER occurred to me to be careful with my
cup in that green room, I'm not a girl. Ouch. And even
if true, that no one wanted to drug the weird old guy
in the corner no one's talking to, you just NEVER
leave your drink unattended because when you do, you
lose control of the outcome.
- The good news is
I am safe, my car is safe, and I have quite
a story to tell my kids when the time comes. I am
however, wholeheartedly a 40 year old man who wants
nothing to do with that world nor will
I ever allow that to happen to me
I probably was asking for it. Boom.