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1:33 PM, Sunday, September 20th, 2015:   It makes no sense to have a video of Vienna falling asleed for an entry about Cameron...   ...except the entry is about THAT MOTHERFUCKER NEVER SLEEPING so finding a video like this is next to impossible. It's also very sweet and funny. So here's that:       What a sweetie. Sometimes. Yes I will throw-in qualifiers for my daughter's sweetness. Sue me.   What I am writing about however, knock on wood, is the 21 month long nightmare that has been Cameron sleeping through the night, appears to have finally come to an end. I have been vigilant about not bringing up personal issues on The Journey (though a couple of locekd entries are indeed scattered for my own peace of mind), but this is one I have no choice but to write about. It has EASILY been the biggest issue we had as a couple, the most trying moments of CURL UP INTO THE FETAL POSITION and SPEAK IN TONGUES for fear of throwing yourself through a window we've ever had... and hopefully ever have again. Holy shit. Holy, holy shit.   Vienna was also not a good sleeper. So at just past 6 months, I kinda took over - made a crazy-ass spreadsheet of all her feedings and naps and just pushed through. Had her cry it out for certain periods and within a week or so? Done. By 7 months she slept the normal 10-11 hours with a nap or two throughout the day. Whew.   Incredibly Cameron slept 5 hours once before he was even 2 months old. 2nd kid, we'd be able to nail this. However, Talya admittedly had a different connection since Cameron was exclusively breastfed. Every time I brought up introducing a bottle so we could help was ignored... as the months passed it was clear this was going to be a struggle. At 4 months is usually the best time to sleep train because they get it pretty quickly if you bear down for a few nights. However 4 months turned into 6 months turned into a year and not only was there a refusal to train... zero feeding schedule. One night at around 13 months I woke up to find Talya breastfeeding him in the middle of the night and I kinda lost my shit. Not AT her... just in general. Like, went crazy from lack of sleep, curled up in a ball and just started talking to myself.   She has since admitted she indeed had separation issues and of course I want to be supportive, but the biggest issue was she was INDEED training him... backwards. She was training him that every single time he wanted to ear, every 2-3 hours - she would be there in seconds. No feeding schedule during the day or night... absofuckinglute chaos. I could only repeat myself so many times as I had no control over any of it. With Vienna I could share the duties of feedings... but when you exclusively breast feed on demand? That's simply not plausible. The truth was? She was basically co-sleeping from the other room. And in her defense, he doesn't give up easy. For example in times when I got her to try crying it out, if he's supposed to sleep until 6am... and wakes up at 4:30 am? He would often, SCREAM until 6:00am while we laid there wondering what to do once it WAS 6am. You'd go in? And he's nurse and then go to sleep for another hour. I mean fuck.   Now, your body does adapt to constantly waking up. The problem for me however is, I can't get BACK to sleep. I'm doing so many projects that I can't stop figuring out all the problems... and Talya is able to get up, calm Cam down, and then come back and sleep. 18 months of this... no end in sight. Talya is more on board with training at this point but of course, once they can talk, etc. You're in some serious shit. It's a whole different ball game. Now of course, he could be having a really bad nightmare. He's such a good climber he could legit be hurt. Crying it out now is quite different than with a 4 month old. Meanwhile Vienna sleeps in our living room because we only have 2 bedrooms. We try moving her in a couple times hoping by OSMOSIS it just happens, but there's really only one way to do it and it's always been the one way to do it. You just have to let him cry. He will get fucking over it.   I don't know exactly what did it a couple days ago, but finally - Talya was done. We closed the doors, turned on our own white noise as loud as possible, and slept. I still heard him screaming multiple times but the difference now? Not getting up at all at ANY time. So what happens? He does still scream 60-90 minutes, but he falls over from fucking exhaustion. Then he sleeps until 6. Heh. That happened for 2 days and on the 3rd day? Nothing...   ...of course Vienna woke up twice that night just as a karmic reminder (she NEVER gets up in the middle of the night). But Cam made it and now? It's been about a week. We just do not go in there until after 6am and we're slowly pushing it to 6:30 and finally 7am, which is the time he should be sleeping until. We've officially done it. Doesn't mean he'll always be sleeping through the night, also doesn't mean that he's not having AWFUL nightmares and we just have to say "fuck it, deal", but when you push sleep training this long... that's just kinda what happens. When you have a kid you make the choice to co-sleep or train them to sleep in their room. However once you've made that choice? You really have to train them. You can't do neither.   Hopefully he goes strong for a couple of months and then we CAN go in when he wakes up from a nightmare because it will be rare (like Vienna) that he wakes up. Now, I write all of this not as a condemnation of Talya, whom I adore, but as a document of TRUTH. I can't sugar-coat shit on The Journey. This is ME. This is who I am. When I'm loooonnnnnnng gone, this will be all that remains of me - and it has to be factual. This has been an INCREDIBLE strain on us. And although I can compartmentalize most of the time... it is actually a form of torture to not sleep and when the solution is pretty easy (technically) and one person is keeping it from happening? Oh fuck man. Just can't act like it's all ok. You just have to be patient... try to understand what she's going through.. and, well - just deal. I knew eventually she would be fed up, I'm just glad it happened. I love you to death Talya, I'm so glad this part is behind us and I really did refrain from writing about this until now because I just couldn't bear to kick someone when they're down. Don't really want to kick you when you're up! But holy shit was this horrible for both of us. I know you felt even worse because it negatively affected me, my work, everything. I constantly tried to look at it through your eyes. It's a massive responsibility to basically hold an entire house's happiness in your hands. However, the last week with sleep?! What the fuck!? This is how other people live? I had no idea. Wow.   So we're here. Hell, I may even still lock this because it seems too personal, but I hope people see it as just blunt honesty. Marriage is difficult when it comes to raising kids. I don't have it in me to just control the whole house and make everyone listen only to me. Talya needs to be the mama bear and direct stuff inside the house while I direct stuff outside the house. It's not an easy role. Especially not with 2 kids 14 months apart. There's finally light however and this will add a much needed routine in the coming months.   Whew, whew, whew.   Adam