- 10:01 AM, Friday,
November 7th, 2014:
-
- In situations like
this, I rarely wait a couple days to write. In fact,
I tend to write WITHIN the moment to capture how
it feels in the most honest way possible. Writing also
helps me get through and process everything and
I tend to want to do that immediately. For
whatever reason, I needed a couple days for this.
I have a feeling it's because my head wasn't spinning,
in fact there was a sense of calm throughout. Usually
when I have to write "in the moment" it's because
the moment is so intense I need to slow it down
by writing it out. This was as slow and methodical as
anything that I've been through.
-
- So let's do this,
shall we?
-
- I went out for a
jog on Tuesday to begin the attack on the extra pounds
that October handed me. I've honestly never produced
that much video nor organized so much with the guests
- all leading to sitting a LOT. The run was
slooooooow. Like, 10:30 a mile slow and I was barely
making it to 1.5 miles when I noticed some people
on the sidewalk looking into the street. I turned
my head and saw a man lying in the street with a woman
and man beside him.
-
- "Oh, shit." I
stopped my running ap at 1.34 miles and just ran
straight into the traffic. I knew I could help as
I tend to compartmentalize well in emergencies.
However, what I came upon was unexpected. The man
was a cyclist and he had struck the door of an access
van, yet was actually 10-15 feet in front of the van
and the front of the van's door was damaged. I
couldn't exactly wrap my head around what happened,
but I only thought about that for a few seconds as
I approached because there was seemingly too much
blood considering this had just occurred and the man
looked relatively unscratched other than the fact that
he was clearly bleeding from the side of his head that
was on the ground. Both the woman and the driver were
on the phone to 911 and I started rubbing his arm
and saying "Hang in there man! They're comin'!" Your
first instinct is to stop the bleeding, but the speed
that he was bleeding out (and had already bled out)
was simply overwhelming. The driver took off his coat
and asked if I could lift his head to maybe compress
the cut - which I did. But within roughly 30
seconds my tone had changed. Although he was breathing
with his eyes open, it was clear he was passing.
-
- "Everything's
alright man. Help is coming." My tone as soft as
possible near his head as I rubbed his arm, and
held his hand. I then put my hand on the back of the
woman next to me on the phone as she seemed unaware
that he was passing. She was still frantic with the
911 operator trying to relay information on his
condition and I tried to show with my face,
shaking my head toward her, that this wasn't going to
end well. I didn't want the last things for him to
hear to be frantic. We all deserve that if possible.
Whenever it's our time, hopefully there's a bit of
peace as we pass, even in an accident. I think she
understood and the 3 of us watched him pass as the
ambulance and fire truck arrived just seconds
later.
-
- As strange as this
sounds? I can't think of a more peaceful way to
go. Clearly the impact had knocked him out for a bit,
and within that time he simply bled out. He was
breathing through his nose, no gasping for breath, no
convulsions... at the end he blinked maybe once or
twice and slowly passed. I've seen several people pass
in my life (strange to write) and this was by far the
most peaceful, if not surreal, thing I've ever
witnessed. Not that we ever want to die in an
accident, but it should be noted that it was peaceful
and he heard nothing but soft affirmations. The only
surreality was what we saw which was a man almost
placed in the position. Laying on his side, no
scratches or scrapes visible, a bike laying down below
him, a pall mall cigarette pack in front of him and a
cell phone at his legs. Yes, there was blood, but it
was so perfectly circular around him, it seemed like a
painting. I've seen some pretty gnarly accidents in my
time - hell even minor accidents with cuts and blood
that were quite graphic... this was nothing like that.
-
- The ambulance and
truck arrived and once they took over they asked us to
step onto the sidewalk, which we did. The driver went
back in his car (the passenger in the access van in
the backseat, still sitting there in horror at what
had just transpired) and just then a man ran from
behind me, into the street, to take a
picture.
-
- <blink>
-
- The fireman said
"Come on man, back on the sidewalk" in such a routine
way, that it occured to me he does this all the time.
This is the new normal. People with their cell-phones
out. I looked up and saw 2 other people across
the street doing the same thing. I was absolutey
mortified. I can understand if you see a fire? Or
maybe a fantastic positioning of a car wreck (car goes
through a shopping mall window, etc.) but this? Just a
guy lying in the street. What on earth are you taking
a picture for? To instagram it? To share it on
Facebook? I was baffled by this. And clearly, I'm
a guy who documents everything, but there's a
modicum of decency expected in death, right?
I mean, this wasn't Michael Jackson. Are we all
celebrities now? Are we all paparazzi? It was too much
to try and wrap my head around.
-
- I went up to
the driver who was making phone calls and put my hand
on his shoulder and asked if he was alright. I believe
he was still in shock, but I was thankful he had
the integrity to stay on the scene and help the man.
The news has been full of stories about people running
from things like this. He was going to spend the rest
of his life knowing his actions, however involuntary,
killed a man. Strangely, that was the moment
I felt emotional. The death is obviously more
tragic, but that story arc was over. The driver's was
just beginning and would last decades. We all make
mistakes, few of us ever kill someone. Just, so
sad.
-
- I left. It
felt wrong to keep watching once I no longer had a
reason to be there and I folded my fingers on top of
my head and started walking home. It was less than a
1/4 mile from where I lived and that was almost
too quick. I stared at the blood on my right hand
as I walked and tried to wrap my head around
everything, which of course I couldn't. When
I got home I stood in the backyard for a
minute not knowing how to react. The kids are
obviously too young to understand but they can
certainly sense stress. I went in and washed my hands
and Talya was with both kids in their room. I said
"There was an accident... and I just comforted a
man who was dying." And then I started to lose it
a bit and had to turn around and go into the kitchen
before the kids saw me. Something about putting it in
words always hits you. Talya left the children in the
room and came in and hugged me while I cried for
a few moments and I explained things the best I could.
They were getting ready to go to their play group and
she asked if I wanted her to stay and I said
"Honestly, it would help if you left - I'd like to
write." So she continued to get them ready while I
opened my laptop. Before I could write however,
I had to say something about the picture takers
online. Some type of "Hey people, fucking think before
you pull your phone out."
-
- "To the
people taking pictures while we tried to keep a
bicyclist hit by a car awake in a pool of his own
blood - fuck you. What on earth would you possibly
do with that picture? This was it. His last fucking
breaths. Put down your phone. A few moments of
silence. I'm not even sure what's more upsetting,
that I wasn't able to help this man or that you're
INSTAGRAMMING it.
-
- And to
everyone - and this from someone who documents his
life online with video - think before you pull that
phone out. Accidents happen and I'll move on from
the images I just saw of that man, but you fuckers
with your phones out will live in my brain
forever."
-
- That's when Talya
came into the bedroom and screamed because behind me
to my right was Cameron, holding an open bottle of
sleeping pills upside down in his mouth with his left
hand. I had forgotten to put the pills away the night
before and also didn't close the lid all the
way.
-
- <blink>
-
- I grabbed the
bottle from him, it was now empty. He had 2 pills in
his other hand which he then put to his mouth. There
were pills on the floor and I started to count them.
There were 36 of 60 there, I had taken 2 the
night before so that's 38 and in my head
I couldn't imagine how many I had already
taken. A pretty liberal guess was at least 12 which
still left 10, maybe, unaccounted for. Of course he
seemed fine, even giggling a bit when Talya picked him
up. I was in an absolute haze however and the
thought of him having to go to the hospital and get
his stomach pumped seemed so extreme if he hadn't
taken anything. So I handed him 4 pills to see if
he would actually take them. He did, put them
ALL in his mouth (at which point I got them
back out) and I called 911 to get to poison
control. They sent an ambulance (which I later
cancelled and Talya just took him as it would be
quicker and far less traumatic for Vienna) and this
unbelievable hour of my life continued.
-
- Cam fell asleep in
the car, but ended up waking back up (he was overdue
for a nap anyway) and remained awake at the hospital
long enough for the doctors to believe he hadn't taken
any. Now, that was one sentence in what was nearly 90
minutes of stress so acute that your brain actually
checks out. Curious as to what that looks like? Here
ya go:
-
-
- That video is
probably only fascinating to me, but when do you get a
chance to see how your face reacts to stress? As the
longest video-blogger I do instinctively tape
myself in these moments. Kind of a cool thing to have
if I needed to "act" stressed for a role or
something. Might actually be too subtle, but man it
sure is real. And yes, I had I noticed my hands
were actually shakin a bit and I'm not ashamed to say
I poured a little whiskey to try and calm my nerves. I
still had to care for Vienna and considering the day
I was having I was expecting her too to
embark on an emergency that would test my ability to
compartmentalize. Thankfully I understood Cameron
was gonna be alright around the time the whiskey
kicked in and I was able to exhale a
bit.
-
- He got home,
I hugged him to the point of wanting to suck him
INTO my body through my chest and just quietly
cried. He went down for a nap and I ended up
pacing a lot. "One of those days" we joked, although
it was clear that what I had experienced some
people never experience and, well, it's something that
had happened to me a few times. Besides seeing both of
my grandmothers pass as an adult, when I was 12
I was home sick from school and I saw my neighbor
shoot his wife to death on their front lawn. Crazy,
right? It's been a part of my psyche for 25 years and
it's still very bizarre to write. I didn't tell anyone
I saw it for a day or two but finally had to
'cause it was eating me up to hold back that
information. I honestly didn't want to deal with
the onslaught of concern when for whatever reason it
didn't effect me that much. Ended up the guy
was on medication and also an alcoholic. There was a
fight, he shot her then shot himself in the backyard.
I knew he wasn't in his right mind and, well,
there ya go. For whatever reason, even though
I was a very emotional kid, logic trumped it. Of
course when I told my mother she was rightfully
concerned and had me talk to some psychologists and
friends, etc. I appreciated the gravity of the
situation but my biggest memory of the aftermath was
playing Castlevania with the sound down while trying
to say the right sentences to the psychiatrists on the
phone that would get them to tell my mother I was
fine. It just didn't really traumatize me like it may
have other kids. <shrugs> No explanation for why
and if it happened to my kids I would've done the
EXACT same thing my mother did. Smart lady. Smart
little boy, too.
-
- Once Cameron was
okay, writing was not something I wanted to do,
strangely. I knew this day was far bigger than
usual big days and I certainly wasn't going to
lose the "moment" if I didn't write it down
immediately. No, every single detail would be with me
for years. I needed a day or two to decompress.
To go outside alone, and cry for a few moments, then
play with my kids. The day also didn't seem that
negative, oddly. It wasn't a "bad" day. The truth
was, I got to comfort someone who was passing. That
was a gift to that man and I was proud that
I ran into that busy street when so many other
chose to not get involved or, for fuck's sake, to take
pictures. In regards to Cameron? I was able to make an
unbelievably horrible mistake as a parent - and he was
fine. There is no better fortune in life than to have
that happen. I wrote the following status the next
day:
-
- "Yesterday,
within an hour, there were two incidences of
common, every day carelessness we are all capable
of. That driver didn't check his mirror before
opening his door at the exact moment a cyclist was
BESIDE him and I didn't shut a sleeping pill bottle
tight enough and my 10 month old had it open,
upside down, and in his mouth. We race him to the
ER, he is fine - the cyclist dies.
-
- The only
reason my family isn't devastated, although I made
arguably a more careless mistake, is good fortune.
That has to be the most humbling day of my
life."
-
- That's the actual
weight of November the Fourth. That two moments of
carelessness ended so drastically different. It's
humbling. You have to know that we're all EXTREMELY
fortunate to be here. Life really is fragile, it
really is temporary and we ought to spend a lot less
time judging each other and a lot more time loving
each other. Though the fuckers that had their phones
out need to be slapped around a bit. ;-)
-
- Also, the added
info about the driver opening the door beside the
cyclist came from the news report on the event that
said the cyclist was riding WITH traffic. Only
way I could see the front of the car door being
damaged was that he opened it when the cyclist was
beside him. All still conjecture at this point -
though I'm fairly certain the driver will be charged.
I'm torn with how I want that to be handled legally.
If it was my family member on the bike, I'm not
certain I'd want the driver to have HIS life ruined
when the reality is? Our infastructure for bikes in
this city is fucked. There were no bike lanes on this
street, and even if there were? They're RARELY outside
of the space where you would open your car door.
Clearly the driver didn't check and should have, but
the actual issue is the cramped spaces and outdated
urban design of our city. The driver is already going
to live with this his entire life, I cannot see
where further penalties help here. Jail time? Loss of
job... I just - it doesn't equate in my book. The
man jumped in to help immediately, stayed to answer
every question - this isn't the person we want locked
up...
-
- ...then again?
There should be a penalty when your carelessness
causes the death of someone. Had Cameron died
swallowing those pills? I would certainly be culpable
and would understand there being punishment, but could
anyone argue Vienna losing her father for a couple
years is a justified response to my mistake?
Negligence is a very subjective area of the law. Each
case is different. And clearly I'm on both sides
here.
-
- So there was my
election day. Didn't get to vote. Sorry about that.
I had looked up my polling place before my run
and even toyed with the idea of taking the whole
family to vote after everything we had been through
just to show people it mattered, but I was
honestly scared to leave my house after that.
I just wanted the day over and didn't want to
risk getting in a car. I think I get a pass on
that one.
-
- What a
day.
-
- Adam
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