- 5:14 PM, Monday,
August 11th, 2014:
- Just write. Stop
trying to think of an opening sentence because you
could honestly give two shits if anyone reads
- So it really never
leaves you, huh? Once you realize you're capable of
rationalizing the irrationality of suicide - you never
really rid yourself of the ability.
- I'm so far from
that man, so I thought. Other suicides or
overdoses come and go and they're all younger than me
(the ones that had impact) and you think,
arrogantly "I got through that, I'm fine now."
Then a man in his 60s who was sober for 20 years
struggles again, but this time? He can't pull it
together. It has hit me so hard. I'm crying and then
having to stop because I happen to have a sore
throat that is so bad I can't swallow - so crying
hurts even more... ugh. I'm a fucking mess. And the
goddamn plumbing in my house is falling apart and then
this. God I'm rambling. But that's what this is for.
It's for me. To work through this.
- It all feels so
hopeless. I mean, life is GREAT now. It has
been for years. That isn't some brain-washing or
acting on my part - life is ridiculously good. But
life has a way of being, well life. And for whatever
reason I felt like I got past all that
"stuff" in 2010. But you know what? I just got past
that series of events. Who can't beat depression when
it's not there? He couldn't find peace at his age? He
just struggled forever and a few choices prolonged the
- I look at how
I met Talya and veered off my path into this
nirvana and it's spooky. It is so random and so
fortunate and has lead to ridiculous happiness. It
feels like a fairy tale and yes, somewhere in my brain
I am preparing myself for the fall. It's my own human
nature. It's a defense mechanism so I don't
really get as low as I was... but the longer
things are good? The less I do that. 'Cause
I feel like I'm past feeling like that. Like I'm
somehow more mature, more balanced and while that's
true? It's alllllllll bullshit in the end. I have
shown a few times in my life that I have the
makeup to fall off the earth. Dunno why, I just
have it. And I have to remember that. I have
to. I have to be honest and open and share with
people as much as possible. It's like being an
alcoholic or in my case, having food issues. You never
get over it, it is always there and you always have to
be aware that your brain works a certain way.
- But he knew that.
He just got out of rehab - he was fighting it and he
couldn't win? He couldn't beat it? It just breaks my
heart. It's this massive reminder that those of us who
have been to those depths and got out alive? We didn't
really get out. We just got some more time. There will
be other trials in life and no matter how good things
may be presently... life has a way of throwing it all
at you. I need to remember the fragility of my own
being. That along with talents to wear your emotions
on your sleeve or communicate them through song comes
an extraordinary ability for them to
- Get out of your
head as much as possible man. Play with these
ridiculously wonderful creatures in front of you and
just be aware. Be aware of your brain, your heart and
your choices. Take care of yourself too.
- God I don't
think I can ever watch another movie he's in.
This hurts so bad for some reason. I mean, look
up - I know the reason, but I'm hurting so bad for his
inability to beat this. I just can't process it.
Forget his inpiration as a child and my admiration and
the joy he brought me... he was a sole I related
to because he struggled. But I thought he struggled
and found his way.
- And I feel
all mature because I'm gonna be in my 40s next year?
Whatever. You never mature past yourself. You can't
run that fast. Accept it. Know it.
- Chest. Ouch. Every
moment is temporary.
- Enjoy it