5:14 PM, Monday, August 11th, 2014:
Just write. Stop trying to think of an opening sentence because you could honestly give two shits if anyone reads this.
So it really never leaves you, huh? Once you realize you're capable of rationalizing the irrationality of suicide - you never really rid yourself of the ability.
I'm so far from that man, so I thought. Other suicides or overdoses come and go and they're all younger than me (the ones that had impact) and you think, arrogantly "I got through that, I'm fine now." Then a man in his 60s who was sober for 20 years struggles again, but this time? He can't pull it together. It has hit me so hard. I'm crying and then having to stop because I happen to have a sore throat that is so bad I can't swallow - so crying hurts even more... ugh. I'm a fucking mess. And the goddamn plumbing in my house is falling apart and then this. God I'm rambling. But that's what this is for. It's for me. To work through this.
It all feels so hopeless. I mean, life is GREAT now. It has been for years. That isn't some brain-washing or acting on my part - life is ridiculously good. But life has a way of being, well life. And for whatever reason I felt like I got past all that "stuff" in 2010. But you know what? I just got past that series of events. Who can't beat depression when it's not there? He couldn't find peace at his age? He just struggled forever and a few choices prolonged the inevitable?
I look at how I met Talya and veered off my path into this nirvana and it's spooky. It is so random and so fortunate and has lead to ridiculous happiness. It feels like a fairy tale and yes, somewhere in my brain I am preparing myself for the fall. It's my own human nature. It's a defense mechanism so I don't really get as low as I was... but the longer things are good? The less I do that. 'Cause I feel like I'm past feeling like that. Like I'm somehow more mature, more balanced and while that's true? It's alllllllll bullshit in the end. I have shown a few times in my life that I have the makeup to fall off the earth. Dunno why, I just have it. And I have to remember that. I have to. I have to be honest and open and share with people as much as possible. It's like being an alcoholic or in my case, having food issues. You never get over it, it is always there and you always have to be aware that your brain works a certain way.
But he knew that. He just got out of rehab - he was fighting it and he couldn't win? He couldn't beat it? It just breaks my heart. It's this massive reminder that those of us who have been to those depths and got out alive? We didn't really get out. We just got some more time. There will be other trials in life and no matter how good things may be presently... life has a way of throwing it all at you. I need to remember the fragility of my own being. That along with talents to wear your emotions on your sleeve or communicate them through song comes an extraordinary ability for them to overwhelm.
Get out of your head as much as possible man. Play with these ridiculously wonderful creatures in front of you and just be aware. Be aware of your brain, your heart and your choices. Take care of yourself too.
God I don't think I can ever watch another movie he's in. This hurts so bad for some reason. I mean, look up - I know the reason, but I'm hurting so bad for his inability to beat this. I just can't process it. Forget his inpiration as a child and my admiration and the joy he brought me... he was a sole I related to because he struggled. But I thought he struggled and found his way.
And I feel all mature because I'm gonna be in my 40s next year? Whatever. You never mature past yourself. You can't run that fast. Accept it. Know it.
Chest. Ouch. Every moment is temporary.
Enjoy it now.