9:52 PM, Tuesday, September 10th, 2013:
These days, when you get an hour to yourself? You just do SOMETHING creative as fast as you can and actually? I kind of like it better that way. This was me just letting my sub-conscious take over...

Man, where do you start?

Nearly 20 years ago I wrote a song called "Ordinary Day". I just quit college and although I felt it was the right decision at the time (and especially now), I was "balanced" enough to think I just fucked up my life. Had I just set in stone an "ordinary" existence because I had no options? That was my fear. HILARIOUSLY that was my fear. I later found out that it was the starting point for an unbelievable 15 years stretch that only now has slowed down. That lack of a safety net pushed me further than I could have ever imagined and it made me who I am. Hell I still tried to stay stagnant with radio and even had to jump to LA because my spirit needed to soar. And what, an incredible, journey it was...
...but now? I'm living that life I was so scared about before. Kids. Comfort to such a degree I can barely touch the spirit I had. Something I was so afraid of? I love. It's an ordinary day, and I couldn't be happier. Kids are like vicodin to dreams that didn't occur in life: it doesn't make the pain go AWAY, it makes you not care about the pain. So every now and then you get a video like this one.
I also have so much video of me singing from 1990 on... that I can throw it on-screen and feel that rush. Feel that youthful energy without hearing a sound. Even Talya saw it and said "You looked like you could take on the world." That actually stung a bit, but she's right - that's the difference. I don't have that anymore. And again, the pain is there? But I just don't care enough about it to focus on it. My life is so wonderful it is indeed vicodin for that pain. I see the pain, I feel the pain, I shrug my shoulders and go play with Vienna.
Of course, my talents are still on the surface. This is where the story gets a bit murky. Because of The Journey? I can't really fade away. I'm creating constantly. So even if I don't care? I'm still up to speed. I still sing well, write well, edit better than I ever have. I have an extremely close relationship with my "Artist" side. Which, makes you think. It makes you want to scheme. So what do you do? You spend hours listening to long interviews with great comedians. Chris Rock, Louis CK, Jerry Seinfeld.
I know I'm not those comedians. But what always hits me when I hear them talk, is I AM their work ethic. I am their "never want to repeat" mentality. Doesn't mean I always do it, but any given year there's 10 videos that a quite impressive for different reasons. 10 out of 100 mind you, but still. LOL. Give it all up and make GOLFKON for fuck's sake, it doesn't matter - you just keep creating. What I'm missing though, and what may simply be my truth... is a mainstream connection with what I create. I do struggle with why that is. But I struggle so rarely now, nothing really progresses. That's the key to making it. That constant unease that FORCES the struggle. It's with you ALLLLLLLLLL DAY. It makes new plans, new ideas because you're fighting to erase that PAIN. That aching underachieving PAIN. But now? I luuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuv my wife I luuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuv my kid... I have NONE of that. I see the old pain now and again. I smile. I think for a few moments on what I'm supposed to do next. It doesn't come... so I play peek-a-boo with Vienna. What used to happen 24-7 happens .35-2. So I grew more in a DAY in 2008 than I do in 3 years. LOL.
But I'm alive. That's still more than Dead 2010 Adam could've done. <shrugs> I'm ordinary, but I'm extra-ordinarily happy.
To be continued. Someday. :-)
ps - I think Obama jobbed us all. He wasn't attacking a damn thing, he was playing bad cop to force the negotiation. I might be wrong here, but I may have to eat my words from the last entry. Which is certainly a good thing. ;-)