Strange, huh? I
guess what I said in the video is a good chunk of
this entry:
As my
construction oddyssey enters another year I have
been wondering where this is coming from. I don't
have a background in this whatsoever. I certainly
didn't get it from my father, and though I had a
step-father who did construction - I was busy
writing music. I never learned anything from him
other than how to piss off those around you by not
finishing the projects you start. I heard that a
helluva lot growing up.
And then a
12 pack of Rolling Rock bottles were on sale for
$8.99 and that mixed with my age, doing
construction and my wife beater hit me like a ton
of bricks: I sub-consciously became Dan. My
step-father Dan. His favorite beer, his shirt of
choice, his trade and in his late 30s. How did that
happen?
It's like
something gets lodged in your brain at 12 and 13
and 25 years later you finally put the pieces
together: I wanted his approval. The age-old
"trying to impress your father" even if he was just
a step-father and he left the house when you were
18. But from 9-18? He was absolutely a role-model.
Fiercely political mixed with the mental
manipulation only an alcoholic can have, he forced
me to use my intelligence and debate him. It's the
only reason I was a successful talk-show host at
19: I had been fighting with words since I was 9.
He also did
theater in his younger years, and as I got into
theater in high school I was excited when he would
come and see me and compare the plays he had been a
part of. He was very supportive (which made the
alcoholic side of him even harder to take) and when
he left, though he was abusive to my mother, I was
sad. I knew then the world was grey. Did it give me
a Superman complex as I started adulthood?
Absolutely. Palaur was the culmination of that.
Very glad I got that out of my system so young.
That's a horrible pattern to repeat. No I found new
and totally different ways to repeat long-term
relationships. Heh.
So Dan, are
you impressed? I know you thought I could sing and
dance and play music... but do you like what I
built? I think I have that bug you did. I think I
enjoy the feeling of accomplishment in building the
same way I enjoy building a song or a story. I
didn't know that as a teen... but clearly, you play
a part in this. All this time, I've just been doing
my best Dan impression...
...except
that I'm finishing all of it.
I'm not sure I've
ever really talked in-depth about Dan on this site,
because as an adult my perspective changed. As a teen,
he was extremely influential. I'm not kidding about
the talk-show line. Battling wits with him from 9 on
is absoLUTEly the reason I was able to walk into
intense and heated political discussions live on-air
at 19. Except, in the end? It means I had to
battle as a kid. I learned how to deal
with "drunk" (you don't, you wait until the morning),
I learned so much about how women without
self-esteem get PUMMELLED by the men in their lives,
if only by words. There's just nothing that happened
during those ten years of my life that I didn't
learn a great deal from...
...but that's kind
of the point. I had to learn the hard way by
watching the pain someone caused people he loved
simply because he couldn't stop drinking or thinking
of himself. I remember when I got in my
first car accident at 16 (uninsured driver plowed into
me at a stop light). I was shaken up and it was
the most adult and intense thing I'd ever been to. Dan
called home that night from a bar and I mentioned
it to him and he asked if I was alright, I was,
but he never came home. I didn't see him until
the next day. I was so hurt. I told him
I was hurt and he got in my face. My mom thought
we were gonna fight, I spent a few days at my
grandmother's... he lacked empathy for
sure.
...but that same
guy took me to my first Bulls game and followed the
Bulls bus on the freeway for a good 30 minutes as
I watched my heroes talking as the setting sun
came through their darkened windows. And as
I said in the video he was extremely supportive
of my talents and without the alcohol? Quite a lovely
guy. I heard that after he split from my mom he
quit drinking. Great. No, really - glad he did, but
jeeeeeeeeeeeezus did it cause us pain. And I always
say it's the "grey" of him that made it so hard. So
much to love and hate at any given time. Constant back
and forth during such formative years.
I feel like
Don Draper talking about this. This mysterious life
that no one knows about. There are people that have
read this site for nearly 14 years and have
NEVER heard anything about him. He came with
his new family (and even that's a helluva story) to
The Journey movie/show in January 2010. He was kind.
He was old. He was there. Again, there's so much
I loved about him. So much to process. There has
to be something to why I'm suddenly building all this
shit like he used to.
...or I just
have the time right now and I like improving my
environment. 'Cause I seriously never saw him do
anything like this:
It would be cool
if he came and saw it all one day. I think I
would cry a lot for some reason. In fact, imagining
showing him what I built, just like he built stuff,
made me tear up. Man, some shit is buried pretty deep
isn't it...
...like those
shorts. Christ my mom's a hottie. And who's the
MEXICAN KID!??!?! Wow. I remember this picture
being developed. I remember it being the
"new" picture we took as if it were last YEAR in
my, well, in my heart.
