Naming an entry
"fatherhood" seems so boring to me (even as I
typed it out I was shaking my head) but it's the
right title. It's what I'm so in love with right now
and there's no other word for it. I remember when
I was single thinking that although I could
find happiness alone, the best "me" only came out in a
strong relationship. I missed that "me". I'm starting
to see an addition to that: parent. I'm finding
I want to be the best husband and now father
humanly possible and when everyone's smiling? I'm a
happy man. Like, happier than I've ever been in my
life and nothing (and I do mean nothing) comes
close. So this video may seem boring to you, but in
the scope of all that rests within this site? It's
pretty wonderful.
There is a sort of
magic about that shot to me. There will be tons of
videos from that location (best light in the house now
that I took down a wall) and she will grow bigger and
of course we're hoping for one more. I will grow
older, the bits will be funnier (ha), and you will see
the happiest man in every one. Man what is it?
I guess it's exactly what I said: a more
complete "me". I even knew I wanted kids and this
is surprising me. In single terms? I just really
like hanging out with that kid. I find her
immeasurably funny. I imagine the world through her
eyes and I just smile. I am of course setting
myself up for the first murder of a 5 year old that
hurts her, but I'm preparing for that too. I've always
been good at preparing for the harsh shit that is sure
to come my way and there are parts of Parenthood that
are indeed harsh. But I guess I'm really just
surprised at how little it feels like a burden or even
difficult. Are we tired? Yes (though she has slept
through the night for 2 straight days!). Does it make
travelling or going out more difficult? Here's the
weird thing, it doesn't really occur to us. Well, to
me anyway. I mean, of course you're taking your
family. What, are we going to leave her at home? So
she needs to have a car seat and an extra few
diapers... uhm, she's 7 months. Duh. I guess when
I was single I would consider it a drag?
I guess? But I like the team mentality.
We're helpin' her out for a bit until she stops
shitting her pants. Seems the right thing to do, no? I
hope someone understands when I'M shitting my
pants in 40 years. So... what's the big deal? The
bottom line is, when you're happy? Even the little
"going out" patterns are fun. And the biggest
reason? 'Cause in September of 2010 I was as low
as I have ever been and was ready drop off the planet.
Every, single, day is appreciated. And this kid? I
mean look at her:
If you're not
happy hanging out with that ridiculous creature,
you're just not happy.
I spent so
many months saying I wasn't gonna be "that dad". What
I didn't realize is that when you become that dad? You
stop giving a shit what it looks like. I've always
been honest, I always document the truth (not just MY
truth) and there is no greater truth: I adore
fatherhood and I spend all of my time at home. Yes,
I'm doing career stuff and I'm documenting that too,
but it isn't the "truth". It's what I feel compelled
to do because I have a bunch of talent and I miss
using those muscles. The truth is that face up there.
Hell, the truth is my face right next to
her:
...and I've done
some cool shit. I really have. I shake my head at
2000-2009 sometimes. What a ride. But nothing bests
parenthood. Real, hands-on, in-the-dirt,
parenthood.
