12:50 PM, Monday, May 6th, 2013:
Naming an entry "fatherhood" seems so boring to me (even as I typed it out I was shaking my head) but it's the right title. It's what I'm so in love with right now and there's no other word for it. I remember when I was single thinking that although I could find happiness alone, the best "me" only came out in a strong relationship. I missed that "me". I'm starting to see an addition to that: parent. I'm finding I want to be the best husband and now father humanly possible and when everyone's smiling? I'm a happy man. Like, happier than I've ever been in my life and nothing (and I do mean nothing) comes close. So this video may seem boring to you, but in the scope of all that rests within this site? It's pretty wonderful.
There is a sort of magic about that shot to me. There will be tons of videos from that location (best light in the house now that I took down a wall) and she will grow bigger and of course we're hoping for one more. I will grow older, the bits will be funnier (ha), and you will see the happiest man in every one. Man what is it? I guess it's exactly what I said: a more complete "me". I even knew I wanted kids and this is surprising me. In single terms? I just really like hanging out with that kid. I find her immeasurably funny. I imagine the world through her eyes and I just smile. I am of course setting myself up for the first murder of a 5 year old that hurts her, but I'm preparing for that too. I've always been good at preparing for the harsh shit that is sure to come my way and there are parts of Parenthood that are indeed harsh. But I guess I'm really just surprised at how little it feels like a burden or even difficult. Are we tired? Yes (though she has slept through the night for 2 straight days!). Does it make travelling or going out more difficult? Here's the weird thing, it doesn't really occur to us. Well, to me anyway. I mean, of course you're taking your family. What, are we going to leave her at home? So she needs to have a car seat and an extra few diapers... uhm, she's 7 months. Duh. I guess when I was single I would consider it a drag? I guess? But I like the team mentality. We're helpin' her out for a bit until she stops shitting her pants. Seems the right thing to do, no? I hope someone understands when I'M shitting my pants in 40 years. So... what's the big deal? The bottom line is, when you're happy? Even the little "going out" patterns are fun. And the biggest reason? 'Cause in September of 2010 I was as low as I have ever been and was ready drop off the planet. Every, single, day is appreciated. And this kid? I mean look at her:
If you're not happy hanging out with that ridiculous creature, you're just not happy.
I spent so many months saying I wasn't gonna be "that dad". What I didn't realize is that when you become that dad? You stop giving a shit what it looks like. I've always been honest, I always document the truth (not just MY truth) and there is no greater truth: I adore fatherhood and I spend all of my time at home. Yes, I'm doing career stuff and I'm documenting that too, but it isn't the "truth". It's what I feel compelled to do because I have a bunch of talent and I miss using those muscles. The truth is that face up there. Hell, the truth is my face right next to her:
...and I've done some cool shit. I really have. I shake my head at 2000-2009 sometimes. What a ride. But nothing bests parenthood. Real, hands-on, in-the-dirt, parenthood.
Happy, happy. Joy, joy.