I always planned
to do this entry. Events have drastically
changed in the past 48-72 hours and I haven't the
slightest idea what the appropriate way to deal with
them are...
...so we'll go as
scheduled with a nod to the fourth generation. Gotta
love the number 4.
So many tears and
the inability to fully explain why. What is happening
right now? Back to the entry...
I thought of this
trip back home immediately in September of 2000 when
my grandmother passed away. I was closest to Nana on
my mother's side and when she died, for whatever
reason, I thought of her not being there when I
brought my first child back. They wouldn't even get to
"barely" remember her. She'll eventually have been
gone longer than she was IN my life. It devastated me
at the time and even nearly 13 years later it stings.
My paternal grandmother went just as suddenly 6 years
later and it struck me the same way. I was never that
close to my grandfathers, so it felt as if a
generation disappeared before their time. At the time
I it was difficult to see my parents as
grandparents. Thankfully, now that I've seen them
holding her, it fits... but there is still a greater
sense of loss now because there are holes in my
picture book. Holes that should've been my Nana
holding Vienna. Thankfully as my children get older
that pain will lessen, but coming home certainly
re-opened those wounds. As they say, it is what it is.
I'm so glad I was able to feel a few moments with that
generation, though even they can't know how special it
is to me. Why? Because over a dozen years ago
I chose to leave my family and once a year will
simply never amount to what they meant to
me.
....and then the
realization that once a year may not happen now. To
those reading this, my entire life is upside down at
the moment. I can't wait to board that plane in a few
hours and try to piece together exactly what has
happened, but suffice to say - I'm not coming back for
quite awhile. I wish I knew exactly why, hell
I wish anyone would even say two words to me and
Talya as to what the issue is... but the issue is most
definitely real, and I have to protect Talya and
Vienna.
There will always
be change. You can certainly depend on that. But it's
usually something out of your control that you tip
your hat to and have respect for. When it's a
chosen derivation from peace? It feels like a
death. In fact, death would be easier to process.
I am doing a HORRIBLE job at keeping this entry
on topic, aren't I?
I apologize.
I want desperately to give the fourth generation their
due with a great entry, but a great video will have to
suffice. My fingers are far more honest than my
editing skills. And within these Journey walls? They
are free. I look at the same program I have used
since 1999 and I am safe. I am
honest...
