9:19 AM, Tueday, April 2nd, 2013:
I always planned to do this entry. Events have drastically changed in the past 48-72 hours and I haven't the slightest idea what the appropriate way to deal with them are...
...so we'll go as scheduled with a nod to the fourth generation. Gotta love the number 4.
So many tears and the inability to fully explain why. What is happening right now? Back to the entry...
I thought of this trip back home immediately in September of 2000 when my grandmother passed away. I was closest to Nana on my mother's side and when she died, for whatever reason, I thought of her not being there when I brought my first child back. They wouldn't even get to "barely" remember her. She'll eventually have been gone longer than she was IN my life. It devastated me at the time and even nearly 13 years later it stings. My paternal grandmother went just as suddenly 6 years later and it struck me the same way. I was never that close to my grandfathers, so it felt as if a generation disappeared before their time. At the time I it was difficult to see my parents as grandparents. Thankfully, now that I've seen them holding her, it fits... but there is still a greater sense of loss now because there are holes in my picture book. Holes that should've been my Nana holding Vienna. Thankfully as my children get older that pain will lessen, but coming home certainly re-opened those wounds. As they say, it is what it is. I'm so glad I was able to feel a few moments with that generation, though even they can't know how special it is to me. Why? Because over a dozen years ago I chose to leave my family and once a year will simply never amount to what they meant to me.
....and then the realization that once a year may not happen now. To those reading this, my entire life is upside down at the moment. I can't wait to board that plane in a few hours and try to piece together exactly what has happened, but suffice to say - I'm not coming back for quite awhile. I wish I knew exactly why, hell I wish anyone would even say two words to me and Talya as to what the issue is... but the issue is most definitely real, and I have to protect Talya and Vienna.
There will always be change. You can certainly depend on that. But it's usually something out of your control that you tip your hat to and have respect for. When it's a chosen derivation from peace? It feels like a death. In fact, death would be easier to process. I am doing a HORRIBLE job at keeping this entry on topic, aren't I?
I apologize. I want desperately to give the fourth generation their due with a great entry, but a great video will have to suffice. My fingers are far more honest than my editing skills. And within these Journey walls? They are free. I look at the same program I have used since 1999 and I am safe. I am honest...
...and I need to get out of this entry.
Goodbye Columbus,