11:13 AM, Friday, March 15th, 2013:
WOOHOO RANDOMS! Have to get all this shit out of my head. Funny what gets lost in the shuffle. I like Journey entries to be kinda substantial so I skip over little shit... but then I still wanna document it, blah blah blah - that's why they're called randoms. ANNNNNNNNNNNNNNND Go:
1) Sleep Emailing
Don't keep your phone by your bed. Just don't. I guess when you're past the "Drunk dialing" stage of life, you then get to the "sleep emailing" portion? Funny enough though, they both come from the same place: feeling really deep inside you that need to get out, but whenever you're in your right mind you realize how stupid they are and you ignore them. Drunk or sleepy? They make perfect sense...
...however sleep emailing is a little worse because you may have just had a dream that SEEMED real, therefore it changes your entire landscape. So of course I have a random dream about the meangirl from 2011 where I attempt to have this long-winded conversation with her, while all her friends interrupt with their opinions that have nothing to do with the conversation. Annoying dream. And one I haven't had in awhile as in my conscious state I realize narcissism doesn't listen to reason. In my sub-conscious however I explain and explain and explain my positions assuming rationale will make suddenly connect. And then, as I fall in and out of the dream I pick up my FUCKING PHONE and send this email:
RE: If you really don't have....
...the same tape loop as I do and are at peace with everything, disregard this email.
However, if you'd like some peace I would love to stop having the long winded conversations I keep having in my dreams with you. Two years later and clearly my sub-conscious thinks there's some value in talking without an audience. If you don't, I understand.
Wow, rereading that it's rather succinct for not remembering sending it. I woke up this morning and told Talya that I thought I sent an email and was laughing in embarrassment. Took me several hours to even look at my sent box. (sigh) She won't respond, again - actual communication and discussion is kryptonite to narcissism but I KNOW THAT when I'm awake. Funny what your sub-conscious focuses on when you're happy consciously isn't it? That episode 2 years ago is pretty much the last miscommunication issue of my life. Huh.
2) Conscious Speaking
Except one of the "loose ends" I spoke of last year did contact me and we cleared the air a bit. Unblocked, shared a couple "very happy for you"s and went about our lives. And strangely? The long laundry list of things I wanted to discuss with her all this time? Seemed completely inconsequential. I looked back at the last emails years ago and I honestly already said it. Hell, I had said it for YEARS in this particular case, but I always took it personally that she didn't understand. Now? She just couldn't. Wasn't old enough. She understands a bit more now, and will understand a bit more later. <shrugs> There's really nothing left to say. Once she unblocked me on Facebook and I could see that she was alright and happy? I was at peace. She saw the same (although with The Journey, there is no blocking) and we just shared a few niceties and moved on. Felt good. Still floored however that I had nothing to say after all this time. Would probably be the same thing with the meangirl. I would go to coffee, sit down, look at her and just shake my head and apologize for wasting her time. It's all been said. And not even with emotion or anger, etc. It was well thought out, well constructed, and within the moment. Now? It's all hazy and filled with a yearning to help because you find you have similar backgrounds as you read her blog. Frighteningly similar actually. At least that still elicits the urge to help and communicate with as opposed to anger or fear. Good to know.
3) Still. Making. Stuff.
After everything is done with Jimmy's pad and my pad, there's Talya's studio at her mother's new house to work on. (sigh). I gotta say, if you're gonna be unemployed, it's cool to spend all your time investing in things that will make you money. I mean, if I had a job I'd just be paying someone to do all these things so it kind of all evens out. And I get to spend more time with the munchkin. LIfe is good. In fact, how's about a video with both of those things...
Ha. Guess this segues into another random
4) Baby Eats!
Kinda. Well, no, not at all. Don't think she's ready for this yet. Hasn't the slightest idea what to do with the food once it's in her mouth. She's like "this is weird, this shouldn't be here" - spit. :) It's cute and fun and more than anything it's an exciting new stage to watch her play around in. Honestly, we just want to sleep at this point and rumor has it once you introduce food, it gets more likely. Uhm. Oh well.
5) So yeah, still not sleeping.
You can read all the books, you can do all the training, you can read every tip, you can think you have it perfect and then you may still have a baby that ain't having it. <shrugs> In the scheme of things? Who cares. Talya and I are incredibly lucky to not have 9-5s that would make this period almost unbearable, so hey - it's party time at 4:30. We keep trying to train, keep figuring things out and one night she's gonna sleep all the way through and we're both gonns jump out of bed scared out of our fucking minds that she must be dead. LOL. In our present sleepy haze, that just seems funny to me.
6) Seriously?
So I mentioned the sleeping thing to a friend and he said:  "Yeah. That's exactly why we aren't having kids."
What? Because for a couple months your sleep gets interrupted you aren't having KIDS? You think THAT is the sacrifice? You think THAT is the hard part? Dude, that's the EASY part. The kid only needs 1 of like 4 things at this age, you literally can't fuck it up - and you're worried about your full 8 hours? Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeit. Thank GOD you think that's the hard part and that's making you pull out 'cause you would lose your mind when that kid turns 2. Or 3. Or 4-18. Fuck. That comment blew my mind when he said it. I mean, awesome he knows he doesn't want to have kids, but frightening as balls that it's the first couple of months that is the concern and that if he just got past that he'd go for it. WHEW.
7) Awesome pics
Surprised this one didn't piss off the women from the mysogyny debate:
I wasn't just talkin' about the dogs. LOL. I mean, it's funny because it's absurd. When Talya and I have the baby in bed and the dogs jump on too? Talya makes the joke: "Adam and his bitches." Duh. It's goofy. Clearly it's absurd. Lighten up. Then again, maybe they did because no one got all shitty about the pic. Heh.
God it's so true. It fills you with a joy that is indescribable and absolutely pure. We're finding however that the moment she laughs at you? Just means she's tired. LOL. She is rarely wide awake and starts laughing. She has to be 10 minutes from sleep and about 5 minutes from crying because she's tired. Fine line between a laugh and a cry for a woman.
Talya always gets the best pics of this kid. And that hair - it just ain't falling out. People kept warning us that she'd never keep all that hair but it keeps hanging out and being more and more unruly as time goes on. I love it. And she just stares at that camera boy...
I mean, what? LOL. Yes, I know there will be pressure to put her in front of actual cameras, etc. but it just isn't going to happen. Sorry. That cannot be her first feeling of self-worth: being pretty. Can't be, won't be, have to protect her from that. Pardon anyone else reading this who I may inadvertently be judging but if she's that gorgeous, she'll know it later. No need to instill that it's more important than everything else she can be now.
Ha. Two faves right there. Don't even need words.
Melt. Sigh. Love her more than life. All of those things you know you're going to feel, yet somehow surprise you when you feel them.
Love the tongue. Love how she looks at that thing like it's alive. What a joy to watch her... and to wash her! After bathtime:
Honestly, everything you do with a baby is just an excuse to look at how adorable they are. I mean look at that thing she's wearing. How fun is childhood. And she knows it.
8) Date Night
Alright, I've taken pretty much all day to put this together and it's time to get ready for DATE NIGHT! Wahoo! This shouldn't be a random. This should be an entry. And so it shall be. Next entry on Sunday will be about how awesome Friday Nights have become for me and Talya and how utterly important they are. :)