3:35 PM, Monday, December 31st, 2012:
It doesn't get more appropriate than that title: Broken Record. An absolute repeat of last year (being the best ever) with the birth of my first child on TOP of it. I got to spend the ENTIRE YEAR redoing my house and getting it ready for a baby and I've not only never been happier? What I thought was happiness before is a shock to my system to try and process...
...however, that's kind of the rub for "The Journey". A site that really relies on the ups and downs of life to supply the story. We've had the "happy scene" for two straight years now. I mentioned it in our anniversary entry, I almost need to find some other angle, some other drive or it's gonna be painfully boring. More on that in the next entry, for now - we'll celebrate all that 2012 was:
Remarkable that we conceived, found out about, gave birth to and celebrated her 3rd month all in one calendar year. My house and backyard are completely unrecognizeable now which is also a big relief. Sure, quite a bit will bleed into 2013, but that's fine. I can slow the pace down (like I have a choice - lol) and it will happen when it happens, but there was a joy in 2012 I'm not sure I've ever had in my creative life. How do I explain this...
Because of an investment I made in IMAX stock in 2008 (since I'm nearly completely sold out of them I guess I can talk about this, I held off while I was still fully into it), I have been able to coast. When the baby was coming, and I was out of work? I knew what I had to do... finish every single thing I had put off doing with my house and backyard as cheaply as humanly possible, relying on those stocks to plug the holes. As well, family has been so supportive with baby stuff throughout this year it really has taken a load off of us and even allowed me to do what I did from May-December. But something else allowed me to construct all that stuff:
Mind-numbing fearlessness.
Stop telling me I must be good at it, or that I had a "knack" for it. No, I didn't. It was the complete lack of fear I have in failing. Why? Because I already have so many times, I literally don't care. I think I can do it. And when I don't? I show THAT just as much. I thought I could eat 50 nuggets faster than my cousin. I couldn't. Did I hide the video? Nope. I friggin' produced that shit and posted it for the whole world to see. There were absolutely times throughout this entire year that as I was attempting some of the things I did construction-wise, I was certain this wasn't gonna work. Taking a wall down in my house with electricity in it? Think I didn't google "load-bearing walls" for days? Think I didn't have night terrors about crushing my family at the dinner table for being a complete dumbass? I did, but I pushed through, I did the research and I made it happen. This, unlike my industry? Is something I can control with hardwork and determination. It was beautiful. It made for the most beautiful year of my life even WITHOUT A FRIGGIN' BABY. :-)
No one could "pass" on GolfKon. No one could tell me it wouldn't sell. No, this year I got to create everything my heart could desire and in the end? Everyone was happy. It's the root of all creation that we become numb to when you're within an industry that must judge constantly: it feels good to create and share art. It just does. My audience was me and my wife. 100% approval. :-) If you come over and don't like it? I tip my hat to ya and send you on your way.
And every day this year, even the 16 hour days hauling cement and wood... I was grateful. I was so grateful to be able to spend my time doing this as a job thanks to an investment in 2008 that kept the mortgage paid for years. I love that I spent that time reinvesting back into the home Talya and I will raise a family in. Smart. I love that we got rid of sooooooooo many things and our house now feels bigger than most people's homes 3 times the size. Our backyard now feels MASSIVE with nearly every corner of it turned into useable space that we use quite often.
I adore that I was able to do it with my 2 hands and that my body has held up. It may take me years to fully heal from the abuse that it took this year, but I'm not sure there's a prouder accomplishment in my life than the projects I pulled off and am in the process of pulling off. No fear (well a little concern but not enough to not JUMP), no rest, just GO. GO. GO. How fortunate I was to have the time and money to do this. Just, wow.
And of course, in the midst of all of that. My freaking kid was born. I, just, how do you even start? It seems a cop-out to say there aren't words to describe it, but yeah, you can't describe it. From a guy who has had a ton of great days in his life... it doesn't come close to the joy/pride/utter freaking delirium of being with your baby the first day of it's life. Your mind races at every moment, you don't sleep and you don't care... you exude this joy that is so unmatched it'll probably take a decade for me to actually understand how special that day was. It's just burned in me. Entry #1275. 2012 & 1975. Of course. Why do I even bother questioning the magic anymore. :-)
And finally, as the broken record skips yet again, none of it possible without having the most effortlessly wonderful union I will ever know. So many of the things I just described just couldn't happen in the wrong relationship. This year could've been the most stressful in my life... and it was the opposite of that. To those who think they understand, I swear you'll never know. What you could even begin to describe as a "conflict" in our relationship is literally how we can learn to be more appreciative of how great things are. Does that sink into anyone? That's a conflict for us. Not being appreciative ENOUGH of just how awesome our lives are. Broken Record. Great song, but still, a broken record.
Now, I've lived enough to know there will be trying years ahead. Probably more than I've been through already, but that's why I document everything so meticulously. Celebrate the good, the bad, the in between because when you float downstream? It changes quickly. But I'm happy to report that for the past 2 years of my life I have been on a cloud. 2012 was without a doubt, the most rewarding and incredible year I've ever known. I just have to believe that 2012 is going to stand out as one of the best ever for a long time. Wow, wow, wow. I can't wait to see what happens next.