It doesn't get
more appropriate than that title: Broken Record. An
absolute repeat of last year (being the best ever)
with the birth of my first child on TOP of
it. I got to spend the ENTIRE YEAR redoing my house
and getting it ready for a baby and I've not only
never been happier? What I thought was happiness
before is a shock to my system to try and
process...
...however, that's
kind of the rub for "The Journey". A site that really
relies on the ups and downs of life to supply the
story. We've had the "happy scene" for two
straight years now. I mentioned it in our
anniversary entry, I almost need to find some
other angle, some other drive or it's gonna be
painfully boring. More on that in the next entry, for
now - we'll celebrate all that 2012 was:
Remarkable that we
conceived, found out about, gave birth to and
celebrated her 3rd month all in one calendar year. My
house and backyard are completely unrecognizeable now
which is also a big relief. Sure, quite a bit will
bleed into 2013, but that's fine. I can slow the pace
down (like I have a choice - lol) and it will
happen when it happens, but there was a joy in 2012
I'm not sure I've ever had in my creative life. How do
I explain this...
Because of an
investment I made in IMAX stock in 2008 (since
I'm nearly completely sold out of them I guess I
can talk about this, I held off while I was still
fully into it), I have been able to coast. When the
baby was coming, and I was out of work?
I knew what I had to do... finish every
single thing I had put off doing with my house
and backyard as cheaply as humanly possible, relying
on those stocks to plug the holes. As well, family has
been so supportive with baby stuff throughout this
year it really has taken a load off of us and even
allowed me to do what I did from May-December.
But something else allowed me to construct all that
stuff:
Mind-numbing
fearlessness.
Stop telling me
I must be good at it, or that I had a
"knack" for it. No, I didn't. It was the
complete lack of fear I have in failing. Why? Because
I already have so many times, I literally don't
care. I think I can do it. And when I don't?
I show THAT just as much. I thought
I could eat 50 nuggets faster than my cousin. I
couldn't. Did I hide the video? Nope.
I friggin' produced that shit and posted it for
the whole world to see. There were absolutely times
throughout this entire year that as I was
attempting some of the things I did construction-wise,
I was certain this wasn't gonna work. Taking a wall
down in my house with electricity in it? Think
I didn't google "load-bearing walls" for days?
Think I didn't have night terrors about crushing
my family at the dinner table for being a complete
dumbass? I did, but I pushed through, I did the
research and I made it happen. This, unlike my
industry? Is something I can control with
hardwork and determination. It was beautiful. It made
for the most beautiful year of my life even WITHOUT
A FRIGGIN' BABY. :-)
No one could
"pass" on GolfKon. No one could tell me it wouldn't
sell. No, this year I got to create everything my
heart could desire and in the end? Everyone was happy.
It's the root of all creation that we become numb to
when you're within an industry that must judge
constantly: it feels good to create and share art. It
just does. My audience was me and my wife. 100%
approval. :-) If you come over and don't like it? I
tip my hat to ya and send you on your way.
And every day this
year, even the 16 hour days hauling cement and wood...
I was grateful. I was so grateful to be able
to spend my time doing this as a job thanks to
an investment in 2008 that kept the mortgage paid for
years. I love that I spent that time
reinvesting back into the home Talya and I will
raise a family in. Smart. I love that we got rid
of sooooooooo many things and our house now feels
bigger than most people's homes 3 times the size. Our
backyard now feels MASSIVE with nearly every corner of
it turned into useable space that we use quite
often.
I adore that I was
able to do it with my 2 hands and that my body has
held up. It may take me years to fully heal from the
abuse that it took this year, but I'm not sure there's
a prouder accomplishment in my life than the projects
I pulled off and am in the process of pulling off. No
fear (well a little concern but not enough to not
JUMP), no rest, just GO. GO. GO. How fortunate
I was to have the time and money to do this.
Just, wow.
And of course, in
the midst of all of that. My freaking kid was born. I,
just, how do you even start? It seems a cop-out to say
there aren't words to describe it, but yeah, you can't
describe it. From a guy who has had a ton of great
days in his life... it doesn't come close to the
joy/pride/utter freaking delirium of being with your
baby the first day of it's life. Your mind races at
every moment, you don't sleep and you don't care...
you exude this joy that is so unmatched it'll probably
take a decade for me to actually understand how
special that day was. It's just burned in me. Entry
#1275. 2012 & 1975. Of course. Why do I even
bother questioning the magic anymore. :-)
And finally, as
the broken record skips yet again, none of it possible
without having the most effortlessly wonderful union I
will ever know. So many of the things I just
described just couldn't happen in the wrong
relationship. This year could've been the most
stressful in my life... and it was the opposite of
that. To those who think they understand, I swear
you'll never know. What you could even begin to
describe as a "conflict" in our relationship is
literally how we can learn to be moreappreciative of how great things are. Does that
sink into anyone? That's a conflict for us. Not
being appreciative ENOUGH of just how awesome our
lives are. Broken Record. Great song, but still, a
broken record.
Now, I've lived
enough to know there will be trying years ahead.
Probably more than I've been through already, but
that's why I document everything so meticulously.
Celebrate the good, the bad, the in between because
when you float downstream? It changes quickly. But I'm
happy to report that for the past 2 years of my life
I have been on a cloud. 2012 was without a doubt,
the most rewarding and incredible year I've ever
known. I just have to believe that 2012 is going to
stand out as one of the best ever for a long time.
Wow, wow, wow. I can't wait to see what happens
next.
