11:13 PM, Wednesday, November 28th, 2012:
Whewwwwwwwwwww. I cannot remember a time when I've ever been so wrong about something. Usually because I'm always open to the fact that I CAN be wrong, I rarely get surprised. When my mother told me not to watch the needle go into Vienna when she got her 2-month shots, I threw it in the category of all the things my mom has a hard time handling which have never really affected me. I'm the guy that stitches my own leg, remember? I have zero issues with needles, pain, etc. Even seeing Vienna in pain or discomfort, my logic takes over and I'm level-headed about it. Why would shots be any different? We all gotta get 'em.
The first one? I was fine with. She cried, I expected it. Shots suck. Talya was over her lookin in her eyes and talking to her while the nurse gave the shot. I was sitting to the left of them bummin' for Vienna but from my angle I couldn't really see the needle it was the other leg. Two quick ones in the left and only one more in the right.
Just about the time of the switch of legs and Vienna stopped crying and was looking at Talya quite exasperated. But she knew everything was ok right at that moment and calmed down. Then the final shot, which I saw go in and easily went through half of Vienna's leg. She looked up at Talya and just screamed a scream I hadn't heard before. And... I... lost it. In fact, am crying while typing this. Laughing at myself as well, but what went through my body was as intense a feeling as I've known. Life with a anewborn is a lot of unknowns and you kinda float throughout it all with educated guesses and a sense of humor. You're never quite sure, and every once and awhile you nail what they need/want and you feel all happy - but it's a lot of trial and error. All through her eyes and wiggles and cries. This was the first time that I knew exactly what was wrong as it was happening and couldn't stop it. She expected us to, thought we had stopped it, looked in our eyes and then it happened again. I describe this like it's some new phenomenon - and that not every parent hasn't gone through this and that there isn't more moments like this coming... but for me? There is a bit more to it.
One of my earliest memories is of being on a doctor's table in pain while my parents watched and I couldn't understand why they weren't helping. No idea why I have this memory when most kids don't. I was 18 months if even that old. I was instantly back on that table in a reverse of the roles with Vienna and my body just cried. Not sure which I was crying for to be honest. I just felt like a puddle.
Vienna, of course, quit crying within 10-15 seconds, I continued. I actually had to sit in the room to contain myself for a bit. Then cried walking down the street to the car, then cried in the car, then cried in the backyard doing construction... it just kinda ate at me. That little face finally making connections, finally understanding that our eyes mean safety and then getting tricked again. And seeing that needle did it. Because relatively speaking? It was like putting an ice-pick through your thigh. And I instantly became an over-protective dad. At home all I thought of was those little bastards that dared to fuck with her heart when she's older. By the end of the day today I felt like a different person. I even told Talya that I really needed to process this because I don't like that person. I have always been the "go with the flow" type. Through unBELIEVABLE losses and pain. Kind of the root of my character. It feels like that naive fucker is gonnnnnnnnnnne. Float downstream? Maybe in a SUBMARINE with HEAVY ARTILLERY. The things I would do to avoid that pain for her? There isn't enough room on the internet for me to write it. And while that sounds good? That's not the healthiest way to raise a child. You can't turn life into a war where you fight feeling pain. This is MY issue as a parent that I need to come to terms with and try and temper. I mean, duh, you hurt my kid I eat your liver for breakfast, that's a given... but this feeling of intensity at anything EVER happening to her is just not going to work. I talk about this with Talya all the time. About the joy of failing, the joy of falling, the gift of "mistakes". They're what make you grow. There will hardly be a situation Vienna gets into that I will not have an overwhelming amount of experience in. Hell, there will more than likely be a Journey Entry at HAND ready to go... but that's the last thing she needs. No, truly, it's last. She may need it, but it will be after she does it all by herself and falls all over the place. LOL. That's life, that's what I want to give my kid. The ability to fall into HER life, HER relationships, HER heart. Not mine. Not Talya's. After today however, I'm aware of just how hard that's gonna be.
And seriously, to the little dude that attempts to take advantage of Vienna, I will be in good shape. I'm not running now for me. I'm running now... so I can catch YOU later. And I will. It's your job to get what you want, and it's my job to kill you without Vienna knowing.
Ahem. The above paragraph was my heart talking, my head is presently in talks with my heart to remember the paragraph directly preceding it where I speak all nice and rationally. Oh what a journey this is gonna be. For now, I'm going to enjoy the wonder of babydom. Go enjoy the little connections we CAN make now and soak it up. In the end it's all about communication.