Whewwwwwwwwwww. I
cannot remember a time when I've ever been so wrong
about something. Usually because I'm always open to
the fact that I CAN be wrong, I rarely get
surprised. When my mother told me not to watch the
needle go into Vienna when she got her 2-month shots,
I threw it in the category of all the things my mom
has a hard time handling which have never really
affected me. I'm the guy that stitches my own leg,
remember? I have zero issues with needles, pain, etc.
Even seeing Vienna in pain or discomfort, my logic
takes over and I'm level-headed about it. Why would
shots be any different? We all gotta get
'em.
The first one?
I was fine with. She cried, I expected it. Shots
suck. Talya was over her lookin in her eyes and
talking to her while the nurse gave the shot.
I was sitting to the left of them bummin' for
Vienna but from my angle I couldn't really see
the needle it was the other leg. Two quick ones in the
left and only one more in the right.
Just about the
time of the switch of legs and Vienna stopped crying
and was looking at Talya quite exasperated. But she
knew everything was ok right at that moment and calmed
down. Then the final shot, which I saw go in and
easily went through half of Vienna's leg. She looked
up at Talya and just screamed a scream I hadn't heard
before. And... I... lost it. In fact, am crying while
typing this. Laughing at myself as well, but what went
through my body was as intense a feeling as I've
known. Life with a anewborn is a lot of unknowns and
you kinda float throughout it all with educated
guesses and a sense of humor. You're never quite sure,
and every once and awhile you nail what they need/want
and you feel all happy - but it's a lot of trial and
error. All through her eyes and wiggles and cries.
This was the first time that I knew exactly what
was wrong as it was happening and couldn't stop it.
She expected us to, thought we had stopped it, looked
in our eyes and then it happened again. I describe
this like it's some new phenomenon - and that not
every parent hasn't gone through this and that there
isn't more moments like this coming... but for me?
There is a bit more to it.
One of my earliest
memories is of being on a doctor's table in pain while
my parents watched and I couldn't understand why they
weren't helping. No idea why I have this memory when
most kids don't. I was 18 months if even that old. I
was instantly back on that table in a reverse of the
roles with Vienna and my body just cried. Not sure
which I was crying for to be honest. I just
felt like a puddle.
Vienna, of course,
quit crying within 10-15 seconds, I continued.
I actually had to sit in the room to contain
myself for a bit. Then cried walking down the street
to the car, then cried in the car, then cried in the
backyard doing construction... it just kinda ate at
me. That little face finally making connections,
finally understanding that our eyes mean safety and
then getting tricked again. And seeing that needle did
it. Because relatively speaking? It was like putting
an ice-pick through your thigh. And I instantly
became an over-protective dad. At home all
I thought of was those little bastards that dared
to fuck with her heart when she's older. By the end of
the day today I felt like a different person.
I even told Talya that I really needed to process
this because I don't like that person. I have always
been the "go with the flow" type. Through unBELIEVABLE
losses and pain. Kind of the root of my character. It
feels like that naive fucker is gonnnnnnnnnnne. Float
downstream? Maybe in a SUBMARINE with
HEAVY ARTILLERY. The things I would do to
avoid that pain for her? There isn't enough room on
the internet for me to write it. And while that sounds
good? That's not the healthiest way to raise a child.
You can't turn life into a war where you fight feeling
pain. This is MY issue as a parent that
I need to come to terms with and try and temper.
I mean, duh, you hurt my kid I eat your
liver for breakfast, that's a given... but this
feeling of intensity at anything EVER happening
to her is just not going to work. I talk about
this with Talya all the time. About the joy of
failing, the joy of falling, the gift of "mistakes".
They're what make you grow. There will hardly be a
situation Vienna gets into that I will not have an
overwhelming amount of experience in. Hell, there will
more than likely be a Journey Entry at HAND ready to
go... but that's the last thing she needs. No, truly,
it's last. She may need it, but it will be after she
does it all by herself and falls all over the place.
LOL. That's life, that's what I want to give my
kid. The ability to fall into HER life, HER
relationships, HER heart. Not mine. Not Talya's. After
today however, I'm aware of just how hard that's gonna
be.
And seriously, to
the little dude that attempts to take advantage of
Vienna, I will be in good shape. I'm not running now
for me. I'm running now... so I can catch YOU
later. And I will. It's your job to get what you want,
and it's my job to kill you without Vienna
knowing.
Ahem. The above
paragraph was my heart talking, my head is presently
in talks with my heart to remember the paragraph
directly preceding it where I speak all nice and
rationally. Oh what a journey this is gonna be. For
now, I'm going to enjoy the wonder of babydom. Go
enjoy the little connections we CAN make now and soak
it up. In the end it's all about
communication.
