8:45 AM, Sunday, August 12th, 2012:
So last night I got the kitchen to a "useable" place as Talya's aunt and partner were comin' to town and we were havin' them over for dinner. Talya and her mother went out to pick up a few things and I sat for just a second at the dining room table looking at everything. It just looked so amazing. Taking the wall down turned it into a completely different house. One I certainly never thought I'd own.
The moment was one of those fleeting things we tend to let pass by. You get emotional, then you think about something else. I, on the other hand, tend to grab my camera mid-thought, turn it on... and then get back to that place and figure out what the hell I'm feeling. I did that, and started to sing...
Whew. Yeah. When I'm alone and think about where I am in life? It hits me like a ton of bricks. I think about how hard 2000-2010 was and want desperately to hug that dude. Let him know that it ends well, just hang on. And the basement that was 2010? It wrecks me when I revisit how low I was. A time when I had literally given everything and had nothing to show for it except a documentary that made me bleed from the heart every time I tried to edit it. Every time I thought about it... every time I touched it. And that horrendous video of being dragged around unconscious...
...then suddenly I'm sitting in this beautiful place, alone only for a few minutes, looking at the house I'm remodeling for my wife and baby.
My baby.
My wife.
I'm healing. It's the only thing I think could have healed the damage that occurred from 2000-2010. Hell just 2010 alone. My wife, my baby, my home... stable things that keep your head above water when swirling in your own ego just drowns you. That was the worst part about 2010, the inability to focus on others because there was no one there. I NEED that balance. Contrary to this monstrosity of a website, I thrive on focusing on others' needs. I always have. My relationships have always been teammates. Equals. And you go long enough without feeling that? You crack. I was broken in 2010. As battered and broken as I can possibly ever get and thankfully, one person let me be. She never once had an issue with it. Never demanded more from me than I could give. It just so happens that that women ended up being my unadulterated equal. A union so effortless that people accuse of us lying when we try and explain it. Ha. Man, you know you've got it good when the truth is so wonderful people think it's made up. The last 2 years have been a stability I have never known.
However, as you saw in the video? And thanks to this frighteningly real video blog that instantly sweeps me back to the moments? I get flashes now and then that remind me where I was. It makes me emotional every time. I don't know HOW I'm gonna look at my baby and not cry my eyes out daily. Seriously. It was ENGRAINED in my soul that I had sacrificed this. That I had lost this scenario. I'm the luckiest man on the planet. My heart is so full of joy it feels like adding a baby will literally be too much.
...but let's see how big my heart can get anyway, mmmmmk?