So last night I
got the kitchen to a "useable" place as Talya's aunt
and partner were comin' to town and we were havin'
them over for dinner. Talya and her mother went out to
pick up a few things and I sat for just a second
at the dining room table looking at everything. It
just looked so amazing. Taking the wall down turned it
into a completely different house. One
I certainly never thought I'd own.
The moment was one
of those fleeting things we tend to let pass by. You
get emotional, then you think about something else. I,
on the other hand, tend to grab my camera mid-thought,
turn it on... and then get back to that place and
figure out what the hell I'm feeling. I did that, and
started to sing...
Whew. Yeah. When
I'm alone and think about where I am in life? It hits
me like a ton of bricks. I think about how hard
2000-2010 was and want desperately to hug that dude.
Let him know that it ends well, just hang on. And the
basement that was 2010? It wrecks me when
I revisit how low I was. A time when
I had literally given everything and had nothing
to show for it except a documentary that made me bleed
from the heart every time I tried to edit it.
Every time I thought about it... every time I
touched it. And that horrendous video of being dragged
around unconscious...
...then suddenly
I'm sitting in this beautiful place, alone only for a
few minutes, looking at the house I'm remodeling for
my wife and baby.
My
baby.
My
wife.
I'm healing. It's
the only thing I think could have healed the damage
that occurred from 2000-2010. Hell just 2010 alone. My
wife, my baby, my home... stable things that keep your
head above water when swirling in your own ego just
drowns you. That was the worst part about 2010, the
inability to focus on others because there was no one
there. I NEED that balance. Contrary to this
monstrosity of a website, I thrive on focusing on
others' needs. I always have. My relationships
have always been teammates. Equals. And you go long
enough without feeling that? You crack. I was broken
in 2010. As battered and broken as I can possibly ever
get and thankfully, one person let me be. She never
once had an issue with it. Never demanded more from me
than I could give. It just so happens that that women
ended up being my unadulterated equal. A union so
effortless that people accuse of us lying when we try
and explain it. Ha. Man, you know you've got it good
when the truth is so wonderful people think it's made
up. The last 2 years have been a stability I have
never known.
However, as you
saw in the video? And thanks to this frighteningly
real video blog that instantly sweeps me back to the
moments? I get flashes now and then that remind
me where I was. It makes me emotional every time.
I don't know HOW I'm gonna look at my baby and
not cry my eyes out daily. Seriously. It was
ENGRAINED in my soul that I had sacrificed
this. That I had lost this scenario. I'm the
luckiest man on the planet. My heart is so full of joy
it feels like adding a baby will literally be
too much.
...but let's see
how big my heart can get anyway, mmmmmk?
