I've spent the
better part of my relationship with Talya saying "for
us...". I describe these wildly romantic moments,
incredibly perfect situations and I end each
description with "for us...". I always feel the need
to have that disclaimer. Without it, it seems like I'm
implying we're better than others, or that others
should judge their relationships to that sort of
"fairy-tale" bar. That's ridiculous. And the truth is,
I'm a writer. The Journey is a real-time romance
novel. I sing and write songs. I edit short-films
of the events in our life. It adds a layer of
"make-believe" to our relationship that's over-the-top
even if it's the truth. So, as I've stated before, I
never want people to read about our relationship and
think that their relationship is somehow lacking. This
is what works... for us.
However (you knew
there had to be a caveat)...
I am seeing more
and more articles/conventional wisdom about how to
deal with the "real world" in regards to
relationships. A world where, you know, your
relationship is a bunch of compromise and hard-work.
Ignoring those silly romance movies and lowering your
expectations to literally that of the connection you
have with your Starbucks barista in the morning. And I
really just have to say: enough. Strip away all the
songs, all the movies, all the "showy" romantic stuff
on this site and what Talya and I have is not only
attainable... it's inside everyone. Yet all I see are
people trying to adjust to mediocrity. Accept that
what you want isn't possible. Find happiness in "well,
someone else out there has it worse." And
why?
BECAUSE EVERYONE LACKS ACCOUNTABILITY.
I mean, sweet
jesus people. It starts with YOU. Ya know why I can
even process how wonderful Talya is? I've dealt with
my shit. I've failed. I've picked myself up. I've been
to the ends of the earth emotionally, umpteen times.
I've got a wealth of experience. I know exactly who
I am and what makes me happy. I was accountable
to every woman I ever met or even spoke with. Still
am. Because of that, I have no issue saying "this is
who I am and what will make me happy." In
fact within 2 weeks of meeting Talya,
I had no problem looking at her background and
saying: "Yeah, I'm never gonna give a
shit about that type of affluence. I live below my
means and am happier because of it." And so I'm
specifically talking to those people who are presently
settling:
Look for the flaws
and flags IMMEDIATELY. Don't try and GROW into
something while walking past red flags. Red flags are
signs that the other person will not mesh with you
down the road when things get "real". Red flags are
your body's way of warning you that this is going to
get really difficult once "real" life takes over.
Signs that the person in front of you isn't ready for
a relationship with you. Don't yearn sooooo much for
companionship that you ignore the conflicts. Set your
bar HIGH for a mate. If you don't think you're worth
it? Deal with THAT. ALONE. Talya and I were
honest as ballllllllllllls at the beginning (balls are
far more honest than people give them credit). "I
don't want a relationship. And I think we come
from completely different worlds and they aren't going
to mesh." That's how it started. And as time
passed? I realized she actually felt the same way
I did - just from the other side. She had seen
the negative side of money. We don't spend money
together, we spend time together. But you know
what? To some people? To other women I've been with?
The lack of spending made THEM unhappy. There is no
right and wrong in what you like or who you are. Don't
be afraid of wanting to make midget porn the rest of
your life, find someone who likes watching
MIDGET PORN. Certainly don't hide
that.
You know, I never
really thought of it as ballsy to have that
conversation with Talya so early, but to some it must
have been. However, I wasn't clamoring to have a
relationship so I had no bias. There was no
pressure. I could look at her even though
I liked her and liked spending time with her and
say: "I don't see this workin' out." And then?
Having the patience to see if I was right.
I wasn't. I had it dead wrong. And thank
GODDDDDDDDD I had processed previous heartache so well
that I didn't run as we got closer. And of
course, the rest is history. Once my biggest fears
were calmed (I mean if a rich girl can handle broken
windows and a dumpster couch clearly "money" wasn't
that big of a deal to her) I found peace. The lesson
is clear:
Know who you are,
and demand the level of happiness you want.
I happen to be a peacenik. The more I learn
about it, I seem to be a Buddhist. My ideal is
"floating downstream". So when I say "demand",
I don't mean actually, verbally, demand...
anything. But in my mind? I knew that was the bar. I
would never, ever, ever settle for less than that. Not
after the life I had lead. Not after the stress
I had seen. Fortunately? There were no other red
flags. We just fit. Had there been? I'd have had no
problem talking about it, bringing it up and maybe
admitting that our labels may not be "husband and
wife". And for the first time in a dozen years, I fit
with someone as "husband and wife". So peacefully,
"mother and father" were a foregone conclusion.
Certainly never had that before. Yay. It's nice when
it works out...
...but come on
people - stop telling yourself you can't be swept off
your feet, you can. Stop telling yourself that
attraction doesn't matter and you just want a "nice
person" - you can have both. Stop telling yourself
that it's only in the movies, it isn't. Stop telling
yourself you're too old, you're not. Stop telling
yourself that "men don't think like that" or "women
are nuts" - those generalizations are relative and
depend greatly on the happiness of the person
saying those generalizations. Stop telling
yourself you might be more unhappy if you leave your
unhappy situation so you're better off staying. If you
do that you may still have the following
moment...
...but it will be
littered with thoughts of "what if". What-if you had
listened to your unhappiness, and found something
better? Would you have a more involved father for your
baby? Suddenly you're no longer making poor decisions
for YOUR well-being, you've made them for your kid.
How 'bout that?
And for the
love of ALL THAT IS BEAUTIFUL, stop
thinking that piece of paper is more important than
your happiness or the happiness of your significant
other. If it ends up your husband really wanted kids
although you didn't and thought he could live the rest
of his life without them but was wrong? Let him go. If
your wife thought she could live away from her family
when you got married but a few years in is miserable
and you'd be just as miserable moving back? Love each
other enough to let go. You think there's more
integrity in watching your loved one be unhappy the
rest of their lives because you stayed married? How
'bout stringing them along until their in their 40s
and can no longer have children? All because you
didn't want to be alone?
You know, they say
money is the root of all evil, when in fact it isn't.
Fear is. Let go of your fears and learn to dance with
your failures? Happiness will surround
you.
