entry and video blacked out until 04.01.12
8:33 PM, Tuesday, March 6th, 2012:
So happy to be posting this I can barely stand it...
I could've edited that a bit tighter, but as a parent? I just never want it to end. I kinda want to keep looking at that. I wish there was an app on my iphone I could check and see throughout the day. I'm as giddy as a little boy on a constant level... and I'm promising all of you that I'm not gonna be that dad. Let me explain...
I get annoyed at the parent-centric posts on Facebook too. 'Cause in the end? Kids pretty much do the same goddamn thing at every age. It isolates you as a writer to only being relatable to other parents and I decided long ago that whenever I had kids, I was going to try and base my ramblings on what I felt like. I don't want to chronicle my children as if this was suddenly their journey. I think that's unfair to them and frankly, shouldn't be public. What I'm going to try and do is continue to chronicle what changes me as a man throughout life. This entry's video certainly does that, and of COURSE my children will be a huge part of that... but I don't want to lose myself completely. Now, I very well may for a bit. But I'm going to try and maintain a sense of self through The Journey. Chronicle more about my thoughts. Like, if I want to kill my kid, I'll probably write that. Now, I may lock it, but to me? That's what I want to read about. I have followed this character for 12 years too, and I kinda wonder how he's gonna handle this. I mean, I know he'll be a good father (he fuckin' tells us enough, doesn't he?), but what happens when he screws up? What happens when the wheels come off of that idealized family life he's put together? Will he be honest about that? Or will he hide behind the cute drawing the kid did and act like everything's great? Honesty has served me this long, and I will continue to do my best. I certainly never hid the bad times in relationships, and I will try to do the same as a parent. Time will tell...
...but for today I'm gonna be the annoying parent that's excited about a blurry picture of absolutely nothing.
What the fuck is that? My mother asked me if it was poop. For those that know the ultrasound world, the lady took 2 measurements that showed the baby at 8 Weeks 2 days and 8 weeks 6 days. The gestational ages is 9 weeks 2 days (not sure why it says 7-5 in the pic) and all signs are pointing to smack dab on my birthday week. Crazy.
Another endearing moment for me in the video is Talya getting choked up. Granted, the hormones are in overdrive, but for someone who had pent up so much emotion because of her past, it warms my heart to see her finally let go. We're so happy it's disgusting. We both feel so lucky, so blessed and so thankful to have found each other so randomly... we can barely contain it. A friend of mine warned me that it's not like the movies. Pregnancy is constant fights and pulls most couples apart. There's no longing looks of love while giggling about the baby inside her. That's just what you think it should be because movies paint that picture.
Uhm. Ok. Then you probably aren't going to want to read The Journey for a few months. Talya is so sick she can barely get out of bed and has been for over a month... but there's nothing but love between us. Yes, last month I did break a remote control because of Donna flashbacks, but that's my own private hell after years of abuse from that situation. No, the truth is, Talya and I are that disgusting couple that hug and kiss constantly and are happy every single moment. We sit and cry about how close we came to not meeting each other. How different our lives would be, how much we appreciate every second... and we are absolutely closer every day that baby grows. I am so sorry that anyone else has experienced anything different than this. Everyone should get to feel this once in their lives.
And although I promise not to do the normal parent thing on this vlog, I'm damn sure not gonna tone down the lovey-dovey stuff with Talya. Everyone needs to hear it, see it, and understand that it does exist. If you know yourself well enough, and are honest with your partner... you can find a match like this. Avoid the honeymoon period where you never talk about the hard issues and ignore the baggage. Go RIGHT TO the baggage and do your best to tear down the connection immediately. Then, at least you know. Talya and I did that. All my baggage is FRONT AND CENTER. Be painfully honest at the beginning and you just might find a match so boringly easy everyone else will think you're lying. It's a beautiful feeling...
...as is a blurry video that some lady says is your kid. :-)
PS - Married on 1200, Pregnant on 1210, First Video on 1220? Jesus.