Wow. After nearly
three years, I can honestly say I wasn't expecting
that. Donna finally wrote back.
Since I've found
out I was going to be a father, there has been an
intense need to tie up loose ends. Now there's not too
many thankfully, but enough that are out of my hands.
Strangely one of the "Mean Girls" is one, but the
biggest one of course has been Donna. The loose end is
simple - the moment the 2 years of marriage needed for
her greencard was passed, there was an abrupt cut-off.
I mean, we went from talking often, hanging out every
other week (even after we split) to a "never speak to
me again" message. No explanation. It was spooky
considering how much we went through together. Since
that moment almost 3 years ago, all correspondence was
"lawyerly". Taxes, signing papers... still no
explanation. It was baffling to say the least,
however...
...it was the one
thing I was certain of during my time with her:
this was never going to be like Jess or Burg.
There was no foundation of trust, we were simply two
people making choices with a completely dysfunctional
set of cards that we were dealt. The pressure of the
greencard was immense and it was only our spirit of
"we can do anything!" that made us even for a second
believe we could co-exist. I still love that. I still
find that sort of beautiful. We have absolutely no
foundation for a lasting friendship or even
acquaintance... and we knew that too. So what I've
been wanting all this time was none of those things...
I just wanted ackowledgment that I exist. Some
explanation for the abrupt cut-off when I did
nothing even remotely negative to her -
and everything positive. Sacrificed my nervous system
so she could even walk out of this house alive. She
was in such a bad state, it was such a horrible thing
to go through.
Well,
I finally got it... and to respect her wishes I'm
not posting what she wrote (even though she didn't say
it in the correspondence, I know she now looks
back on what she DID contribute to The Journey
and have second thoughts), but it was exactly the
acknowledgment I needed. She knew I gave
everything I knew how to give (and I say the same
to her) and she appreciated that. She cut-off because
she felt we would never agree, which was odd to read
because I was never trying to convince her of
anything. We spent a year together after the
split being friends with the things we did
agree on, and she seems to forget that and I think she
assumed I still wanted some connection with her or to
try and figure out "what went wrong". Uhm, not even a
little. I responded:
"There's
nothing we don't know. That's the only positive
about both of us over-analyzing every fucking
detail for two years: there's no "what-if". I'm not
sitting here wondering why it didnt work out, and
neither are you. Assured mutual destruction is all
that would have occured had we kept going. We gave
everything we knew how to give and are clearly
happier and more peaceful apart. That is something
to celebrate in my mind and I love that we got to
that place in one piece. And maybe that's something
you didn't realize about my state of mind near the
end...
I was so
scared you wouldn't survive that my only hope was
that you left me on your own two feet. It was the
most frightened I've ever been and every decision
was excruciating. And now? I just want you to be
happy and I'm certain there is no happiness with us
trying to maintain a relationship. I knew early on
in our relationship how you processed past friends
and even past art: you washed them away. It is a
beautiful way to live and I respect your ability to
do that and have zero judgment for it. I really,
really don't. Please don't confuse my way of
processing life (basically the polar fucking
opposite - hahahaha) as a judgment against you at
all. We're all beautiful creatures trying to get by
and we do what works for us. How we had the
balls/ovum to try and fit together knowing how
different we were is a testament to our strength
and spirit. I'm proud of those two idiots from
September 2006. LOL.
I ended
with:
"I also want
you to know that if we ever bump into each other in
this tiny town, there will be a smile, a nod, and
nothing more... but there will always be a smile.
We made it through. That's beautiful to me.
Always."
She replied with a
"smile and a nod" and there you have it. To me? That's
a beautiful story. As I said in the response, I
am absolutely proud of those two idiots from September
2006. Hahaha. It's such a perfect descriptor of what
we were. We knew immediately we were wayyyyy
too different... but were open-minded enough to go for
it. Yes, we "went for it" and sure, found out our
initial instincts were right in the end, but what fun
would it be if we never jumped? I know people judge
these things as failures, but when no one lies? When
no one cheats? When no one betrays? When everyone is
just honest? Yeah, I don't see it that way. We
both gave everything and now if we run into each
other, we can give a loving smile and a knowing nod
and go about our lives. Lives that are guaranteed to
be happier and more peaceful than we were together. We
don't even have to know the particulars to know that.
We never even asked. :-) Seriously, certain levels of
hell are bound to be more peaceful than our 2 years
together. Ha.
Donna, you will
always be a beautiful chapter in my life and a
fascinating story about how two people believed
against all odds. They were just very, very wrong.
LOL.
