entry locked until 04.01.12
10:55 AM, Sunday, March 4th, 2012:
Wow. After nearly three years, I can honestly say I wasn't expecting that. Donna finally wrote back.
Since I've found out I was going to be a father, there has been an intense need to tie up loose ends. Now there's not too many thankfully, but enough that are out of my hands. Strangely one of the "Mean Girls" is one, but the biggest one of course has been Donna. The loose end is simple - the moment the 2 years of marriage needed for her greencard was passed, there was an abrupt cut-off. I mean, we went from talking often, hanging out every other week (even after we split) to a "never speak to me again" message. No explanation. It was spooky considering how much we went through together. Since that moment almost 3 years ago, all correspondence was "lawyerly". Taxes, signing papers... still no explanation. It was baffling to say the least, however...
...it was the one thing I was certain of during my time with her: this was never going to be like Jess or Burg. There was no foundation of trust, we were simply two people making choices with a completely dysfunctional set of cards that we were dealt. The pressure of the greencard was immense and it was only our spirit of "we can do anything!" that made us even for a second believe we could co-exist. I still love that. I still find that sort of beautiful. We have absolutely no foundation for a lasting friendship or even acquaintance... and we knew that too. So what I've been wanting all this time was none of those things... I just wanted ackowledgment that I exist. Some explanation for the abrupt cut-off when I did nothing even remotely negative to her - and everything positive. Sacrificed my nervous system so she could even walk out of this house alive. She was in such a bad state, it was such a horrible thing to go through.
Well, I finally got it... and to respect her wishes I'm not posting what she wrote (even though she didn't say it in the correspondence, I know she now looks back on what she DID contribute to The Journey and have second thoughts), but it was exactly the acknowledgment I needed. She knew I gave everything I knew how to give (and I say the same to her) and she appreciated that. She cut-off because she felt we would never agree, which was odd to read because I was never trying to convince her of anything. We spent a year together after the split being friends with the things we did agree on, and she seems to forget that and I think she assumed I still wanted some connection with her or to try and figure out "what went wrong". Uhm, not even a little. I responded:
"There's nothing we don't know. That's the only positive about both of us over-analyzing every fucking detail for two years: there's no "what-if". I'm not sitting here wondering why it didnt work out, and neither are you. Assured mutual destruction is all that would have occured had we kept going. We gave everything we knew how to give and are clearly happier and more peaceful apart. That is something to celebrate in my mind and I love that we got to that place in one piece. And maybe that's something you didn't realize about my state of mind near the end...
I was so scared you wouldn't survive that my only hope was that you left me on your own two feet. It was the most frightened I've ever been and every decision was excruciating. And now? I just want you to be happy and I'm certain there is no happiness with us trying to maintain a relationship. I knew early on in our relationship how you processed past friends and even past art: you washed them away. It is a beautiful way to live and I respect your ability to do that and have zero judgment for it. I really, really don't. Please don't confuse my way of processing life (basically the polar fucking opposite - hahahaha) as a judgment against you at all. We're all beautiful creatures trying to get by and we do what works for us. How we had the balls/ovum to try and fit together knowing how different we were is a testament to our strength and spirit. I'm proud of those two idiots from September 2006. LOL.
I ended with:
"I also want you to know that if we ever bump into each other in this tiny town, there will be a smile, a nod, and nothing more... but there will always be a smile. We made it through. That's beautiful to me. Always."
She replied with a "smile and a nod" and there you have it. To me? That's a beautiful story. As I said in the response, I am absolutely proud of those two idiots from September 2006. Hahaha. It's such a perfect descriptor of what we were. We knew immediately we were wayyyyy too different... but were open-minded enough to go for it. Yes, we "went for it" and sure, found out our initial instincts were right in the end, but what fun would it be if we never jumped? I know people judge these things as failures, but when no one lies? When no one cheats? When no one betrays? When everyone is just honest? Yeah, I don't see it that way. We both gave everything and now if we run into each other, we can give a loving smile and a knowing nod and go about our lives. Lives that are guaranteed to be happier and more peaceful than we were together. We don't even have to know the particulars to know that. We never even asked. :-) Seriously, certain levels of hell are bound to be more peaceful than our 2 years together. Ha.
Donna, you will always be a beautiful chapter in my life and a fascinating story about how two people believed against all odds. They were just very, very wrong. LOL.