Wow, how have
I gone two weeks without writing this entry?
Something I can say I've legitimately dreamed about
for over 20 years, is finally happening and for two
weeks it has sunk in: I'm going to have everything
I dreamed of. Everything I thought I
sacrificed? Is now surrounding me... AND? I'm still in
this city. I'm still scheming. Granted, with about 1/3
of the ambition but what good did that do me, really?
In the end it's about talent and timing so being here
means I still have opportunities. Having a family in
Ohio would've been the death of me.
How did this
happen? How do I have an unbelievable wife? Who I'm in
love with like I thought was NEVER going to be
possible at my age and experience? How do I have a
house and a basketball hoop? LOL. And dogs? And a
family out here? What? How did this happen? Let me get
to the video...
Man. I don't
care what anyone thinks about my career... I am
so proud of The Journey. It's so goddamn hard to
capture these moments with the right tone and when you
pull it off? It's the most precious thing in the
world. I cannot wait for my kid to discover some
of these videos. For him or her to understand and
appreciate just how badly they were wanted, just how
much they will be loved and how happy they have made
me. Guys, I am happier than I ever imagined
possible. It's exactly as I said it in my
vows:
"I had
accepted that this type of happiness had passed me by.
In
reality what passed by... created the most
appreciative man alive."
I've never written
truer words. I just want to SCREAM from the
mountaintops to everyone: "HOLD ON!!!!" The bad
times are just a foundation for the next building!!!
You need a foundation!!!
I think that's why
I adore the "mean girls" subplot in our lives. They
represent negative energy that I always think is a few
hugs away from positivity. The more they try to tear
us down, the more they inadvertantly READ these
entries. They subconsciously feel happiness. Somewhere
in their souls they have to think that just maybe I
actually am happy and they're not. Much in the
same way their initial persistence made me
think: "Oh wait, jesus, maybe I AM faking
everything!?!?". It's human nature to doubt yourself.
So I keep writing. I keep sharing. For some reason I
believe there will be a breakthrough. Maybe it's when
they see what type of husband and father I am? I
just believe that everyone,
somewhere,
can be reached.
The mean/angry/hateful people in the world have
moments of doubt too, and watching someone love in the
face of hate forever has to give them pause. Because
in the end, we all want to be happy, right? Well,
I am a romantic. I'm probably completely wrong
here. LOL. I've always believed too much in
people.
But damnit! This
is about having a kid and what the past 2 weeks have
been like for me! Man, they've been nonstop. I think
about it alllllllll day. Of course Talya is dealing
with intense nausea 24-7 so I'm inadvertantly reminded
of exactly WHAT I DID TO HER. LOL.
She's been pretty sweet throughout it all, but nothing
seems to be working, and I just pray this
subsides in the 2nd trimester. I've heard varying
reports on all that.
Oh and, jesus - am
I just reading too much or are miscarriages more
common than deliveries?!?! It seems like a complete
flip of a coin whether you'll keep the pregnancy, yet
crack whores have babies. What? I have a
difficult time believing that Talya can't have that
cup of coffee. How did people have babies before the
internet? We finally stopped reading and just did the
obvious thing and put the heroin in storage for a few
months. :-)
I guess, more
than anything, what has been in my mind is that letter
I wrote to "Mid-September 2010" Adam last year. It
bears rereading now:
The entry before
our wedding I wrote a letter to myself. It bears
rereading:
Dear
"Mid-September 2010" Adam,
Telling you
it's going to get better won't appeal to you.
That's what everyone says. It also tends to make
people in a deep depression focus on when as
opposed to how. So I'm going to tell you the
unadulterated truth which is your absolute key for
life. It's your key for life because of who you are
and may not be true for everyone (which is why this
key will never sell a book). Here
goes...
What you're
feeling right now is real and legitimate. The first
half of 2010 was torture and it came after a career
letdown that is only topped by your other career
letdowns. You are 100% isolated. Anyone who cares
about you or loves you has left you or lives on the
other side of the country. You are in danger. I'm
not going to tell you that "it" gets better. I'm
going to tell you the truth: You need
this.
I'm not going
to tell you that you were somehow irresponsible
with your relationships before, if anything you
were incredibly self-aware and considerate... but
they came to you very easy. You always had options
and because of that? Your risks were always
tempered with eventual reward. You let Jess go out
of love, but you knew you wouldn't be alone
forever. That freedom allowed you to make the right
decision then, but it was to your own detriment.
The constant belief that something will come along
has decimated your ability to do what is right for
you. And now, you are here. Completely isolated,
completely alone and 100% self-centered. And
contrary to popular belief, you hate that. What's
happening now however, is magic.
Yes, magic. You
are imprinting into your being a type of muscle
memory that will turn you into the most
appreciative person on the planet. Because things
have come so easily for you, you always counted on
"being ok" and never cared for you. You don't know
it now, but this low-point... this suicidal
low-point... is your new starting point. You will
look back on this moment as a monumental shift in
your life. The moment where you focused all your
attention on finding loving, supporting people. It
won't happen right away, but even that misstep will
help you. Because it's what is occuring in your
soul right now that matters. You are having a
near-death experience. You even saw a scratchy cell
phone video of your lifeless body being dragged
around after an apparent overdose. That vision,
these moments - are the most important moments in
your life. They create the Adam you'll be for the
rest of your life: happy. The sun will look
different because you appreciate being able to see
it. Your life will be one celebration after the
next because you're here to celebrate it. That
positivity won't come from brainwashing (which
you've never been able to do), it will come from
experience and maturity. Every single day in 2011
is going to feel like the first time you've ever
felt it. You will be stunned at how young you feel
and how happy you are...
...and it all
happens because of this depression. The
hopelessness you feel right this moment is what
makes everything else even possible. You were
blessed with the ability to feel things on a more
intense level than most and turn it into art.
Wait'll you see. Just wait until you see where that
leads you. She, is, your passion... she is your
equal. You will make babies.
Love,
Yourself
Now of course 2010
is coming into complete focus. I have this
intense need to revisit it and put closure on it. An
intense need to tie up loose ends. Thankfully there's
hardly any. I'm so lucky. I'm so fortunate. I
can barely process how wonderful things are... so I'll
just focus on the circle and the square, and come to
terms with those twin girls.
