entry and video locked until 04.01.12
5:13 AM, Thursday, February 16th, 2012:
Wow, how have I gone two weeks without writing this entry? Something I can say I've legitimately dreamed about for over 20 years, is finally happening and for two weeks it has sunk in: I'm going to have everything I dreamed of. Everything I thought I sacrificed? Is now surrounding me... AND? I'm still in this city. I'm still scheming. Granted, with about 1/3 of the ambition but what good did that do me, really? In the end it's about talent and timing so being here means I still have opportunities. Having a family in Ohio would've been the death of me.
How did this happen? How do I have an unbelievable wife? Who I'm in love with like I thought was NEVER going to be possible at my age and experience? How do I have a house and a basketball hoop? LOL. And dogs? And a family out here? What? How did this happen? Let me get to the video...
Man. I don't care what anyone thinks about my career... I am so proud of The Journey. It's so goddamn hard to capture these moments with the right tone and when you pull it off? It's the most precious thing in the world. I cannot wait for my kid to discover some of these videos. For him or her to understand and appreciate just how badly they were wanted, just how much they will be loved and how happy they have made me. Guys, I am happier than I ever imagined possible. It's exactly as I said it in my vows:
"I had accepted that this type of happiness had passed me by.
In reality what passed by... created the most appreciative man alive."
I've never written truer words. I just want to SCREAM from the mountaintops to everyone: "HOLD ON!!!!" The bad times are just a foundation for the next building!!! You need a foundation!!!
I think that's why I adore the "mean girls" subplot in our lives. They represent negative energy that I always think is a few hugs away from positivity. The more they try to tear us down, the more they inadvertantly READ these entries. They subconsciously feel happiness. Somewhere in their souls they have to think that just maybe I actually am happy and they're not. Much in the same way their initial persistence made me think: "Oh wait, jesus, maybe I AM faking everything!?!?". It's human nature to doubt yourself. So I keep writing. I keep sharing. For some reason I believe there will be a breakthrough. Maybe it's when they see what type of husband and father I am? I just believe that everyone, somewhere, can be reached. The mean/angry/hateful people in the world have moments of doubt too, and watching someone love in the face of hate forever has to give them pause. Because in the end, we all want to be happy, right? Well, I am a romantic. I'm probably completely wrong here. LOL. I've always believed too much in people.
But damnit! This is about having a kid and what the past 2 weeks have been like for me! Man, they've been nonstop. I think about it alllllllll day. Of course Talya is dealing with intense nausea 24-7 so I'm inadvertantly reminded of exactly WHAT I DID TO HER. LOL. She's been pretty sweet throughout it all, but nothing seems to be working, and I just pray this subsides in the 2nd trimester. I've heard varying reports on all that.
Oh and, jesus - am I just reading too much or are miscarriages more common than deliveries?!?! It seems like a complete flip of a coin whether you'll keep the pregnancy, yet crack whores have babies. What? I have a difficult time believing that Talya can't have that cup of coffee. How did people have babies before the internet? We finally stopped reading and just did the obvious thing and put the heroin in storage for a few months. :-)
I guess, more than anything, what has been in my mind is that letter I wrote to "Mid-September 2010" Adam last year. It bears rereading now:
The entry before our wedding I wrote a letter to myself. It bears rereading:
Dear "Mid-September 2010" Adam,
Telling you it's going to get better won't appeal to you. That's what everyone says. It also tends to make people in a deep depression focus on when as opposed to how. So I'm going to tell you the unadulterated truth which is your absolute key for life. It's your key for life because of who you are and may not be true for everyone (which is why this key will never sell a book). Here goes...
What you're feeling right now is real and legitimate. The first half of 2010 was torture and it came after a career letdown that is only topped by your other career letdowns. You are 100% isolated. Anyone who cares about you or loves you has left you or lives on the other side of the country. You are in danger. I'm not going to tell you that "it" gets better. I'm going to tell you the truth: You need this.
I'm not going to tell you that you were somehow irresponsible with your relationships before, if anything you were incredibly self-aware and considerate... but they came to you very easy. You always had options and because of that? Your risks were always tempered with eventual reward. You let Jess go out of love, but you knew you wouldn't be alone forever. That freedom allowed you to make the right decision then, but it was to your own detriment. The constant belief that something will come along has decimated your ability to do what is right for you. And now, you are here. Completely isolated, completely alone and 100% self-centered. And contrary to popular belief, you hate that. What's happening now however, is magic.
Yes, magic. You are imprinting into your being a type of muscle memory that will turn you into the most appreciative person on the planet. Because things have come so easily for you, you always counted on "being ok" and never cared for you. You don't know it now, but this low-point... this suicidal low-point... is your new starting point. You will look back on this moment as a monumental shift in your life. The moment where you focused all your attention on finding loving, supporting people. It won't happen right away, but even that misstep will help you. Because it's what is occuring in your soul right now that matters. You are having a near-death experience. You even saw a scratchy cell phone video of your lifeless body being dragged around after an apparent overdose. That vision, these moments - are the most important moments in your life. They create the Adam you'll be for the rest of your life: happy. The sun will look different because you appreciate being able to see it. Your life will be one celebration after the next because you're here to celebrate it. That positivity won't come from brainwashing (which you've never been able to do), it will come from experience and maturity. Every single day in 2011 is going to feel like the first time you've ever felt it. You will be stunned at how young you feel and how happy you are...
...and it all happens because of this depression. The hopelessness you feel right this moment is what makes everything else even possible. You were blessed with the ability to feel things on a more intense level than most and turn it into art. Wait'll you see. Just wait until you see where that leads you. She, is, your passion... she is your equal. You will make babies.
Now of course 2010 is coming into complete focus. I have this intense need to revisit it and put closure on it. An intense need to tie up loose ends. Thankfully there's hardly any. I'm so lucky. I'm so fortunate. I can barely process how wonderful things are... so I'll just focus on the circle and the square, and come to terms with those twin girls.