Thoughts of the
lowest point of my life 15 months ago have been
swirling in my head today. I'm so happy I can barely
contain it. My family is here, meeting my new family.
I have more love and support around me than any (and
I do mean any) time in my entire life. It is a
complete reversal of where I was in early
September 2010. So often this Journey deals with
different hats, different times, different
characters... and I can't help but see me that way.
2000 Adam, 2010 Adam, etc. I feel the need to write to
the man who was already having the worst year of his
life, and then his mentor died... and then his dog
died when he was at his mentor's funeral... and he
started making final calls to people that were too
busy to even listen.
"Mid-September 2010" Adam,
it's going to get better won't appeal to you.
That's what everyone says. It also tends to make
people in a deep depression focus on when as
opposed to how. So I'm going to tell you the
unadulterated truth which is your absolute key for
life. It's your key for life because of who
you are and may not be true for everyone (which is
why this key will never sell a book). Here
feeling right now is real and legitimate. The first
half of 2010 was torture and it came after a career
letdown that is only topped by your other
career letdowns. You are 100% isolated. Anyone who
cares about you or loves you has left you or lives
on the other side of the country. You are in
danger. I'm not going to tell you that
"it" gets better. I'm going to tell you the
truth: You need this.
I'm not going
to tell you that you were somehow irresponsible
with your relationships before, if anything you
were incredibly self-aware and considerate... but
they came to you very easy. You always had options
and because of that? Your risks were always
tempered with eventual reward. You let Jess go out
of love, but you knew you wouldn't be alone
forever. That freedom allowed you to make the right
decision then, but it was to your own detriment.
The constant belief that something will come along
has decimated your ability to do what is right for
you. And now, you are here. Completely
isolated, completely alone and 100% self-centered.
And contrary to popular belief, you hate that.
What's happening now however, is magic.
Yes, magic. You
are imprinting into your being a type of muscle
memory that will turn you into the most
appreciative person on the planet. Because things
have come so easily for you, you always counted on
"being ok" and never cared for you. You
don't know it now, but this low-point... this
suicidal low-point... is your new starting point.
You will look back on this moment as a
monumental shift in your life. The moment
where you focused all your attention on finding
loving, supporting people. It won't happen right
away, but even that misstep will help you. Because
it's what is occuring in your soul right now
that matters. You are having a near-death
experience. You even saw a scratchy cell phone
video of your lifeless body being dragged around
after an apparent overdose. That vision, these
moments - are the most important moments in your
life. They create the Adam you'll be for the rest
of your life: happy. The sun will look different
because you appreciate being able to see it.
Your life will be one celebration after the next
because you're here to celebrate it. That
positivity won't come from brainwashing (which
you've never been able to do), it will come from
experience and maturity. Every single day in 2011
is going to feel like the first time you've
ever felt it. You will be stunned at how young you
feel and how happy you are...
...and it all
happens because of this depression. The
hopelessness you feel right this moment is what
makes everything else even possible. You were
blessed with the ability to feel things on a more
intense level than most and turn it into art.
Wait'll you see. Just wait until you see where that
leads you. She, is, your passion... she is your
equal. You will make babies.
That might be the
most personal thing I've ever put on this site. Only
now is it occuring to me that that is housed inside an
entry and that it will be public. I don't really have
anything to lose so I guess I don't care, but
understand that that letter is not for public
consumption. I've simply gotten to the point where my
therapy are these entries and it just doesn't work
anywhere else. I'm so fortunate.
I'm pulling a
repost (something I hate to do but considering
the next entry will have three 15-minute videos, bite
me) because it's the first song I wrote for Talya and
it started the year of my life. It also plays so
prominently in the events tomorrow. It was the moment
I believed. It's the moment I healed.