7:08 AM, Tuesday, December 27th, 2011:
Thoughts of the lowest point of my life 15 months ago have been swirling in my head today. I'm so happy I can barely contain it. My family is here, meeting my new family. I have more love and support around me than any (and I do mean any) time in my entire life. It is a complete reversal of where I was in early September 2010. So often this Journey deals with different hats, different times, different characters... and I can't help but see me that way. 2000 Adam, 2010 Adam, etc. I feel the need to write to the man who was already having the worst year of his life, and then his mentor died... and then his dog died when he was at his mentor's funeral... and he started making final calls to people that were too busy to even listen.
Dear "Mid-September 2010" Adam,
Telling you it's going to get better won't appeal to you. That's what everyone says. It also tends to make people in a deep depression focus on when as opposed to how. So I'm going to tell you the unadulterated truth which is your absolute key for life. It's your key for life because of who you are and may not be true for everyone (which is why this key will never sell a book). Here goes...
What you're feeling right now is real and legitimate. The first half of 2010 was torture and it came after a career letdown that is only topped by your other career letdowns. You are 100% isolated. Anyone who cares about you or loves you has left you or lives on the other side of the country. You are in danger. I'm not going to tell you that "it" gets better. I'm going to tell you the truth: You need this.
I'm not going to tell you that you were somehow irresponsible with your relationships before, if anything you were incredibly self-aware and considerate... but they came to you very easy. You always had options and because of that? Your risks were always tempered with eventual reward. You let Jess go out of love, but you knew you wouldn't be alone forever. That freedom allowed you to make the right decision then, but it was to your own detriment. The constant belief that something will come along has decimated your ability to do what is right for you. And now, you are here. Completely isolated, completely alone and 100% self-centered. And contrary to popular belief, you hate that. What's happening now however, is magic.
Yes, magic. You are imprinting into your being a type of muscle memory that will turn you into the most appreciative person on the planet. Because things have come so easily for you, you always counted on "being ok" and never cared for you. You don't know it now, but this low-point... this suicidal low-point... is your new starting point. You will look back on this moment as a monumental shift in your life. The moment where you focused all your attention on finding loving, supporting people. It won't happen right away, but even that misstep will help you. Because it's what is occuring in your soul right now that matters. You are having a near-death experience. You even saw a scratchy cell phone video of your lifeless body being dragged around after an apparent overdose. That vision, these moments - are the most important moments in your life. They create the Adam you'll be for the rest of your life: happy. The sun will look different because you appreciate being able to see it. Your life will be one celebration after the next because you're here to celebrate it. That positivity won't come from brainwashing (which you've never been able to do), it will come from experience and maturity. Every single day in 2011 is going to feel like the first time you've ever felt it. You will be stunned at how young you feel and how happy you are...
...and it all happens because of this depression. The hopelessness you feel right this moment is what makes everything else even possible. You were blessed with the ability to feel things on a more intense level than most and turn it into art. Wait'll you see. Just wait until you see where that leads you. She, is, your passion... she is your equal. You will make babies.
That might be the most personal thing I've ever put on this site. Only now is it occuring to me that that is housed inside an entry and that it will be public. I don't really have anything to lose so I guess I don't care, but understand that that letter is not for public consumption. I've simply gotten to the point where my therapy are these entries and it just doesn't work anywhere else. I'm so fortunate.
I'm pulling a repost (something I hate to do but considering the next entry will have three 15-minute videos, bite me) because it's the first song I wrote for Talya and it started the year of my life. It also plays so prominently in the events tomorrow. It was the moment I believed. It's the moment I healed.
Tomorrow is going to be amazing.