This is a very
touchy entry for me to write and one that may just
have to be locked 'cause I'm unsure how it will be
taken. I know I'm sincere, I know I'm appreciateve...
but it may come off as I'm taking advantage or I'm
gloating. I'll try my best.
Money changes
everything.
I have lived
35 years of my life knowing I would never have
any. Thankfully? I didn't really give a shit.
I always found a way to have the tools
I needed to create what I wanted. And, well,
having sex is a lot more fun than going on lavish
trips or buying lavish toys. See? That's why poor
people have so many babies. Ha.
ANYWAY, my entire
life is saving for a rainy day. Always has has been.
This house that I labor over? It's the only
"retirement" I'll ever have. With my "odd jobs"
career of doing what I can to get by while giving
myself more time to work on my projects will never
provide a retirement, so this house, and renting it
out in the future once it's paid off? Will be a huge
income to me. That was my security, and that was my
way of being responsible. I was fortunate to have
the house, and making BOTH mortgages each month was
the only priority.
When I met
Talya I knew she had a different upbringing. At
no time did I fault her for it, but
I certainly expressed to her how any life with
me, wasn't gonna be like that. Her world and my world
would never meet. She grew up riding horses and I grew
up playing make believe in the backyard. Again,
I don't begrudge her that childhood, it was
fantastic, it just wasn't one I could
afford. And I do need to make this clear - I have
never begrudged ANYone with a wealthy background.
Paris Hilton? Great life. Lucky woman. Would be nice
to not have to think about money. I'm not angry with
her, I'm not angry with the Kardashians because all
they're famous for is being famous and I have a
fuckton more talent and am not. That's just the way
the world works, and I LOVE my life. I
LOVE the art I make, the stories told.
I don't understand why people get so angry with
rich people for being rich. It takes a lot of time to
be rich. A lot. My perfect day is spending it with
Talya, making a great video and entry, uploading it,
and then watching TV with her in bed as we go to
sleep. If I was a billionaire, that wouldn't
change. So those "rich" people? They just look busy to
me. Fuck that, I'd rather be happy.
Talya obviously
understood that and the more time I spent with
her and her mother, I understood that although
they are from a different world? They feel the same.
They understand the value of money and hard work and
take care of each other with far more than money. But,
it's there... and it makes a difference.
I would talk to
Talya about her life and she never went through the
"no safety net" hardships I went through with
Jess when we first came out here. Or especially after
when she left. Although Talya did work, lived on her
own and paid her own bills? Her family would catch her
in an instant. A meal here and there, those little
things that you stop doing for yourself when you have
nothing - well you never go without that when you have
a supportive family around. And Talya was a more
peaceful mellow person because of it. She would hear
my stories and just shake her head. And how fortunate
she is to never, ever, ever know what that feels like.
You can say it builds character all you want to
struggle financially like that? But it's also
miserable. Isolating. Painful.
I've now spent
2011 with her and her mother and been part of how
their lives have been. I've now been able to
experience those meals that I could never afford
(though I still try to split the meal with Talya
to save money). Point being I'm within this rhythm.
This relationship with money that isn't stressful, and
I have to tell you... it changes everything. I
didn't realize it at first, but over the past few
months? When I go to sleep? I smile. I'm at ease.
I feel a sense of freedom that I have never known.
I mean, at 30 I was stressing about my retirement
because I knew that as an artist, I wasn't
gonna have one. This house was it. I put a 30 year
fixed on it and saved EVERYTHING. Now? Both Talya and
I will be taken care of in our old age. That's more
than a given. All focus goes to the next younger
generation and taking care of them. Of stretching the
nest egg as far as possible and building up the
reserves for a baby so both Talya and I can stay
home the first year to help out. I can make money
at home, so that should work out perfectly. It's a
complete shift in everything life has meant to me for
35 years. The constant struggle and wonder how I'm
gonna make it through the next month. I'm now afforded
time to spend with Talya and her family and therein
lies so much of the happiness of this year:
TIME.
That is what money
means to me: TIME. It doesn't mean things, it
doesn't mean power... it means the freedom to spend as
much time as I can with good, positive people and
try and influence their lives in a positive way as
much as I can. It means writing songs for Talya
and dreaming of a family... hell it MEANS a family. It
means enjoying every second of having a family not
stressing about shoes and food... it just means
unbridled happiness. 'Cause I've already found the
keys to happiness (which don't involve money), but
it's always been the time to appreciate them (which
does involve money). I feel like I had 35 years to
learn my life lessons, have them beat my ASS to the
ground just enough that I don't take one second
for granted, one PENNY for granted... it's amazing.
It's absolutely amazing...
...but I'm not
gonna be that asshole who acts like the change I'm
going through isn't a big deal. My life is incredibly
different now. My outlook is incredibly different.
Talya and I are looking into places to volunteer,
places we can help... I mean, I feel like I
suddenly "have" and want to help the "have nots". I
don't have to worry about my retirement, we're gonna
be fine - so maybe I can help some other people
with my time and effort. I've built the world with
these two hands, and now I can help others. So
believe me, it changes everything and it is a big
reason I'm as relaxed and happy as I am. I felt
like I was lying to The Journey by never writing
about it. But now, with this video, I can mark the
shift in my life where I knew I would be ok.
It's a beautiful moment for me.
