10:53 PM, Sunday, June 5th, 2011:
Jesus Christ what a week.
Talya and I aren't too accustomed to these in our relationship. Our time together has been defined by utter peace and calm and we're now dealing with two remarkably dramatic situations (one legitimate between family and locked - the other, you all know far too well). Unfortunately the stupid one continues to eat at us even though we act like it's no big deal anymore because it truly is so black and white.
For me, and probably eventually for Talya, the problem is simple: The Journey. It is a wide open gateway to havoc if in the hands of someone who wants to hurt you. And as long as it stays public? It always will be. That's a pretty heavy price to pay. Especially considering the only people that would ever go back that far? Are usually looking for something. And I'm happy to make it colorful and easy to skim. (sigh). Does this ever end? This latest event is certainly giving me pause.
I can handle it, but when it hurts people I love? I'm incredibly conflicted. Now I know, logic tells you that The Journey didn't hurt anyone, the snake spitting venom at your loved one did... but The Journey did supply the ammunition. Or look at it like this, we're all adults in this situation. What happens when I have children? And they go to school, and kids google their name? How's that for a nightmare? So my kid has to take shit for whatever an 8 year old deems is worthy to pick out of my past and throw in his/her face? Jesus, how the hell do real celebrities do it? Do Eddie Murphy's kids deal with tranny jokes? Are sins of the father that painful? Here, I'll save them the trouble:
I mentioned this to my mom and she said "It was fashionable at the time". She forgot to end that sentence with "...for boys whose mothers desperately wanted a girl". That is bar-none the most effiminate outfit I have ever seen a pre-pubescent child in and that child is ME. What the fuck. And I don't mean dressing up as a girl on halloween (oh wait, I did that TOO) I mean, this was my normal, daily, fucking outfit. Short shorts, a half-shirt, knee high socks... I'm describing a hot chick on spring break, right? Nope. Me at 10. And you know, I remember "the times", I remember the 80s, in fact we can all still look at movies, tv shows and PICTURES from the 80s and there's nothing about that outfit that seems "decade-appropriate". I mean, maybe individually? Like, you wear those socks if you're playing soccer, you wear those shorts if, uhm, you're a boy going to a NAMBLA meeting, and you have that shirt and MULLET... fuck it, no. That was child abuse. Ha.
Anyway, the surrealness of everything is that I'm not kidding when I say I'm not embarrassed by what's in the entries. Not because I'm proud of everything, but I know it's who I was at the time and because anyone can ask me about it and I have no problem talking with them. But never speak to me? And skip around picking out bits and pieces to boot? It's, as I said, a goddamned field of land mines. Because I don't spin shit. There are absolutely entries where I think I come off as an asshole. No doubt. It's why all of this drama was so telling about their character - it never occurred to them that I don't mind the egg on my face. Clearly they do and avoid it all costs, so they assume I'm doing the same thing. If you don't understand that single fact? I become an instant asshole. Because most people would take down the entries that no longer define them? People assume they must still represent me because they're still up. It's the only reason why the moniker "world's first and longest running" is impressive, specifically for a personal video blog. People take this shit down. They take down their Facebook pics, they update their status... it's always a living document of the moment and can easily be suited to who you are right then.
I don't really know what to do. If I'm to spend the rest of my life with someone, they will now have to answer for me, because I've chosen to air my dirty laundry. That breaks my heart. It is a burden. It is a lot to ask, and if it can come this strongly from friends? What about enemies? I can't sit and watch Talya cry too much longer before I'm in an incredibly tough place. And goddamnit you want to know what she cried about drama queens? You made fun of someone she loves. You were mean to someone she cares about. You talked about us badly behind our backs at the same time we were driving home smiling that we took the time to get out of bed to come to your party or show support by going to your show. We felt like we were being good friends and building bonds, and never once did either of you (still) pick up a phone. You posted back and forth jokes about my attire on your pages, and she gently cried about it. Seriously, fuck you for that. I want to think that we'll both be stronger in the future, but if not for The Journey (which had been read incessantly by them from the moment we met), we wouldn't have to be. I feel responsible...
...and now? I get to make a MOVIE about it! (sigh) Fucking fuck the timing couldn't be worse. I want to hide The Journey right now, not flaunt it. So the next hundred hours of editing for the show on the 26th (that I've put off so long there won't even be time for a proper announcement and trailer) will be ripping open every vulnerable moment of my life and then poor Talya gets to sit through screenings and then go back to Columbus and meet all these people... What was once an exciting and happy moment now feels gut-wrenching because two selfish, and yes narcissistic people decided to pummel her with doubt. Now I'm guessing on the doubt part because she says emphatically she has no doubts about us... but come on, at the end of the day you're left staring at a page of links to over 1600 entries since 1995 and even I'm wondering, "shit, maybe there IS something I'm missing?". It's like that Chris Rock bit where he says he got pulled over and the cop was upset, for a moment he actually thought he may have stolen his own car. LMAO. If people yell loud enough, it's human nature to listen for a moment.
I'm just very sad that this has dampened how happy we have been. It's so wonderful to meet someone who you not only get along with, but everyone around you sees it... and they're happy for you. It's not fun to feel like you're fighting the world. Maybe this feeling will fade, but unfortunately because of The Journey, we are always going to feel like we have to prove something because of my past. Just a really shitty feeling.
With friends like these, right? (sigh)