I know the title
is "Random Celebrity" and that the fact that
I have 3 celebrity randoms is reason enough for
that title... but I can't pretend like you don't need
an explanation of the video NOW. And I mean,
RIGHT NOW. What. The. Fuck.
1) Smell
Memory
Might as well have
saved it for an April Fools' Day joke, if it weren't
so obviously true. You don't joke about that. Oh you
can joke about having a baby or your wife leaving or
giving it all up to go back home but this? This is
life changing. It is just one of the worst
(non-serious) moments of my life. (sigh)
Here:
It actually
happened 100% like that. And for those wondering,
I washed the underwear and then shot this. LOL. I
don't know how it didn't occur to me. The embarrassing
part is that in my single days this was completely
feasible and that was my initial confusion when
finding underwear that didn't look like Talya's.
I honestly thought: "Jesus, could it possibly be
someone's from last SUMMER?". And the other thing that
didn't immediately jump to mind is that skinny girl's
underwear is fucking dental floss. You just forget
that sometimes as a guy. Had it occurred to me,
I would've put 2 and 2 together. But, no - I
didn't and then went right into cleaning mode and
all-out SNIFFED them to see if they needed to be
washed.
AND THEN STILL DIDN'T MAKE THE CONNECTION.
Nope, took another
2 seconds and then WALLOP. I immediately knew
whose they were, and as you see in the video, I
immediately freaked out. It cannot be
unseen/unsmelled/undone. It happened. That really
happened and it will never ever ever ever be
forgotten. Of course I called my mom. And of
course she laughed and laughed and laughed. Told her
boyfriend and they both laughed and laughed. She
said: "Yeah, you might want to keep THAT to
yourself" which I agreed...
...but part of me
thought it was kind of funny and made for a cute
little video blog. So, there you have it. I didn't
think it deserved more than a random though - so I
will move on...
2) Hamm and Tomato
on a Bagel
Mad Men has
replaced The Sopranos for me, which means there's only
one person I would be as goofy about as James
Gandolfini... and that would be this man:
It's frightening
how early into seeing him that I knew it was him.
Couldn't be more incognito. Huge glasses, full beard
and hat. I knew immediately. I was with
Talya and her mother Karen and he had parked on the
street (Mercedes) and was only 2 steps up the sidewalk
when I said: "Holy balls that's Jon Hamm".
Karen had no idea, but Talya has seen every episode so
she was right there. Now because of an
uber-rambunctious father when it comes to all things
celebrity, Talya could give a shit less. As well as
being wtih Mr. Uber-rambunctious, Karen works
at a pretty well-to-do school that all the celeb kids
go to, so it's old hat to her as well. But I think
everyone has certain people that they will
still get giggly about.
So I grabbed
Karen's iPad 2 and wrote the following
status:
"So I'm now
at panne dulce on Ventura blvd. watching Jon Hamm
eat breakfast which consists of bagels, cream
cheese and tomatoes. He also has an iPhone 4. It's
time to upgrade my phone and try this bagel
concoction because he is the coolest man I've ever
seen."
Which is totally
true. I snapped a pic and am kicking myself that
I didn't just switch it to video as it's the
easiest thing in the world to do on the new iPad.
Could've been a perfect entry. <shrugs>. Other
random bits? Had a baseball mitt in his trunk and
plays "words with friends" on his iphone. Talya
couldn't make out his screename so I couldn't
scrabble-stalk him. LMAO. Anyway, great show. Nice to
hear they nailed down Season 5 & 6... too bad
we have to wait a year for 'em.
3) Dick Van
Dead
Ever see a ghost?
I did. His name was Dick Van Patten and
I thought his ass died in the 90s. So imagine my
surprise when I saw HIM at the Starbucks Talya
and I met at. I would've taken a picture but
I didn't think
GHOSTS WOULD TURN OUT. Seriously? He
was ancient in the 70s. However since he's only 82
now? I'm aware that he was one of those guys in
the 70s. You know, the guys that were in their late
40s that just looked 60? Carroll O'Connor was the same
way. I watched the first season awhile back and
they mentioned he was FORTY-NINE. WHAT? I'm a little
over ten years away from
ARCHIE FUCKING BUNKER? Any of you who think
your life is hard right now? This was "late forties"
in the 1970s:
This is "late
forties" today...
What the fuck.
Granted, those are extreme examples - but what the
fuck? And JESUS Rob, seriously? You weren't
painfully good looking enough in your 20s? You have to
do this shit 3 years from 50? Asshole.
Anyway, Dick
wasn't dead. He had a nice pastry and some coffee and
was on his way.
4) Gavin pouty
lips
And finally Mrs.
Gwen Stefani, Gavin Rossdale the former lead singer of
Bush who is actually yet another pretty man in his 40s
who Talya and I spotted at Hugo's the other day.
I entitled this pouty lips because right as he passed
us and looked directly at Talya, she was responding to
me talking about how much I hatedd plastic
surgery on women. That it instantly made them
look older than they were. She did the pouty duck lip
thing to agree with me and Gavin looked right at her
and then at me and smiled as he walked passed. HA.
Talya had a super-crush on him back in the day. And by
back in the day I mean Tuesday. LMAO.
Funny.
5) For
BUCKS sake
Sorry Tressel, I
want you gone. I even think the rule about
selling your shit as a player being illegal is
stupid... but it's a fairly WELL KNOWN rule.
Not only did Tressel know it happened WELL in
advance, he hid it it and then lied about when he
knew. And he did it so nonchalantly that there's
NO WAY other shady shit didn't happen. If you run
a clean program? You tell your Athletic Director the
SECOND you get those emails. Now if the AD wanted
to hold off, it's somewhat out of his hands and it's a
bit murkier. But he kept it to himself, told Pryor's
mentor (whatever the fuck THAT means) and they
all hoped it would go away. Fuck that. That's dirty.
And his press conference was so dirty after that?
Stammering, "Didn't know what to do..." An
NCAA violation? Of that magnitude? One that was
already EMAILED TO YOU because it's being
INVESTIGATED? That shit is gonna come out man. Why
would you EVER hold onto that? Sorry, I'm pissed.
I'm SUPER pissed at the players that would sell their
fucking championship rings but they're KIDS. The coach
should be SPOTLESS. There are grey areas when it comes
to college sports, but there's nothing grey about
these
emails (if
that doesn't work I've hosted them on
my site -
props to my old radio station for the scoop). You just
can't read those emails and not be pissed. And the
basketball Buckeyes blowing it AGAIN in the Sweet 16?
Ugh. Moving on...
6) How do you slam
TEACHERS?
I know Fox
News is a joke. Seriously, I'm not surprised by it.
But the week that all the republicans went apeshit on
teachers? You know, those PART-TIME workers that get
summers off to boot? Was so disgusting I can
barely believe it... but you know what? Half the
country disagrees with me. Half the country thinks
they're SUCKING the country DRY. THEY are the
reason the government is broke. The teachers. Public
School teachers are the reason the government is
broke.
PUBLIC SCHOOL TEACHERS.
We had
a budget surplus. We gave out tax breaks. We started
two wars. We have a budget
deficit.
Voila. War and tax
breaks do not mix. One has to go. Period. And that
would be just to break even for the time being. To get
back to a surplus? They both have to go. Anyone who
tells you otherwise has an agenda. And the
republican's ability to get the middle class to rally
AGAINST their own class is fucking political
brilliance beyond my comprehension. Even those making
$100,000+ who are "conservative" and want to get rid
of those leachers SUCKING AWAY their tax
dollars. LMAO. Any idea how much corporate loopholes
fuck us all out of money? Why do people ignore the
lionshare? Why do people get so angry about WELFARE
RECIPIENTS and then shop at WALMART? You're ALL.
SHEEP. Those with 90% of the wealth are making the
other 10% fight amongst themselves while they
LAUGH AT ALL OF US. Health care?
You think your money is wasted on
HEALTH CARE?
(sigh)
7) Obama's
Bosnia
Last political
point here - Libya is Bosnia. Bosnia is Libya. There's
no difference. There was a pending genocide that we
could actually help stop. Clinton's biggest regret was
not acting soon enough when it came to Bosnia in the
90s. Yes, of course there are other genocides going
on, there are other atrocities but we can't police the
entire world. This was a situation where we had the
opportunity, and it has so far played out exactly as
planned. If we're still there in a year? I will be the
first to bitch. But this is playing out exactly like
Bosnia and NOBODY said SHIT to Clinton about it. Why
all the flack on the black man? Hmmm. Impeachment?
Really? Please. Get that going. Waste your time on
that. Oh and continue to back busting up all the
unions. Brilliant. Oh and shutdown the government.
<rolling eyes> Oh and yeah, follow the tea
party. They're the pulse of the nation.
WHAT THE FUCK.
I WANT A STRONG conservative
candidate. PLEASE. I wan't a
PRAGMATIC republican. PLEASE. Obama's greatest
strength is how fucking pragmatic he is - can we
please get the same thing on the other side so we can
GET MORE SHIT DONE? I swear to
fuck, government is a giant game of tic-tac-toe and we
get sucked in EVERYTIME thinking there's a way to
win.
8) LeeLoo -
WINNING.
So LeeLoo won her
ass right out of the yard by squeezing under the gate
like a fucking SNAKE the other day. Thankfully a
neighbor grabbed her and held onto her for a couple
hours. Poor Talya was HEARTBROKEN. I mean
I was too, but all I could think of was
Talya. It's her first puppy and, I mean come
on:
That's just
goddamned adorable right there. Anyway, the gate is
now properly secured and soon she will be unable to
squeeze under a gate. She already seems twice as big
as she was when we got her.
9) All you can eat
Sushi? Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeit.
I never tried
this before for a reason. The point of sushi is eating
light and healthy. However if you make it a
competition? Oh I'm gonna win this. And I'm gonna do
it in stunning fashion. How stunning? 23 orders of
sushi stunning. Yes, 46 pieces of fish coming in at
$92 for their all you cna eat price of $25.
Considering I usually only ever eat 4 orders (8
pieces) at one sitting? This is insane. But
I felt FINE afterwards. I was really
considering going for $100 but man, the sushi chef
looked pissed. He was annoyed when I started with
10 orders and continued being annoyed as I just
demolished any profit they could have ever made.
"YOU GO NOW.
YOU HERE FOUR HOUR" went through my
head quite a bit. They had an hour time limit though.
Bitches. And the chef kinda "went away" for a bit
near the end. Bitch. I'm now on a pretty strict diet
so my days of "beating the system" are over for
awhile... but man - it was awesome eating that much
yellowtail in one sitting. Goddamn yellowtail is
awesome. Hamachi, Hamachi, Hamachi.
Alright,
considering the length of this, 9 is enough. Damnit,
I should've just done 8. Eight is Enough was more
appropriate. But a lot of these randoms could've been
full entries. One flip of the switch on Karen's iPad
and there would've been an entire entry on Jon Hamm
alone and instead you got all this - and of course
that incredibly disturbing video. :-)
