11:10 PM, Thursday, March 31st, 2011:
I know the title is "Random Celebrity" and that the fact that I have 3 celebrity randoms is reason enough for that title... but I can't pretend like you don't need an explanation of the video NOW. And I mean, RIGHT NOW. What. The. Fuck.
1) Smell Memory
Might as well have saved it for an April Fools' Day joke, if it weren't so obviously true. You don't joke about that. Oh you can joke about having a baby or your wife leaving or giving it all up to go back home but this? This is life changing. It is just one of the worst (non-serious) moments of my life. (sigh) Here:
It actually happened 100% like that. And for those wondering, I washed the underwear and then shot this. LOL. I don't know how it didn't occur to me. The embarrassing part is that in my single days this was completely feasible and that was my initial confusion when finding underwear that didn't look like Talya's. I honestly thought: "Jesus, could it possibly be someone's from last SUMMER?". And the other thing that didn't immediately jump to mind is that skinny girl's underwear is fucking dental floss. You just forget that sometimes as a guy. Had it occurred to me, I would've put 2 and 2 together. But, no - I didn't and then went right into cleaning mode and all-out SNIFFED them to see if they needed to be washed.
Nope, took another 2 seconds and then WALLOP. I immediately knew whose they were, and as you see in the video, I immediately freaked out. It cannot be unseen/unsmelled/undone. It happened. That really happened and it will never ever ever ever be forgotten. Of course I called my mom. And of course she laughed and laughed and laughed. Told her boyfriend and they both laughed and laughed. She said:  "Yeah, you might want to keep THAT to yourself" which I agreed...
...but part of me thought it was kind of funny and made for a cute little video blog. So, there you have it. I didn't think it deserved more than a random though - so I will move on...
2) Hamm and Tomato on a Bagel
Mad Men has replaced The Sopranos for me, which means there's only one person I would be as goofy about as James Gandolfini... and that would be this man:
It's frightening how early into seeing him that I knew it was him. Couldn't be more incognito. Huge glasses, full beard and hat. I knew immediately. I was with Talya and her mother Karen and he had parked on the street (Mercedes) and was only 2 steps up the sidewalk when I said:  "Holy balls that's Jon Hamm". Karen had no idea, but Talya has seen every episode so she was right there. Now because of an uber-rambunctious father when it comes to all things celebrity, Talya could give a shit less. As well as being wtih Mr. Uber-rambunctious, Karen works at a pretty well-to-do school that all the celeb kids go to, so it's old hat to her as well. But I think everyone has certain people that they will still get giggly about.
So I grabbed Karen's iPad 2 and wrote the following status:
"So I'm now at panne dulce on Ventura blvd. watching Jon Hamm eat breakfast which consists of bagels, cream cheese and tomatoes. He also has an iPhone 4. It's time to upgrade my phone and try this bagel concoction because he is the coolest man I've ever seen."
Which is totally true. I snapped a pic and am kicking myself that I didn't just switch it to video as it's the easiest thing in the world to do on the new iPad. Could've been a perfect entry. <shrugs>. Other random bits? Had a baseball mitt in his trunk and plays "words with friends" on his iphone. Talya couldn't make out his screename so I couldn't scrabble-stalk him. LMAO. Anyway, great show. Nice to hear they nailed down Season 5 & 6... too bad we have to wait a year for 'em.
3) Dick Van Dead
Ever see a ghost? I did. His name was Dick Van Patten and I thought his ass died in the 90s. So imagine my surprise when I saw HIM at the Starbucks Talya and I met at. I would've taken a picture but I didn't think GHOSTS WOULD TURN OUT. Seriously? He was ancient in the 70s. However since he's only 82 now? I'm aware that he was one of those guys in the 70s. You know, the guys that were in their late 40s that just looked 60? Carroll O'Connor was the same way. I watched the first season awhile back and they mentioned he was FORTY-NINE. WHAT? I'm a little over ten years away from ARCHIE FUCKING BUNKER? Any of you who think your life is hard right now? This was "late forties" in the 1970s:
This is "late forties" today...
What the fuck. Granted, those are extreme examples - but what the fuck? And JESUS Rob, seriously? You weren't painfully good looking enough in your 20s? You have to do this shit 3 years from 50? Asshole.
Anyway, Dick wasn't dead. He had a nice pastry and some coffee and was on his way.
4) Gavin pouty lips
And finally Mrs. Gwen Stefani, Gavin Rossdale the former lead singer of Bush who is actually yet another pretty man in his 40s who Talya and I spotted at Hugo's the other day. I entitled this pouty lips because right as he passed us and looked directly at Talya, she was responding to me talking about how much I hatedd plastic surgery on women. That it instantly made them look older than they were. She did the pouty duck lip thing to agree with me and Gavin looked right at her and then at me and smiled as he walked passed. HA. Talya had a super-crush on him back in the day. And by back in the day I mean Tuesday. LMAO. Funny.
5) For BUCKS sake
Sorry Tressel, I want you gone. I even think the rule about selling your shit as a player being illegal is stupid... but it's a fairly WELL KNOWN rule. Not only did Tressel know it happened WELL in advance, he hid it it and then lied about when he knew. And he did it so nonchalantly that there's NO WAY other shady shit didn't happen. If you run a clean program? You tell your Athletic Director the SECOND you get those emails. Now if the AD wanted to hold off, it's somewhat out of his hands and it's a bit murkier. But he kept it to himself, told Pryor's mentor (whatever the fuck THAT means) and they all hoped it would go away. Fuck that. That's dirty. And his press conference was so dirty after that? Stammering, "Didn't know what to do..." An NCAA violation? Of that magnitude? One that was already EMAILED TO YOU because it's being INVESTIGATED? That shit is gonna come out man. Why would you EVER hold onto that? Sorry, I'm pissed. I'm SUPER pissed at the players that would sell their fucking championship rings but they're KIDS. The coach should be SPOTLESS. There are grey areas when it comes to college sports, but there's nothing grey about these emails (if that doesn't work I've hosted them on my site - props to my old radio station for the scoop). You just can't read those emails and not be pissed. And the basketball Buckeyes blowing it AGAIN in the Sweet 16? Ugh. Moving on...
6) How do you slam TEACHERS?
I know Fox News is a joke. Seriously, I'm not surprised by it. But the week that all the republicans went apeshit on teachers? You know, those PART-TIME workers that get summers off to boot? Was so disgusting I can barely believe it... but you know what? Half the country disagrees with me. Half the country thinks they're SUCKING the country DRY. THEY are the reason the government is broke. The teachers. Public School teachers are the reason the government is broke.
We had a budget surplus. We gave out tax breaks. We started two wars. We have a budget deficit.
Voila. War and tax breaks do not mix. One has to go. Period. And that would be just to break even for the time being. To get back to a surplus? They both have to go. Anyone who tells you otherwise has an agenda. And the republican's ability to get the middle class to rally AGAINST their own class is fucking political brilliance beyond my comprehension. Even those making $100,000+ who are "conservative" and want to get rid of those leachers SUCKING AWAY their tax dollars. LMAO. Any idea how much corporate loopholes fuck us all out of money? Why do people ignore the lionshare? Why do people get so angry about WELFARE RECIPIENTS and then shop at WALMART? You're ALL. SHEEP. Those with 90% of the wealth are making the other 10% fight amongst themselves while they LAUGH AT ALL OF US. Health care? You think your money is wasted on HEALTH CARE?
7) Obama's Bosnia
Last political point here - Libya is Bosnia. Bosnia is Libya. There's no difference. There was a pending genocide that we could actually help stop. Clinton's biggest regret was not acting soon enough when it came to Bosnia in the 90s. Yes, of course there are other genocides going on, there are other atrocities but we can't police the entire world. This was a situation where we had the opportunity, and it has so far played out exactly as planned. If we're still there in a year? I will be the first to bitch. But this is playing out exactly like Bosnia and NOBODY said SHIT to Clinton about it. Why all the flack on the black man? Hmmm. Impeachment? Really? Please. Get that going. Waste your time on that. Oh and continue to back busting up all the unions. Brilliant. Oh and shutdown the government. <rolling eyes> Oh and yeah, follow the tea party. They're the pulse of the nation. WHAT THE FUCK. I WANT A STRONG conservative candidate. PLEASE. I wan't a PRAGMATIC republican. PLEASE. Obama's greatest strength is how fucking pragmatic he is - can we please get the same thing on the other side so we can GET MORE SHIT DONE? I swear to fuck, government is a giant game of tic-tac-toe and we get sucked in EVERYTIME thinking there's a way to win.
8) LeeLoo - WINNING.
So LeeLoo won her ass right out of the yard by squeezing under the gate like a fucking SNAKE the other day. Thankfully a neighbor grabbed her and held onto her for a couple hours. Poor Talya was HEARTBROKEN. I mean I was too, but all I could think of was Talya. It's her first puppy and, I mean come on:
That's just goddamned adorable right there. Anyway, the gate is now properly secured and soon she will be unable to squeeze under a gate. She already seems twice as big as she was when we got her.
9) All you can eat Sushi? Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeit.
I never tried this before for a reason. The point of sushi is eating light and healthy. However if you make it a competition? Oh I'm gonna win this. And I'm gonna do it in stunning fashion. How stunning? 23 orders of sushi stunning. Yes, 46 pieces of fish coming in at $92 for their all you cna eat price of $25. Considering I usually only ever eat 4 orders (8 pieces) at one sitting? This is insane. But I felt FINE afterwards. I was really considering going for $100 but man, the sushi chef looked pissed. He was annoyed when I started with 10 orders and continued being annoyed as I just demolished any profit they could have ever made. "YOU GO NOW. YOU HERE FOUR HOUR" went through my head quite a bit. They had an hour time limit though. Bitches. And the chef kinda "went away" for a bit near the end. Bitch. I'm now on a pretty strict diet so my days of "beating the system" are over for awhile... but man - it was awesome eating that much yellowtail in one sitting. Goddamn yellowtail is awesome. Hamachi, Hamachi, Hamachi.
Alright, considering the length of this, 9 is enough. Damnit, I should've just done 8. Eight is Enough was more appropriate. But a lot of these randoms could've been full entries. One flip of the switch on Karen's iPad and there would've been an entire entry on Jon Hamm alone and instead you got all this - and of course that incredibly disturbing video. :-)
Giddy-Up. Bring on APRIL!