So nearly two
weeks pass without an entry and I can't really
make up a good reason. This happened once before in
The Journey (over 10 years ago) and at that time it
was because I was so busy with editing things for
Hollywood Screentest. Now? Utter apathy for anything
that has to do with me. It's a defining moment for
this project to say the least.
I touched on
it in the last entry, but since today marks the day
of those auditions and I spent it playing
foursquare suffice to say I am not only lost for
direction, I'm lost for the will to find said
direction. Now, as it pertains to "The X Factor", let
me just say this: after reading up all the information
from the registration forms, etc - I came to a
very simple and obvious conclusion: I'm not the next
pop star.
I'm just not.
We'll call it my "duh" factor.
It's not a lack of
belief in myself, it's not the weight of so many
failures bringing me down (though all of those may be
true)... I'm just not a pop star, folks. I don't
even want it. At 18 I wanted it. Back when
I actually thought this was an appropriate album
cover:
Yeah, those days
are over. If I had lived in Orlando at the time,
I probably could've been in a boyband as I could
sing and hop around with the best of them. Had the
lead in musicals at school, etc. But I wasn't in
any entertainment mecca, my ass was in Columbus, Ohio.
And I pretended to be as gay as the boys in
Orlando while in my room in Columbus. FYI: My
first wife Burgundie took this picture
HALF MY LIFE AGO and I'm wearing a vest
without a shrit. I'm wearing a VEST without a SHIRT.
Holy balls that's embarrassing.
I will cease
the personal flogging long enough to say that
I believe I have the look, voice and
songwriting ability to be a successful musician. But
I do not belong on "American Idol" or "The X
Factor" anymore. I do not appeal whatsoever
to a "pop" demographic. I've lived far too many lives
and speak more to people TWICE my age than HALF
my age... and goddamnit I'm actually proud of that. My
experience is a badge of honor that saves me from
wasting my time trying to achieve something
I don't even care about. The only reason
I even thought of it was because there wasn't an
age limit - and I do actually believe I belong in
the music industry... I am no longer however: popular
or mainstream when it comes to music. Catchy? Sure.
Billy Joel is catchy. At no point was he an American
Idol. Duh, I parody mainstream,
remember?
There's another
reason I'm writing this however...
I'm finally
annoyed. FINALLY. I'm finally back to where I was
a year ago (which was woefully lost, but at least
frustrated). A tiny part of me cares again.
A tiny part of me feels like I'm underachieving
and this is a fucking joke. I am extremely embarrassed
by the lack of substantive entries this year (CLEARLY
I only mean career-wise), when I've
consistently posted more entries in a MONTH than
I have in 1/4 of 2011 so far. I'm fed up and feel
the burn to bug my agent, push more contacts and get
moving again. I obviously needed these few months
to revel in the giddy-ness of a new love (which hasn't
remotely subsided), but now I'm flat-out embarrassed
by what I've become. Time to work out, get focused and
remind the new people in my life who I am. My life has
been defined by ambition so overwhelming it created an
entire universe of production. For some reason it hit
me.
I know the
reason though: my future kid. I'm not ready to tell my
kid I didn't make it. That at 35 I stopped
because I was burnt out. That I was out of
ideas, and just had him and am happy. Oh that might
still happen, but this isn't about being happy anymore
('cause I am with or without making it). No it's
about a responsibility to talents that are more than
sufficient to be working in this industry. Products
already done, shot and in the CAN that could be on
TV right this moment. It's about having made it
to where I want to be on CBS and simply trying to
find the way back. It's a feeling at the core of my
being that knows where I belong and what I'm
capable of. It is however balanced by the opposite
feeling...
...from Talya.
Talya's acting career started with a smack in the face
nearly 20 years ago so intense it probably defined
everything. Whereas I was fortunate to have a
string of positive things happen to me at from 19-23,
she landed the role of a lifetime at 7 being Harrison
Ford's daughter in a movie vehicle for
him...
AND
THEN HE DECIDED NOT TO DO THE MOVIE.
Gulp. Welcome to
the business kid. That joy followed by that crash? And
then not landing anything after? Wheeeeeeeeeew. Though
she went on to major in theatre in college and is very
good? She will be the first to admit she lacks the
inner-insanity to push the business side of this
thing. And if it wasn't for CBS? I would feel exactly
the same. I performed at such a high level,
beyond what I thought I was capable of, that
as I've mentioned in this entry - I can't go too
long before I'm annoyed again and have the drive to
keep pushing. She doesn't have that. She loves to act,
but that inner... insanity - seriously insanity is the
only word for it - isn't there. She loves kids. She
loves teaching. She loves using her talents (her brain
easily being her strongest suit - don't play any
taboo/password type games with this one), and if given
the opportunity? She loves acting. However, as anyone
has followed this project knows, you're never
given the opportunity. You're given tiny
lights that if you can self-manufacture the herculean
focus and scheming ability? You may be able to
turn those lights into opportunities. At which point
those opportunites may turn into something
legitimate. It is 100% about your insanity-drive. The
ability to do the same thing, over and over while
failing, believing you'll get a different result. It's
fucking crazy, but in this industry? It works. It's
staying in New York for a month on your own dime to
talk CBS into giving you a bit on The Early Show
when they had no intention of doing so. It's
crazy. She doesn't have that push and is
relieved to admit it. She's been toughing it out for
other people in her life and it just doesn't fuel her.
She's ready to be happy. And honestly? Good for her.
Because happy and this industry rarely intersect and
no matter what when you feel this way? You need a
breather. I've had some breathers and have come back
stronger than ever. It might happen for her as well.
Let go (I've done this and said I was doing this
several times and it has always been the right thing
to do) and see if it comes back.
So yeah, it's an
interesting energy to be around. I don't mean to paint
it as defeatist or a negative energy at all - it's an
awakening, it's a reality and it's something I have
supported simply by listening to her. At the
end of the day it really is about being happy. And if
I could just be happy letting go (I may be very soon
anyway) I will. But I'm finding that happiness
outside of "pushing it" can only last so long until
I'm "crazy" again and feel the need to continue
the fight. It's why I couldn't go back to Columbus.
Something in me knew that I was incomplete without
this struggle to find my place. Will I be happy
focusing on family, kids, the simple things?
Absolutely... but not forever. Has to be both. I feel
obligated to the talents to get BACK to where
I was in 2007.
