5:15 PM, Sunday, March 27th, 2011:
So nearly two weeks pass without an entry and I can't really make up a good reason. This happened once before in The Journey (over 10 years ago) and at that time it was because I was so busy with editing things for Hollywood Screentest. Now? Utter apathy for anything that has to do with me. It's a defining moment for this project to say the least.
I touched on it in the last entry, but since today marks the day of those auditions and I spent it playing foursquare suffice to say I am not only lost for direction, I'm lost for the will to find said direction. Now, as it pertains to "The X Factor", let me just say this: after reading up all the information from the registration forms, etc - I came to a very simple and obvious conclusion: I'm not the next pop star.
I'm just not. We'll call it my "duh" factor.
It's not a lack of belief in myself, it's not the weight of so many failures bringing me down (though all of those may be true)... I'm just not a pop star, folks. I don't even want it. At 18 I wanted it. Back when I actually thought this was an appropriate album cover:
Yeah, those days are over. If I had lived in Orlando at the time, I probably could've been in a boyband as I could sing and hop around with the best of them. Had the lead in musicals at school, etc. But I wasn't in any entertainment mecca, my ass was in Columbus, Ohio. And I pretended to be as gay as the boys in Orlando while in my room in Columbus. FYI: My first wife Burgundie took this picture HALF MY LIFE AGO and I'm wearing a vest without a shrit. I'm wearing a VEST without a SHIRT. Holy balls that's embarrassing.
I will cease the personal flogging long enough to say that I believe I have the look, voice and songwriting ability to be a successful musician. But I do not belong on "American Idol" or "The X Factor" anymore. I do not appeal whatsoever to a "pop" demographic. I've lived far too many lives and speak more to people TWICE my age than HALF my age... and goddamnit I'm actually proud of that. My experience is a badge of honor that saves me from wasting my time trying to achieve something I don't even care about. The only reason I even thought of it was because there wasn't an age limit - and I do actually believe I belong in the music industry... I am no longer however: popular or mainstream when it comes to music. Catchy? Sure. Billy Joel is catchy. At no point was he an American Idol. Duh, I parody mainstream, remember?
There's another reason I'm writing this however...
I'm finally annoyed. FINALLY. I'm finally back to where I was a year ago (which was woefully lost, but at least frustrated). A tiny part of me cares again. A tiny part of me feels like I'm underachieving and this is a fucking joke. I am extremely embarrassed by the lack of substantive entries this year (CLEARLY I only mean career-wise), when I've consistently posted more entries in a MONTH than I have in 1/4 of 2011 so far. I'm fed up and feel the burn to bug my agent, push more contacts and get moving again. I obviously needed these few months to revel in the giddy-ness of a new love (which hasn't remotely subsided), but now I'm flat-out embarrassed by what I've become. Time to work out, get focused and remind the new people in my life who I am. My life has been defined by ambition so overwhelming it created an entire universe of production. For some reason it hit me.
I know the reason though: my future kid. I'm not ready to tell my kid I didn't make it. That at 35 I stopped because I was burnt out. That I was out of ideas, and just had him and am happy. Oh that might still happen, but this isn't about being happy anymore ('cause I am with or without making it). No it's about a responsibility to talents that are more than sufficient to be working in this industry. Products already done, shot and in the CAN that could be on TV right this moment. It's about having made it to where I want to be on CBS and simply trying to find the way back. It's a feeling at the core of my being that knows where I belong and what I'm capable of. It is however balanced by the opposite feeling...
...from Talya. Talya's acting career started with a smack in the face nearly 20 years ago so intense it probably defined everything. Whereas I was fortunate to have a string of positive things happen to me at from 19-23, she landed the role of a lifetime at 7 being Harrison Ford's daughter in a movie vehicle for him...
Gulp. Welcome to the business kid. That joy followed by that crash? And then not landing anything after? Wheeeeeeeeeew. Though she went on to major in theatre in college and is very good? She will be the first to admit she lacks the inner-insanity to push the business side of this thing. And if it wasn't for CBS? I would feel exactly the same. I performed at such a high level, beyond what I thought I was capable of, that as I've mentioned in this entry - I can't go too long before I'm annoyed again and have the drive to keep pushing. She doesn't have that. She loves to act, but that inner... insanity - seriously insanity is the only word for it - isn't there. She loves kids. She loves teaching. She loves using her talents (her brain easily being her strongest suit - don't play any taboo/password type games with this one), and if given the opportunity? She loves acting. However, as anyone has followed this project knows, you're never given the opportunity. You're given tiny lights that if you can self-manufacture the herculean focus and scheming ability? You may be able to turn those lights into opportunities. At which point those opportunites may turn into something legitimate. It is 100% about your insanity-drive. The ability to do the same thing, over and over while failing, believing you'll get a different result. It's fucking crazy, but in this industry? It works. It's staying in New York for a month on your own dime to talk CBS into giving you a bit on The Early Show when they had no intention of doing so. It's crazy. She doesn't have that push and is relieved to admit it. She's been toughing it out for other people in her life and it just doesn't fuel her. She's ready to be happy. And honestly? Good for her. Because happy and this industry rarely intersect and no matter what when you feel this way? You need a breather. I've had some breathers and have come back stronger than ever. It might happen for her as well. Let go (I've done this and said I was doing this several times and it has always been the right thing to do) and see if it comes back.
So yeah, it's an interesting energy to be around. I don't mean to paint it as defeatist or a negative energy at all - it's an awakening, it's a reality and it's something I have supported simply by listening to her. At the end of the day it really is about being happy. And if I could just be happy letting go (I may be very soon anyway) I will. But I'm finding that happiness outside of "pushing it" can only last so long until I'm "crazy" again and feel the need to continue the fight. It's why I couldn't go back to Columbus. Something in me knew that I was incomplete without this struggle to find my place. Will I be happy focusing on family, kids, the simple things? Absolutely... but not forever. Has to be both. I feel obligated to the talents to get BACK to where I was in 2007.
Alright, have some emails to write.