1:08 PM, Monday, March 14th, 2011:
Slight warning... this entry will be filled with an assload of realism. A fuckton of honesty. It will be neither overwhelmingly positive or completely defeatist. It will be grey.
So Simon Cowell's new show, The X-Factor, is coming this Summer and just like the scenario 5 years ago with America's Got Talent there is no reason for me not to audition for this. There is no age limit for this and I certainly can sing. The problem is? I just don't give a shit.
But, almost on auto-pilot, I signed up and got the audition information for here in LA on March 27th and know that as "Journey Adam" I absolutely need to do this. Unlike America's Got Talent where I actually knew my act would grab their attention (4tvs), here I'm just singing. And it's pretty much exactly like American Idol in that respect. They're looking for the whole package, including the "story" (which is the only way your ass is getting on the show - something dramatic). I have no faith that I will stand-out amongst the energetic believers that will lineup in the thousands. My uniquity at this point is the ability to communicate years of experience and pain in my voice and my songwriting. I'm not fun to watch in that respect. You know? God am I gonna talk myself out of this by the end of the entry?
I feel like an "ex-performer". An "ex-entertainer". I'm left as an old man sitting on a stage telling stories because I'm past my prime. There is a place for that. I love Tom Waits. I am inspired by real stories, real issues... I however have no interest in American Idol. I had some interest in America's Got Talent (especially when they booked me on the show) because I felt like I belonged. 4tvs is a wacky act that shows a lot of talent. JUST singing actually does kind of bore me. It's why I hate karaoke. Zzzzzz. Singers are a dime a dozen to me. Singing and writing? OK. Oh how I would love a singer/songwriter show where you're judged on both. It's the same way I feel about acting. By itself? I am bored and restless. I want to write it. I want to create a character, delve into the heart of the whole production. Just interpreting lines (though absolutely a talent) leaves me incredibly underwhelmed. But I have to ask - am I making excuses?
5 years ago if the show was The X Factor and not America's Got Talent? I think I would've said the same thing. But I have this alarm in me to opportunities that just GOES OFF if there's ANYTHING I could be good at. I am a talented singer, can sing in a bunch of different genres and to anyone who only hears me sing? They assume that is my gift that I should see through to the end. I honestly do not feel that. It's one part of a huge pie and I like THE PIE. I mean, at least two slices as I described above and there's interest. I mean, can I sing with my iPad and at least show off my timing skills, humor and harmonizing/writing singing ability? Ugh.
Wow, I really just talked myself out of auditioning didn't I. I'll have you know that I just went on the America's Got Talent website and submitted videos for 4tvs AND The iPad Comic. So maybe this will all be a moot point. I still may go to the audition simply because The Journey is SEVERELY lacking lately and I need to jump start it. But goddamnit, it feels pretty over. Over with a GIANT asterisk: given ANY real direction? I'm RIGHT back up where I was from May to November of 2009. What is lacking is that ability to motivate COMPLETELY from scratch based on that inner-belief that we all had as teenagers. That lasted me until I was 34. That well has RUN DRY. I now need help. I now need something dangled to run towards. And even then? Chances are I may choose to play with my dogs. LOL.
Speaking of which... LeeLoo is so adorable that I felt the need to make this video:
BWAAAAAAAAAha. Part of me hopes someone actually believes this and gets all ASPCA on me, but I have a feeling everyone realizes that there is nothing cuter than a puppy - and it's just really funny to say horrible things to it. Heh. I am somewhat twisted. No doubt. ;-)
So I guess the jury is still out on whether I'm goin' through with this next week. Just wish I cared. Wish I could find a reason to care. Wish I could summon the strength to care... We'll see. For now, I go back to being happy.