this entry will be filled with an assload of realism.
A fuckton of honesty. It will be neither
overwhelmingly positive or completely defeatist. It
will be grey.
So Simon Cowell's
new show, The X-Factor, is coming this Summer and just
like the scenario 5 years ago with America's Got
Talent there is no reason for me not to audition for
this. There is no age limit for this and
I certainly can sing. The problem is? I just
don't give a shit.
But, almost on
auto-pilot, I signed up and got the audition
information for here in LA on March 27th and know that
as "Journey Adam" I absolutely need to do this. Unlike
America's Got Talent where I actually knew
my act would grab their attention (4tvs), here I'm
just singing. And it's pretty much exactly like
American Idol in that respect. They're looking for the
whole package, including the "story" (which is the
only way your ass is getting on the show - something
dramatic). I have no faith that I will stand-out
amongst the energetic believers that will lineup in
the thousands. My uniquity at this point is the
ability to communicate years of experience and pain in
my voice and my songwriting. I'm not fun to watch in
that respect. You know? God am I gonna talk
myself out of this by the end of the
I feel like
an "ex-performer". An "ex-entertainer". I'm left as an
old man sitting on a stage telling stories because I'm
past my prime. There is a place for that. I love Tom
Waits. I am inspired by real stories, real issues... I
however have no interest in American Idol. I had
some interest in America's Got Talent
(especially when they booked me on the show) because
I felt like I belonged. 4tvs is a wacky act
that shows a lot of talent. JUST singing actually
does kind of bore me. It's why I hate karaoke.
Zzzzzz. Singers are a dime a dozen to me. Singing and
writing? OK. Oh how I would love a
singer/songwriter show where you're judged on both.
It's the same way I feel about acting. By itself?
I am bored and restless. I want to write it.
I want to create a character, delve into the
heart of the whole production. Just interpreting lines
(though absolutely a talent) leaves me incredibly
underwhelmed. But I have to ask - am
I making excuses?
5 years ago if the
show was The X Factor and not America's Got Talent?
I think I would've said the same thing. But
I have this alarm in me to opportunities that
just GOES OFF if there's ANYTHING I could be good
at. I am a talented singer, can sing in a bunch of
different genres and to anyone who only hears me sing?
They assume that is my gift that I should see
through to the end. I honestly do not feel that. It's
one part of a huge pie and I like THE PIE.
I mean, at least two slices as I described
above and there's interest. I mean, can
I sing with my iPad and at least show off my
timing skills, humor and harmonizing/writing singing
Wow, I really
just talked myself out of auditioning didn't I. I'll
have you know that I just went on the America's
Got Talent website and submitted videos for 4tvs AND
The iPad Comic. So maybe this will all be a moot
point. I still may go to the audition simply
because The Journey is SEVERELY lacking lately
and I need to jump start it. But goddamnit, it
feels pretty over. Over with a GIANT asterisk:
given ANY real direction? I'm RIGHT back up
where I was from May to November of 2009. What is
lacking is that ability to motivate COMPLETELY from
scratch based on that inner-belief that we all had as
teenagers. That lasted me until I was 34. That
well has RUN DRY. I now need help.
I now need something dangled to run towards. And
even then? Chances are I may choose to play with
my dogs. LOL.
which... LeeLoo is so adorable that I felt the
need to make this video:
Part of me hopes someone actually believes this and
gets all ASPCA on me, but I have a feeling
everyone realizes that there is nothing cuter than a
puppy - and it's just really funny to say horrible
things to it. Heh. I am somewhat twisted. No doubt.
So I guess the
jury is still out on whether I'm goin' through with
this next week. Just wish I cared. Wish I could
find a reason to care. Wish I could summon the
strength to care... We'll see. For now, I go back to