1:53 PM, Sunday, March 6th, 2011:
This may be the "least relatable" issue I've ever written about, but I think it's interesting enough that you'll be able to think to yourself:  "Wow, thank GOD I don't have to deal with THAT."
I would say that it's an "All-Bloggers" type of issue, but it kind of isn't. Most bloggers don't write about their personal lives as openly as I do, and honestly? Blog sites aren't organized like mine. You would be hard pressed to find a specific entry on a wordpress type of a blog but it's really easy on The Journey. Colorful entry bars, titles, pictures, videos... so if you happen to be your girlfriend's mother or father? It's a goddamned goldmine. If my daughter's boyfriend had this much information open to the public? Every word would be studied to find a flaw in this bastard. I would do so knowing that in the end it didn't really matter, but the curiosity would force me to look.
So it is with this set-up that Talya's mother Karen and I have grabbed lunch, had coffee and spoken on the phone in the nearly 2 weeks since Talya has been gone. Unfortunately I believe that Talya's trip to Israel remains locked in the entries of last month so... uhm, yeah - Talya is in Israel until tomorrow night and I've still been seein' her family a bunch (even kept up the Sunday dinner thing) 'cause quite honestly? I really like them. Karen especially has the same neurotic curiosity about all things relationship-wise and since our favorite topic is Talya? We gab like two women. (sigh) I'm seriously one more chick flick away from an all-out vagioplasty. <shakes head> After the conversations end however, you're left with 11 years, two marriages, a splattering of relationships in between up for public consumption on this site.
So Karen happens upon December 2007, the little 5-part story on Donna where Donna herself wrote an entry. It's an excruciating read. A painful account of how two people break up and just how difficult it is to deal with a mental-illness. Actually, now that I'm skimming it - it's a pretty good read. Guess it was just painful at the time. I did not want it public but Donna asked me to keep it up (as she writes in her entry, part 4 of the series) to hold her accountable as she attempted therapy, etc. So imagine what it must have felt like as a mother to read these two paragraphs:
I think that's why women fall so fast with me. I swear to fucking christ man - it's mind-blowing how something about me changes women. God this might be the most embarrassing entry I've ever written. But if I had a friggin hay-penny for how many times women have been floooooooored by who I am and reconsider everything they've ever known... it's just, well it's fucking difficult. Because how the fuck do you take that? And I have held back, trust me. Cassi would be the best example of that. She was far too young for anything that serious and she got "Adam-lite" because of it... but anyone who has even a hint of potential? Just being me is... unreal to them. I just friggin' have to say it for my own therapeutic reasons because being too embarrassed to admit it only hurts me.


It's why I'm Mr. Long-Term relationship. If I'm that spectacular to this person in front of me... it must be "the one" right? But see, no one is ever that honest. Or they change their mind a year later. I mean how the fuck do men ever stay with a woman? I swear to christ man. I joke that it would be easier if I were gay but fuck, a gay man is no different than a woman. Funny the term "but fuck" would be in that sentence. Heh. And living single forever? Completely out of the question. I want kids, I want a family and I love having a soulful special relationship with one person. But are there any women that know themselves enough to not lie? To not change constantly? To not have such a history of abuse that any man in their path will be destroyed over time?
See how you may have some doubts about who your daughter is seein'? What's so interesting about this is that it's a LEGITIMATE concern. It's not doubting my sincerity, my honesty, my goodness as a person - she knows me well enough to believe all those things about me. It's the fact that I labeled myself so honestly as a guy who just wants to be married. You read that last paragraph? As a mother you pick up the phone and call me, which is exactly what she did.
At the time I didnt' know what exactly she had read but now that I've skimmed it all makes sense. What's the defense of that? It is absolutely how I felt, and as embarrassing as it sounds - something I've struggled with in every relationship: not really trusting the women after Jess, because so many react so overwhelmingly postive to me... only to do a 180 a few months to a year later. It got to the point where I just wrote that above paragraph just so it was OUT THERE. And it has been something I've been wary of ever since. So how do I know Talya's "the one"?
...but I have no doubts or trust issues with her. First I think "the one" is romance novel bullshit and compatability has more to say about you than it does about the other person. And secondly, of course it's too soon to be certain of the entire rest of our lives. Duh. That being said though? I'm amazed at just how easily we co-exist. I BEAM at how well we handle what rests in the locked entries of last month. We are an incredible team and she absolutely feels like a teammate for life. And to be able to feel that considering the amount of experiences behind me? Speaks volumes. So we are simply continuing to float downstream together. That's it. It isn't as if we have a specific plan and we are trying to achieve certain goals by a certain time, etc. We are simply enjoying our lives. And the more events that happen like happened last month? The more we will know about each other.
The big difference in how I operate (which I know is very exhausting) is I tend to believe all things positive until given a reason NOT to. And my radar is pretty intense. As I wrote last fall with the "experience" song - I see patterns almost at "hello". I spoke above about not trusting women after Jess, but they ALL gave me reasons not to. Quite quickly. Which is why I can say without reservation that Talya feels like a teammate for life, even though we've known each other for a short amount of time. It's not 'cause I'm jumping into things or because I desperately want the outcome of marriage/children... I say that because it is the smoothest relationship I've ever known and again - there's no reason to think otherwise. Contrary to popular belief? I don't rush into marriages. LOL. They've all been labored over decisions that can be marked by YEARS before marriage, not months. An expiring visa made the situation with Donna speed up, but truthfully? Neither of us wanted to be married. We made the best of a shitty situation and no matter how much I fought to make it work, it certainly wasn't a surprise that it didn't work out. <shrugs>. And that's all written, public, online - nothing here that I'm trying to rationalize or re-write. We did video outtakes at our wedding for a reason. We knew it was way too fast, but we simply didn't have the time. C'est La Vie. But Burg and Jess were two years prior to marriage and that's why we're still friends today. Love, communication and understanding.
So now can you imagine how DESPERATELY my heart wants to lock parts of The Journey from Talya's friends/family? How much heartache would be saved if it wasn't all public? How unbelieveably INSINCERE it makes me seem when you compare present statements to previous statements? I mean imagine if someone grabbed a page from your diary 7 years ago where you were waxing poetic about who you were at the time and had you defend it? Some heavy shit...
...and all of it GOOD. Because it's the mutha-fuckin' TRUTH. In all seriousness, I have zero issues with it. It may be tough, it may be exhausting, embarrassing - but it's the truth. I said those things. I meant those things. And I have no problem being accountable for anything I've said. I am a pretty thoughtful person and I do tend to think before I do/say things. Karen has since apologized for calling or doubting, but there's nothing to apologize for. It's a legitimate concern. Not just for a mother, for anyone simply analyzing the situation. And my heart does especially go out to her because if you think this is tough? Throw in the story of Ann Walker from two years ago. Yeah. Moms just fucking LOVE that one. (sigh) I actually mentioned it over coffee before she stumbled on it and would give anything to have recorded her face. See, these are stories we all have... but are in "a closet" and we call them "skeletons" and we sure as fuck don't tell our significant other's PARENTS. <throws hands up>
But I still believe if we all shared our skeletons? We would weed out the assholes around us who say they're friends that really aren't. Ya know? People spend so much time telling others such a homogonized version of their past then wonder why they don't feel connected. DUH. 'Cause when you look in the mirror? You aren't homogonized. You can't run from your past, you can't ignore it and rewrite it. It's ever-present when you're alone. And if you don't share your ACTUAL past with others? You're ALWAYS ALONE. Viscious cycle isn't it?
Granted, my relationship with Talya's mother doesn't need to be as connected as Talya. That's asking a bit much of everyone involved. But the thing is? I'm honest with both of my parents (with my father saying from time to time "probably a little too much information Adam") and we have pretty wonderful relationships because of it. So I certainly don't find it inappropriate that these issues would come up with Karen and in fact I welcome it. Family is extremely important to me and I really have nothing to hide. I also appreciate how neurotic Talya's mom is. Ha. Far moreso than Talya. Talya is a calming influence on BOTH of us in that respect...
...and I really miss her. I was OK for the first few days and then - well, we're just really good together. And, uhm...
Alright, come home soon Talya. Before your mother has to hear another song that triggers images she'd probably rather not see.