This may be the
"least relatable" issue I've ever written about, but
I think it's interesting enough that you'll be
able to think to yourself: "Wow, thank
GOD I don't have to deal with THAT."
I would say that
it's an "All-Bloggers" type of issue, but it kind of
isn't. Most bloggers don't write about their personal
lives as openly as I do, and honestly? Blog sites
aren't organized like mine. You would be hard pressed
to find a specific entry on a wordpress type of a blog
but it's really easy on The Journey. Colorful
entry bars, titles, pictures, videos... so if you
happen to be your girlfriend's mother or father? It's
a goddamned goldmine. If my daughter's boyfriend had
this much information open to the public? Every word
would be studied to find a flaw in this bastard. I
would do so knowing that in the end it didn't really
matter, but the curiosity would force me to
look.
So it is with this
set-up that Talya's mother Karen and I have grabbed
lunch, had coffee and spoken on the phone in the
nearly 2 weeks since Talya has been gone.
Unfortunately I believe that Talya's trip to
Israel remains locked in the entries of last month
so... uhm, yeah - Talya is in Israel until tomorrow
night and I've still been seein' her family a bunch
(even kept up the Sunday dinner thing) 'cause quite
honestly? I really like them. Karen especially
has the same neurotic curiosity about all things
relationship-wise and since our favorite topic is
Talya? We gab like two women. (sigh) I'm seriously one
more chick flick away from an all-out vagioplasty.
<shakes head> After the conversations end
however, you're left with 11 years, two marriages, a
splattering of relationships in between up for public
consumption on this site.
So Karen happens
upon December
2007, the
little 5-part story on Donna where Donna herself wrote
an entry. It's an excruciating read. A painful account
of how two people break up and just how difficult it
is to deal with a mental-illness. Actually, now that
I'm skimming it - it's a pretty good read.
Guess it was just painful at the time. I did
not want it public but Donna asked me to keep
it up (as she writes in her entry, part 4 of the
series) to hold her accountable as she attempted
therapy, etc. So imagine what it must have felt like
as a mother to read these two paragraphs:
I think
that's why women fall so fast with me. I swear to
fucking christ man - it's mind-blowing how
something about me changes women. God this might be
the most embarrassing entry I've ever written. But
if I had a friggin hay-penny for how many times
women have been floooooooored by who I am and
reconsider everything they've ever known... it's
just, well it's fucking difficult. Because how the
fuck do you take that? And I have held back, trust
me. Cassi would be the best example of that. She
was far too young for anything that serious and she
got "Adam-lite" because of it... but anyone who has
even a hint of potential? Just being me is...
unreal to them. I just friggin' have to say it for
my own therapeutic reasons because being too
embarrassed to admit it only hurts
me.
It's why I'm
Mr. Long-Term relationship. If I'm that spectacular
to this person in front of me... it must be "the
one" right? But see, no one is ever that honest. Or
they change their mind a year later. I mean how the
fuck do men ever stay with a woman? I swear to
christ man. I joke that it would be easier if I
were gay but fuck, a gay man is no different than a
woman. Funny the term "but fuck" would be in that
sentence. Heh. And living single forever?
Completely out of the question. I want kids, I want
a family and I love having a soulful special
relationship with one person. But are there any
women that know themselves enough to not lie? To
not change constantly? To not have such a history
of abuse that any man in their path will be
destroyed over time?
See how you may
have some doubts about who your daughter is seein'?
What's so interesting about this is that it's a
LEGITIMATE concern. It's not doubting my sincerity, my
honesty, my goodness as a person - she knows me well
enough to believe all those things about me. It's the
fact that I labeled myself so honestly as a guy
who just wants to be married. You read that last
paragraph? As a mother you pick up the phone and call
me, which is exactly what she did.
At the time
I didnt' know what exactly she had read but now
that I've skimmed it all makes sense. What's the
defense of that? It is absolutely how I felt, and
as embarrassing as it sounds - something I've
struggled with in every relationship: not really
trusting the women after Jess, because so many react
so overwhelmingly postive to me... only to do a 180 a
few months to a year later. It got to the point where
I just wrote that above paragraph just so it was
OUT THERE. And it has been something I've been
wary of ever since. So how do I know Talya's "the
one"?
I DON'T
YET...
...but I have no
doubts or trust issues with her. First I think
"the one" is romance novel bullshit and
compatability has more to say about you than it does
about the other person. And secondly, of course it's
too soon to be certain of the entire rest of our
lives. Duh. That being said though? I'm amazed at just
how easily we co-exist. I BEAM at how well we handle
what rests in the locked entries of last month. We are
an incredible team and she absolutely feels like a
teammate for life. And to be able to feel that
considering the amount of experiences behind
me? Speaks volumes. So we are simply continuing to
float downstream together. That's it. It isn't as if
we have a specific plan and we are trying to achieve
certain goals by a certain time, etc. We are simply
enjoying our lives. And the more events that happen
like happened last month? The more we will know about
each other.
The big difference
in how I operate (which I know is very
exhausting) is I tend to believe all things
positive until given a reason NOT to. And my
radar is pretty intense. As I wrote last fall
with the "experience" song - I see patterns
almost at "hello". I spoke above about not trusting
women after Jess, but they ALL gave me reasons not to.
Quite quickly. Which is why I can say without
reservation that Talya feels like a teammate for life,
even though we've known each other for a short amount
of time. It's not 'cause I'm jumping into things or
because I desperately want the outcome of
marriage/children... I say that because it is the
smoothest relationship I've ever known and again -
there's no reason to think otherwise. Contrary to
popular belief? I don't rush into marriages. LOL.
They've all been labored over decisions that can be
marked by YEARS before marriage, not months. An
expiring visa made the situation with Donna speed up,
but truthfully? Neither of us wanted to be
married. We made the best of a shitty situation and no
matter how much I fought to make it work, it
certainly wasn't a surprise that it didn't work out.
<shrugs>. And that's all written, public, online
- nothing here that I'm trying to rationalize or
re-write. We did video
outtakes at
our wedding for a reason. We knew it was way too fast,
but we simply didn't have the time. C'est La Vie. But
Burg and Jess were two years prior to marriage and
that's why we're still friends today. Love,
communication and understanding.
So now can you
imagine how DESPERATELY my heart wants to lock parts
of The Journey from Talya's friends/family? How much
heartache would be saved if it wasn't all public? How
unbelieveably INSINCERE it makes me seem when you
compare present statements to previous statements?
I mean imagine if someone grabbed a page from
your diary 7 years ago where you were waxing poetic
about who you were at the time and had you defend it?
Some heavy shit...
...and all of
it GOOD. Because it's the mutha-fuckin' TRUTH. In
all seriousness, I have zero issues with it. It may be
tough, it may be exhausting, embarrassing - but it's
the truth. I said those things. I meant those things.
And I have no problem being accountable for anything
I've said. I am a pretty thoughtful person and I do
tend to think before I do/say things. Karen has
since apologized for calling or doubting, but there's
nothing to apologize for. It's a legitimate concern.
Not just for a mother, for anyone simply analyzing the
situation. And my heart does especially go out to her
because if you think this is tough? Throw in the story
of Ann Walker from two years ago. Yeah. Moms just
fucking LOVE that one. (sigh) I actually
mentioned it over coffee before she stumbled on it and
would give anything to have recorded her face. See,
these are stories we all have... but are in "a closet"
and we call them "skeletons" and we sure as fuck don't
tell our significant other's PARENTS. <throws hands
up>
But I still
believe if we all shared our skeletons? We would weed
out the assholes around us who say they're friends
that really aren't. Ya know? People spend so much time
telling others such a homogonized version of their
past then wonder why they don't feel connected. DUH.
'Cause when you look in the mirror? You aren't
homogonized. You can't run from your past, you can't
ignore it and rewrite it. It's ever-present when
you're alone. And if you don't share your ACTUAL past
with others? You're ALWAYS ALONE. Viscious cycle
isn't it?
Granted, my
relationship with Talya's mother doesn't need to be as
connected as Talya. That's asking a bit much of
everyone involved. But the thing is? I'm honest with
both of my parents (with my father saying from time to
time "probably a little too much information Adam")
and we have pretty wonderful relationships because of
it. So I certainly don't find it inappropriate
that these issues would come up with Karen and in fact
I welcome it. Family is extremely important to me and
I really have nothing to hide. I also appreciate
how neurotic Talya's mom is. Ha. Far moreso than
Talya. Talya is a calming influence on BOTH of us
in that respect...
...and
I really miss her. I was OK for the
first few days and then - well, we're just really good
together. And, uhm...
Alright, come home
soon Talya. Before your mother has to hear another
song that triggers images she'd probably rather not
see.
