Damn, only 6
entries last month and 5 this month?
I must be in love. That and this has been
a craaaaaaaaazy couple of weeks...
Yeah, so the whole
month is locked. It's gonna need to be for the next
couple weeks and it's kinda out of my control. If it's
killin' ya, feel free to write to me and I'll probably
send you the locked entries. I absolutely hate
that the best drama ends up being locked - but I
really have no control here. Trust me, it'll be just
as exciting when you do experience it...
...as exciting as
an exploding jar of honey. (sigh) So Talya had a jar
of honey that was getting all clumped up. It was kinda
cool because it reminded me of a childhood memory of
when my nana would let me have a spoonful of what
I thought at the time was a goddamn miracle. I
figured it took 40 years for honey to turn so amazing.
It seemed like the most special treat ever. So yes,
I had a bit like that and smiled... then got
annoyed 'cause I couldn't pour it in my tea. My
mom said I could just heat it up and it goes back
to normal. So I threw it in the microwave for a
minute and did something else. What I came back
to was BOILING. Oops. Boiling honey is scary.
So I fucking open
(sigh) It seemed
like such an obviously good idea. Give it some air to
cool down quicker. Well holy balls it was not a good
idea. It exploded like a freaking seltzer bottle. I
have shaken up cans of pop with less of a result than
the mass of boiling goo that splattered EVERYWHERE.
Including my hands and face which, well, felt like
boiling honey. Doesn't exactly wipe off. Oh how
I wish this would've been on tape. I burned my
hands pretty good but it was fine within a day.
Unreal. Yes if you get it really hot and worked up, it
might explode in your face. Word to the
Wow. Did I
actually see the final 2 1/2 Men taping ever last
month? Certainly seems like it right now. Then again,
there's far too much money to walk away forever. The
real story is Charlie saying he's clean right now.
Sheeeeeeit. He is not clean. I'm sorry, but
turn off the sound and WATCH his interviews and he
moves like a crack-head. Then you throw in what he's
saying? Oh my jesus. This is the greatest meltdown
ever. "I'm tired of pretending I'm not a rockstar from
Mars." Me too Charlie, me too. LOL. It's too bad
because in the midst of all the noise of his obvious
addiction there is some truth to what he's saying. CBS
is having a dick wagging contest too and it is hurting
a lot of innocent people. But the message gets
destroyed because the messenger is such a mess. Oooh
three "mess"es in one sentence. Cool. Interesting to
watch. Far more interesting than that
interesting... maybe it's my inner-Spencer, but Talya
was a hair model last month for a MASSIVE hair show in
Long Beach last month and I was absolutely
fascinated. Ha. I mean, it was a good 90
minute presentation on a Keratin hair-straightening
treatment and the dude got all into the chemistry of
it all and I could not have been more of a
sponge with that info. I know what it is, I'm kinda
hungry for something outside of my comfort zone.
I need a goddamn job. I need to tackle a
project that has fuck all to do with anything
I know. There's your opening Journey Gods. Back
to the hair - the guy running the thing came up to me
afterwards and was like: "Dude, you paid more
attention than anyone in the room." Ha. I really
did. I just found it interesting. Amazing that
people know this goddamn much about hair. Down to the
most bizarre details. Women really wanna look
5) Make 'em cum,
make 'em crazy
...for men. (sigh)
OK, I made the quote the title of the random, so
there's no turning back now. I just know I have
TWO moms reading this thing now and the yearning
to censor my thoughts is higher than normal. But, I,
just, can't, do IT. Here goes:
In an entry awhile
back (but maybe also in a personal IM that
I never made public) I uttered the line
"Make 'em cum, make 'em crazy". It was my embarrassing
theory of why I had an inordinate amount of drama
with the women in my life. LMAO. I cannot believe
I'm writing this in this entry. So remarkably
innappropriate. (sigh). Anyway, we agreed and laughed
and then I found an article that actually supports the
theory. Oxytocin was recently linked to the female
orgasm as well as during birth and breastfeeding
(which has been known for decades). It's a hormone
dubbed the "love hormone" because it causes a
female to bond with the cause of the release. It
indirectly proves that crass quote I said above and
can go a long way in explaining why women stay in
situations that aren't good for them. It's more than
"good sex", it's an actual physiological bond that
could be mother/child strong. That's some intense shit
right there. Also explains why women have a harder
time with casual sex than men do. Pretty interesting
right? A worthy random, right?
head> I'm embarrassed, but my fingers just kept
typing. But be honest Karen (Talya's mother), you
found that interesting. Right? Like you rolled your
eyes and let out an exasperated sigh when you first
read that, but once over the shock of it - it struck
up some synapses in your noggin' that you found
You're just gonna have to take me as I am here,
because this project is a representation of how my
brain works. And aren't you glad your daughter is
NO! NO! ADAM!
Mothers don't want to think about THAT! GODDDDDDAMNIT.
What are you THINKING.
DAH. Must, get
out, of this random.
6) Squirrel Song
innappropriateness and upset mothers. Check out this
sung to the
tune of the "squirrel song"
sure I get just how you think?
you gave my son that link...
but as I saw the song unfurl...
shown to my
by my 12 YEAR OLD GIRL!?!?!?!
ADAM!!! my 14 year old son... (almost 15) loved it
so much he shared it with his little
apparently a hit with the jr high crowd now as well
as the high school kids but when the parents start
calling me balls roll downhill too ya
hope youre doing well.
The kid friended
me on Facebook and he's 14. <throws up hands>
It's game over after that. In case you missed this
7) Back on The
In a story that
made me completely shake
my head. I
pitch the idea being the longest running video blogger
about how documenting your life (like everyone is
doing now on Facebook) can affect your memories, and
they go with a story about how people posting only
happy pictures on Facebook makes everyone sad. Huh? As
if everyone's life seems happier than yours. Which
I guess would be true, if the people viewing it
weren't ALSO ON FACEBOOK doing the
EXACT SAME THING. (sigh) Oh well, it was
cool to be back on CBS... thank you to my old producer
Jim who is always trying to help me out. Which of
course leads to REALLY being back on
Letterman did a
couple "Ventriloquist Week"s in the past couple of
years and it suddenly hit me: DUH. 21st Century
Ventriloquist: The iPad Comic. Can't believe
I didn't make the connection before. So I
immediately contacted Vinnie (head of late night at
CBS and the man who gave me Up & Adam in
2007) who is always happy to help out and he said he
didn't know when they were doing it next or if they
even are... but that's really not the point - the
point is, Letterman likes it and I can make a bit that
I know he'll actually SEE. So I'm gonna go all
out. Lose about 10 pounds and use TWO iPads to do a
really intense 3 minute bit that should blow people
away. When he sees it, who knows - it may spur doing
another week with some lesser known acts that are more
creative. I think he digs doing more "Ed Sullivan"
type stuff (being in the same theater) and again,
I know Vinnie can get it to him. So I gotta
do it. Whew. Think about it: all 4 Egos done
with two iPads that I move up or down with perfect
timing while we're all talking over each other. Jesus.
That's actually harder than 4tvs. My movements will
have to be EXACT. Yay, challenge.
GOD will you look at that. I'm just, so,
happy for Jess and Jeff. I see the
pictures of that kid and I BEAM. It's
remarkable how well everything worked out,
but now - how it continues is just
stunning. So much happiness. Such a strong
bond with both of them. Such a source of
pure, unbiased, love. I knew it would
be like this all those years ago when Jess
and I split, but even I'm surprised
at how happy a picture like that makes me.
baby's eyes will heal."
Memories are so
unbelieveably powerful. I hadn't seen my grandmother's
coffee cup in over a decade and when my mom came out
to visit she brought it for me. Gulp.
So precious to me.
I've become a regular coffee drinker in the past few
years and it hadn't occurred to me that the memory of
her drinking cofee was so strong. Seeing that cup
gives me chills. In a life so documented that nothing
from my past phases me anymore, seeing that symbol of
my childhood was an out-of-body experience. I miss her
so much. Jessica's grandmother passed a few days ago
and even though we all go through it at some point it
feels so unique. It's such an intense childhood type
of sorrow. Your grandmother never gets older. She's
always the same. And then she's gone. You see your
parents change quite a bit. You witness nearly every
phase of their life depending on how young they had
you... but grandparents are always one image. I like
March. What have you got in store for