10:53 AM, Monday, February 28th, 2011:
Damn, only 6 entries last month and 5 this month? I must be in love. That and this has been a craaaaaaaaazy couple of weeks...
1) Ohhhhhhhh nothin'
Yeah, so the whole month is locked. It's gonna need to be for the next couple weeks and it's kinda out of my control. If it's killin' ya, feel free to write to me and I'll probably send you the locked entries. I absolutely hate that the best drama ends up being locked - but I really have no control here. Trust me, it'll be just as exciting when you do experience it...
2) Honey Bomb
...as exciting as an exploding jar of honey. (sigh) So Talya had a jar of honey that was getting all clumped up. It was kinda cool because it reminded me of a childhood memory of when my nana would let me have a spoonful of what I thought at the time was a goddamn miracle. I figured it took 40 years for honey to turn so amazing. It seemed like the most special treat ever. So yes, I had a bit like that and smiled... then got annoyed 'cause I couldn't pour it in my tea. My mom said I could just heat it up and it goes back to normal. So I threw it in the microwave for a minute and did something else. What I came back to was BOILING. Oops. Boiling honey is scary.
So I fucking open it.
(sigh) It seemed like such an obviously good idea. Give it some air to cool down quicker. Well holy balls it was not a good idea. It exploded like a freaking seltzer bottle. I have shaken up cans of pop with less of a result than the mass of boiling goo that splattered EVERYWHERE. Including my hands and face which, well, felt like boiling honey. Doesn't exactly wipe off. Oh how I wish this would've been on tape. I burned my hands pretty good but it was fine within a day. Unreal. Yes if you get it really hot and worked up, it might explode in your face. Word to the wise.
3) Charlie Sheeeeeeeeit
Wow. Did I actually see the final 2 1/2 Men taping ever last month? Certainly seems like it right now. Then again, there's far too much money to walk away forever. The real story is Charlie saying he's clean right now. Sheeeeeeit. He is not clean. I'm sorry, but turn off the sound and WATCH his interviews and he moves like a crack-head. Then you throw in what he's saying? Oh my jesus. This is the greatest meltdown ever. "I'm tired of pretending I'm not a rockstar from Mars." Me too Charlie, me too. LOL. It's too bad because in the midst of all the noise of his obvious addiction there is some truth to what he's saying. CBS is having a dick wagging contest too and it is hurting a lot of innocent people. But the message gets destroyed because the messenger is such a mess. Oooh three "mess"es in one sentence. Cool. Interesting to watch. Far more interesting than that show.
4) Good Hair
Speaking of interesting... maybe it's my inner-Spencer, but Talya was a hair model last month for a MASSIVE hair show in Long Beach last month and I was absolutely fascinated. Ha. I mean, it was a good 90 minute presentation on a Keratin hair-straightening treatment and the dude got all into the chemistry of it all and I could not have been more of a sponge with that info. I know what it is, I'm kinda hungry for something outside of my comfort zone. I need a goddamn job. I need to tackle a project that has fuck all to do with anything I know. There's your opening Journey Gods. Back to the hair - the guy running the thing came up to me afterwards and was like:  "Dude, you paid more attention than anyone in the room." Ha. I really did. I just found it interesting. Amazing that people know this goddamn much about hair. Down to the most bizarre details. Women really wanna look good...
5) Make 'em cum, make 'em crazy
...for men. (sigh) OK, I made the quote the title of the random, so there's no turning back now. I just know I have TWO moms reading this thing now and the yearning to censor my thoughts is higher than normal. But, I, just, can't, do IT. Here goes:
In an entry awhile back (but maybe also in a personal IM that I never made public) I uttered the line "Make 'em cum, make 'em crazy". It was my embarrassing theory of why I had an inordinate amount of drama with the women in my life. LMAO. I cannot believe I'm writing this in this entry. So remarkably innappropriate. (sigh). Anyway, we agreed and laughed and then I found an article that actually supports the theory. Oxytocin was recently linked to the female orgasm as well as during birth and breastfeeding (which has been known for decades). It's a hormone dubbed the "love hormone" because it causes a female to bond with the cause of the release. It indirectly proves that crass quote I said above and can go a long way in explaining why women stay in situations that aren't good for them. It's more than "good sex", it's an actual physiological bond that could be mother/child strong. That's some intense shit right there. Also explains why women have a harder time with casual sex than men do. Pretty interesting right? A worthy random, right?
<shaking head> I'm embarrassed, but my fingers just kept typing. But be honest Karen (Talya's mother), you found that interesting. Right? Like you rolled your eyes and let out an exasperated sigh when you first read that, but once over the shock of it - it struck up some synapses in your noggin' that you found interesting.
(sigh) Sorry. You're just gonna have to take me as I am here, because this project is a representation of how my brain works. And aren't you glad your daughter is happy?
NO! NO! ADAM! Mothers don't want to think about THAT! GODDDDDDAMNIT. What are you THINKING.
DAH. Must, get out, of this random.
6) Squirrel Song Lives
Speaking of innappropriateness and upset mothers. Check out this email:
sung to the tune of the "squirrel song"
"I'm not sure I get just how you think?
Wondrin' why you gave my son that link...
It's cute but as I saw the song unfurl...
shown to my by my 12 YEAR OLD GIRL!?!?!?!
Laughing... ADAM!!! my 14 year old son... (almost 15) loved it so much he shared it with his little sister.
You are apparently a hit with the jr high crowd now as well as the high school kids but when the parents start calling me balls roll downhill too ya know?
hahahahah! hope youre doing well.
The kid friended me on Facebook and he's 14. <throws up hands> It's game over after that. In case you missed this doozy...
7) Back on The Early Show
In a story that made me completely shake my head. I pitch the idea being the longest running video blogger about how documenting your life (like everyone is doing now on Facebook) can affect your memories, and they go with a story about how people posting only happy pictures on Facebook makes everyone sad. Huh? As if everyone's life seems happier than yours. Which I guess would be true, if the people viewing it weren't ALSO ON FACEBOOK doing the EXACT SAME THING. (sigh) Oh well, it was cool to be back on CBS... thank you to my old producer Jim who is always trying to help me out. Which of course leads to REALLY being back on CBS...
8) Letterman's Ventriloquist Week
Letterman did a couple "Ventriloquist Week"s in the past couple of years and it suddenly hit me: DUH. 21st Century Ventriloquist: The iPad Comic. Can't believe I didn't make the connection before. So I immediately contacted Vinnie (head of late night at CBS and the man who gave me Up & Adam in 2007) who is always happy to help out and he said he didn't know when they were doing it next or if they even are... but that's really not the point - the point is, Letterman likes it and I can make a bit that I know he'll actually SEE. So I'm gonna go all out. Lose about 10 pounds and use TWO iPads to do a really intense 3 minute bit that should blow people away. When he sees it, who knows - it may spur doing another week with some lesser known acts that are more creative. I think he digs doing more "Ed Sullivan" type stuff (being in the same theater) and again, I know Vinnie can get it to him. So I gotta do it. Whew. Think about it:  all 4 Egos done with two iPads that I move up or down with perfect timing while we're all talking over each other. Jesus. That's actually harder than 4tvs. My movements will have to be EXACT. Yay, challenge.
9) Heartwarming
Oh my GOD will you look at that. I'm just, so, happy for Jess and Jeff. I see the pictures of that kid and I BEAM. It's remarkable how well everything worked out, but now - how it continues is just stunning. So much happiness. Such a strong bond with both of them. Such a source of pure, unbiased, love. I knew it would be like this all those years ago when Jess and I split, but even I'm surprised at how happy a picture like that makes me.
"Your baby's eyes will heal."
Yes. They. Will.
10) Nana's cup
Memories are so unbelieveably powerful. I hadn't seen my grandmother's coffee cup in over a decade and when my mom came out to visit she brought it for me. Gulp.
So precious to me. I've become a regular coffee drinker in the past few years and it hadn't occurred to me that the memory of her drinking cofee was so strong. Seeing that cup gives me chills. In a life so documented that nothing from my past phases me anymore, seeing that symbol of my childhood was an out-of-body experience. I miss her so much. Jessica's grandmother passed a few days ago and even though we all go through it at some point it feels so unique. It's such an intense childhood type of sorrow. Your grandmother never gets older. She's always the same. And then she's gone. You see your parents change quite a bit. You witness nearly every phase of their life depending on how young they had you... but grandparents are always one image. I like that.
Alright, hello March. What have you got in store for me...