unlocked on 04.02.11
11:12 PM, Sunday, February 20th, 2011:
And one moment you look up and the label is so ridiculous you feel bad writing it: boyfriend. You've spent the last two weeks playing father-to-be. You're now rushing her to the hospital with your mother (who is in town visiting) and talking to her family like... well, like you're a husband. It's so obvious, understood, the roles are so comfortable... that it's only when filling out a form of what your relationship to the patient is you realize how ludicrous it is to write the following: boyfriend.
So Talya isn't pregnant. They believe she has viral gastroenteritis and has had it for over 2 weeks. Last night she was so dehydrated she was vomiting gatorade and we had no choice but to get her to the ER and get an IV in her. She is a bit better now, but it's still pretty bad. Worst part is she is supposed to leave for Israel on Tuesday and there's really nothing you can do for this other than wait it out and stay hydrated. It's been an exhausting couple of weeks and I'm praying she can make this trip. It's been planned for months and it's just gonna be a game-time decision. Whew.
What I'm writing about of course is what this site has been about since the beginning: character development. Documenting only the things that I think will change this comic-book character. And 100% certainty you're going to be a father for 2 weeks did that and then some. There was no hesitation, there was no fear, there was a clarity of mind and focus I long for. I took care of everything, came into my own and somehow made everyone involved (basically our parents and us) know things were going to be fine. More than fine, great. I cannot express the happiness and pure JOY to be able to focus on people other than ME. I've mentioned this before, but I always assume it falls on deaf ears because of the immensity of this project. SUUUUUUUUURE you enjoy focusing on others more Mr. Ego. Uh-huh.
Well, not only do I long for it... without it? I start to lose my freaking mind. I can't funciton. I start to spin. Spin inwards fast enough with my personality type? And you get what you got last year which was moments from tragedy. Thankfully I knew that I needed to surround myself with people to love and to give support in return. I am now, finally, me. I am a husband, I am a father, I am where I belong. No matter what the label is presently - it is the essence of who I am. I am home. I am the warmth of Sunday dinner with the family...
The million-dollar question however, is that other part of The Journey and where that leaves everything. It kills me to write this. But I absolutely, positively, no longer care. There is no drive. It's not that I don't know how to get it back and I'm looking for it... I don't give a fuck enough to even look. Now, every single time I write this I have to add: that doesn't necessarily mean it's over. I couldn't stop creating if you paid me. I cannot function without writing, singing, acting, producing, directing, creating, entertaining. But even the "Adam & The 1TV" idea? <shrugs> Seems like a lot of fucking work and I already know how it ends. That sentence should hit every person who has known me for the past 10-15 years. My entire life is doing the work of 100 men to create things so far beyond my reach at a dizzying pace. I simply, don't, care. (but the good news is I'm happy)
Is there a happy medium? Uhm, don't care. LOL. Seriously though - you never know what's comin' up next. I have some interesting leads in the next "Randoms" entry. <Last line written with shrugged shoulders, eyes half-open looking off to the side> But Adam is home. He is content. He is satisfied. And these are all things that are death to dreams. That used to scare the shit out of me. Now I couldn't be more thankful. Welcome to adulthood.
Now how to I get Talya to forget the inevitablity of everything long enough to make a proposal romantic?