And one moment you
look up and the label is so ridiculous you feel bad
writing it: boyfriend. You've spent the last two weeks
playing father-to-be. You're now rushing her to the
hospital with your mother (who is in town visiting)
and talking to her family like... well, like
you're a husband. It's so obvious, understood, the
roles are so comfortable... that it's only when
filling out a form of what your relationship to the
patient is you realize how ludicrous it is to write
the following: boyfriend.
So Talya isn't
pregnant. They believe she has viral
gastroenteritis and has had it for over 2 weeks. Last
night she was so dehydrated she was vomiting
gatorade and we had no choice but to get her to
the ER and get an IV in her. She is a bit
better now, but it's still pretty bad. Worst part is
she is supposed to leave for Israel on Tuesday and
there's really nothing you can do for this other than
wait it out and stay hydrated. It's been an exhausting
couple of weeks and I'm praying she can make this
trip. It's been planned for months and it's just gonna
be a game-time decision. Whew.
What I'm writing
about of course is what this site has been about since
the beginning: character development. Documenting only
the things that I think will change this comic-book
character. And 100% certainty you're going to be a
father for 2 weeks did that and then some. There was
no hesitation, there was no fear, there was a clarity
of mind and focus I long for. I took care of
everything, came into my own and somehow made everyone
involved (basically our parents and us) know things
were going to be fine. More than fine, great. I cannot
express the happiness and pure JOY to be able to focus
on people other than ME. I've mentioned this before,
but I always assume it falls on deaf ears because
of the immensity of this project. SUUUUUUUUURE you
enjoy focusing on others more Mr. Ego.
Uh-huh.
Well, not only do
I long for it... without it? I start to lose my
freaking mind. I can't funciton. I start to spin.
Spin inwards fast enough with my personality type? And
you get what you got last year which was moments from
tragedy. Thankfully I knew that I needed to
surround myself with people to love and to give
support in return. I am now, finally, me. I am a
husband, I am a father, I am where I belong.
No matter what the label is presently - it is the
essence of who I am. I am home. I am the
warmth of Sunday dinner with the family...
The million-dollar
question however, is that other part of The
Journey and where that leaves everything. It kills me
to write this. But I absolutely, positively, no longer
care. There is no drive. It's not that I don't know
how to get it back and I'm looking for it...
I don't give a fuck enough to even look. Now,
every single time I write this I have to add:
that doesn't necessarily mean it's over.
I couldn't stop creating if you paid me.
I cannot function without writing, singing,
acting, producing, directing, creating, entertaining.
But even the "Adam & The 1TV" idea? <shrugs>
Seems like a lot of fucking work and I already
know how it ends. That sentence should hit every
person who has known me for the past 10-15 years. My
entire life is doing the work of 100 men to create
things so far beyond my reach at a dizzying pace.
I simply, don't, care.
(but the
good news is I'm happy)
Is there a happy
medium? Uhm, don't care. LOL. Seriously though - you
never know what's comin' up next. I have some
interesting leads in the next "Randoms" entry.
<Last line written with shrugged shoulders, eyes
half-open looking off to the side> But Adam is
home. He is content. He is satisfied. And these
are all things that are death to dreams. That used to
scare the shit out of me. Now I couldn't be more
thankful. Welcome to adulthood.
Now how to
I get Talya to forget the inevitablity of
everything long enough to make a proposal romantic?
