In trying to write
my life like a novel, I've found that every decision
ever made is ripe for disaster. It's why you hold
things closer to the vest in your "real life" until
things shake out a bit. Heaven forbid you say
something and it ends up not working out. Oh how
foolish you would look then...
...except that's
the fun of the novel. Ya can't hide the crossroads. At
some point you just throw your hands up and embrace
the colorfulness of life and laugh. And when writing a
story, your readers need to be on the same page.
So:
Talya moved in (in
reality she's never left the house since I came
back from Columbus in December) and I was reminded of
that 15-year-old ditty that used to drive me batty
with Burgundie...
I have lived with
several women since this song, but a funny thing
happened today. When I initially saw the bread
in the freezer I giggled to myself at how my last
relationship had this same minor annoyance and then
realized: "Holy shit - no that was over 16 years
ago." I feel that young again. Spring, sprung... all
of that. I feel like I'm at the beginning of a
new life and absolutely everything is possible. A
reminder of something that happened SIXTEEN
YEARS ago suddenly felt like yesterday.
I spent the entire day in the backyard cleaning
things up, planning on building a deck. Been throwing
out stuff getting the house as clean and "minimal" as
humanly possible. This is how I felt when
I moved in with Burgundie for the first time.
Now, quickly before I continue on this
subject...
"Bread in the
Freezer" is an oldie to the longtime WTVN listeners
(It's on my Hearing my Thoughts CD). Burg used to buy
one loaf of bread, and put it in the freezer. Drove me
nuts. You go to the fridge to make a sandwich and
you're stuck with two options - a toasted sandwich, or
microwaving the bread and having it be all mushy.
I never understood it. It stays good for like a
WEEK in the fridge - who the hell needs it to be
fresher for longer than that? The entire song is one
of my favorites (and strangely not online - a definite
for iTunes soon) and the video seemed like a fun way
to let people know she had moved in. Now, where was
I...
This shouldn't be
possible for me. I would have been the first one to
say that this level of "belief" is unattainable after
my past. I am shocked at what's happening
to me. Jaw-dropped, dazed, stunned. I am suddenly me.
The old me... not even the old me from 2000 -
I mean less jaded than that. Everything is
so well alligned in this relationship it feels like
we're cheating. See, I'm kind of a believer that when
you are as patient and considerate as I have shown to
be throughout my life (GOD that sounds arrogant),
you are the perfect match for someone with issues. Not
that you'd seek it out, but if it comes to be? How
wonderful for them to be with someone so
understanding. With someone who will love them no
matter what and support them with all their heart. So
being with someone as easy going as me? As logical,
anti-drama, sweet, giving (the list will get
nauseating if I continue) as I try to be?
It's a little unfair. I mean - thank the
FUCK CHRIST - but I feel a bit sheepish about my
good fortune. We both feel so lucky we can barely
stand it. It's sooooooooooo easy. Man, Palaur nailed
it. She NAILED it in December 2009. From
Entry
#993 (a personal
favorite):
Now however,
the story comes full circle. An incredibly
considerate and loving husband who is in every
sense a partner. She beemed as she spoke of him.
She reveled in just how "easy" the relationship
was. And as they passed an hour talking, Adam
realized she was actually inspiring him. He was
actually stunned at how she described their
relationship. He found himself thinking: "Jesus,
this actually happens?".
She told me how
she spoke at her sister's wedding and talked about
working hard and getting through the tough times and
that now she realizes that was complete horseshit.
When it's right? It is soooooooo easy. And the funny
thing is? I knew that then and told her
over and over and over. Now here she is reminding me.
I wrote her the other day:
Something
you said at the airport in Chicago stuck with me,
on a nearly daily basis and inspired me to continue
to believe that it was possible...
"I
remember standing up at my sister's wedding
telling her how much work it was and how she had
to be strong... and it was complete bullshit. It
isn't hard at all if you're with the right
person."
Hearing that
from you? After all you had been through? Kinda
knocked me off my feet a bit. It's over 10 years
later and now I was the one that didn't believe
anymore, who thought the ability to have such a
smooth relationship had vanished because of how old
and jaded I felt. I had that smoothness with Jess
but we were 22... what the hell is there to fight
about then?
Since we
talked in Chicago, every time that I felt
hopelessness, I remembered looking at you as YOU
described this relationship scenario. Someone who I
fought constantly to make understand that it was
possible all those years ago, now inspiring and
reminding me. I heard your voice so often in 2010
as I fought through so much shit. I told myself
that whenever I find that peace with someone again,
I would write you and thank you.
Her name is
Talya. ;-)
Your words
allowed me to find her. I adore you for that. I am
so happy that anything I ever said to you resonated
even a decade later, and you have unequivocally
reminded me what to hold out for. That meeting with
you hit me pretty hard. So thank you again. And I
don't know if you ever saw the entry I wrote about
that, but I figured you would enjoy
it.
Let me get a
bit weird on you for a moment. Approximately today,
at 2:30pm, I was sitting at my parents kitchen
table and my conversation with my mother changed to
the exact topic you are writing me about. We were
talking about marriage, relationships ( my mom
trying to convince me to have another baby) and I
thought about our meeting in Chicago. I mentioned
to my mom that I had run into an old friend and he
was jaded on love and life. And then talked about
my sister's wedding.. Etc. Anyhow.. Yea.. Umm..
Yea. Get out of my head!! :)
I'm happy
that I could do something good for you in all our
years of knowing each other. Life is not as random
as most people believe.
Let your
girl know that she has something very unique and
needs to be handled with care.. God broke the mold
when he made you. :) I say that with the most
sincerity (and maybe a little
smirk).
You're
welcome my friend.
Take care..
The best is yet to come.
NOW do you guys
see why I try so desperately to maintain
friendships? To find some way to keep contact even if
it's an email once every 3 years? That exchange is
golden to me. We could be bitter about what happened,
it was a WILDLY traumatic event in our lives all
those years ago, but love somehow finds a way to rear
its head if you let it. You have to hold onto the
anger. You have to physically try and hate or be
bitter. It's why although I'm very angry with the
"narcisstic personality disorder" friend, in my heart
I know that I have some keys for her healing
and I want to share them at some point. Kind of
narcisstic of me, huh? LMFAO. Seriously though,
everyone who you touch or who touches you on a certain
level has keys to you that are invaluable. Chill on
the hate long enough and you can get 'em. And have a
beautiful email exchange like that years
later.
So have
I made it clear that this relationship is
serious? I mean, we knew pretty quickly where
this was heading, but wanted to slow down a bit... and
then Talya's roomate gave her notice and we just kind
of looked at each other and threw our hands up. :-)
Sometimes it's so smooth, you would have to have a
pretty intense issue to even stop it. We just don't
have any. The best part is? Her mom sees it. We've
spent a great deal of time with her mother (her dad
too, but more with her mom) and you just can't deny
the ease and comfort. We all just, know. Her
mom has been helping her pack as we take the month to
move stuff in and it simply couldn't feel more right.
I promise to
talk about something else very soon... but everyone
needs to know how shocking this is to me. How much
I did not believe this was possible. It keeps
getting better. It's surpassing my expectations by the
hour, and again - PEACE. A calm, knowing,
peace.
It really does
exist... but you have to be peaceful
yourself.
