8:19 PM, Tuesday, January 18th, 2011:
In trying to write my life like a novel, I've found that every decision ever made is ripe for disaster. It's why you hold things closer to the vest in your "real life" until things shake out a bit. Heaven forbid you say something and it ends up not working out. Oh how foolish you would look then...
...except that's the fun of the novel. Ya can't hide the crossroads. At some point you just throw your hands up and embrace the colorfulness of life and laugh. And when writing a story, your readers need to be on the same page. So:
Talya moved in (in reality she's never left the house since I came back from Columbus in December) and I was reminded of that 15-year-old ditty that used to drive me batty with Burgundie...
I have lived with several women since this song, but a funny thing happened today. When I initially saw the bread in the freezer I giggled to myself at how my last relationship had this same minor annoyance and then realized:  "Holy shit - no that was over 16 years ago." I feel that young again. Spring, sprung... all of that. I feel like I'm at the beginning of a new life and absolutely everything is possible. A reminder of something that happened SIXTEEN YEARS ago suddenly felt like yesterday. I spent the entire day in the backyard cleaning things up, planning on building a deck. Been throwing out stuff getting the house as clean and "minimal" as humanly possible. This is how I felt when I moved in with Burgundie for the first time. Now, quickly before I continue on this subject...
"Bread in the Freezer" is an oldie to the longtime WTVN listeners (It's on my Hearing my Thoughts CD). Burg used to buy one loaf of bread, and put it in the freezer. Drove me nuts. You go to the fridge to make a sandwich and you're stuck with two options - a toasted sandwich, or microwaving the bread and having it be all mushy. I never understood it. It stays good for like a WEEK in the fridge - who the hell needs it to be fresher for longer than that? The entire song is one of my favorites (and strangely not online - a definite for iTunes soon) and the video seemed like a fun way to let people know she had moved in. Now, where was I...
This shouldn't be possible for me. I would have been the first one to say that this level of "belief" is unattainable after my past. I am shocked at what's happening to me. Jaw-dropped, dazed, stunned. I am suddenly me. The old me... not even the old me from 2000 - I mean less jaded than that. Everything is so well alligned in this relationship it feels like we're cheating. See, I'm kind of a believer that when you are as patient and considerate as I have shown to be throughout my life (GOD that sounds arrogant), you are the perfect match for someone with issues. Not that you'd seek it out, but if it comes to be? How wonderful for them to be with someone so understanding. With someone who will love them no matter what and support them with all their heart. So being with someone as easy going as me? As logical, anti-drama, sweet, giving (the list will get nauseating if I continue) as I try to be? It's a little unfair. I mean - thank the FUCK CHRIST - but I feel a bit sheepish about my good fortune. We both feel so lucky we can barely stand it. It's sooooooooooo easy. Man, Palaur nailed it. She NAILED it in December 2009. From Entry #993 (a personal favorite):
Now however, the story comes full circle. An incredibly considerate and loving husband who is in every sense a partner. She beemed as she spoke of him. She reveled in just how "easy" the relationship was. And as they passed an hour talking, Adam realized she was actually inspiring him. He was actually stunned at how she described their relationship. He found himself thinking: "Jesus, this actually happens?".
She told me how she spoke at her sister's wedding and talked about working hard and getting through the tough times and that now she realizes that was complete horseshit. When it's right? It is soooooooo easy. And the funny thing is?  I knew that then and told her over and over and over. Now here she is reminding me. I wrote her the other day:
Something you said at the airport in Chicago stuck with me, on a nearly daily basis and inspired me to continue to believe that it was possible...
"I remember standing up at my sister's wedding telling her how much work it was and how she had to be strong... and it was complete bullshit. It isn't hard at all if you're with the right person."
Hearing that from you? After all you had been through? Kinda knocked me off my feet a bit. It's over 10 years later and now I was the one that didn't believe anymore, who thought the ability to have such a smooth relationship had vanished because of how old and jaded I felt. I had that smoothness with Jess but we were 22... what the hell is there to fight about then?
Since we talked in Chicago, every time that I felt hopelessness, I remembered looking at you as YOU described this relationship scenario. Someone who I fought constantly to make understand that it was possible all those years ago, now inspiring and reminding me. I heard your voice so often in 2010 as I fought through so much shit. I told myself that whenever I find that peace with someone again, I would write you and thank you.
Her name is Talya. ;-)
Your words allowed me to find her. I adore you for that. I am so happy that anything I ever said to you resonated even a decade later, and you have unequivocally reminded me what to hold out for. That meeting with you hit me pretty hard. So thank you again. And I don't know if you ever saw the entry I wrote about that, but I figured you would enjoy it.
Her reply:
Let me get a bit weird on you for a moment. Approximately today, at 2:30pm, I was sitting at my parents kitchen table and my conversation with my mother changed to the exact topic you are writing me about. We were talking about marriage, relationships ( my mom trying to convince me to have another baby) and I thought about our meeting in Chicago. I mentioned to my mom that I had run into an old friend and he was jaded on love and life. And then talked about my sister's wedding.. Etc. Anyhow.. Yea.. Umm.. Yea. Get out of my head!! :)
I'm happy that I could do something good for you in all our years of knowing each other. Life is not as random as most people believe.
Let your girl know that she has something very unique and needs to be handled with care.. God broke the mold when he made you. :) I say that with the most sincerity (and maybe a little smirk).
You're welcome my friend.
Take care.. The best is yet to come.
NOW do you guys see why I try so desperately to maintain friendships? To find some way to keep contact even if it's an email once every 3 years? That exchange is golden to me. We could be bitter about what happened, it was a WILDLY traumatic event in our lives all those years ago, but love somehow finds a way to rear its head if you let it. You have to hold onto the anger. You have to physically try and hate or be bitter. It's why although I'm very angry with the "narcisstic personality disorder" friend, in my heart I know that I have some keys for her healing and I want to share them at some point. Kind of narcisstic of me, huh? LMFAO. Seriously though, everyone who you touch or who touches you on a certain level has keys to you that are invaluable. Chill on the hate long enough and you can get 'em. And have a beautiful email exchange like that years later.
So have I made it clear that this relationship is serious? I mean, we knew pretty quickly where this was heading, but wanted to slow down a bit... and then Talya's roomate gave her notice and we just kind of looked at each other and threw our hands up. :-) Sometimes it's so smooth, you would have to have a pretty intense issue to even stop it. We just don't have any. The best part is? Her mom sees it. We've spent a great deal of time with her mother (her dad too, but more with her mom) and you just can't deny the ease and comfort. We all just, know. Her mom has been helping her pack as we take the month to move stuff in and it simply couldn't feel more right.
I promise to talk about something else very soon... but everyone needs to know how shocking this is to me. How much I did not believe this was possible. It keeps getting better. It's surpassing my expectations by the hour, and again - PEACE. A calm, knowing, peace.
It really does exist... but you have to be peaceful yourself.