If you're in a the
opening stages of a relationship and want to test it?
Go see Blue Valentine. It'll make or break it
really quick. It's a very simple story showing
the beginning of a relationship and years later the
end of a relationship and cutting between them. For a
guy like me? It was an excruciating reminder of how
much you believe in the beginning and how
little that matters in the end. She can look you in
your eye, believe with all of her heart that it is
forever and years later fall completely out of love
and change her mind... and men can do the exact same
thing.
Now interestingly,
this was a screening with a Q&A with Ryan Gosling
afterward. I was honestly too devastated at the
end of the movie to ask a question (or to get a
picture with him as others were doing, sorry for being
a bad "Journey" story-teller), but a lady asked a
question that reminded me of how strong the need is
for most people to control the very things we can't.
Although everything in the movie shows how much the
woman loved him at the beginning, and then was
out-of-love at the end - the lady asking the question
convinced herself she never loved him, and that's why
it didn't work out. "When you marry someone you're not
in love with" was how she saw it. It's such a common
"rewrite" of relationship history that even if you're
shown that it wasn't true? Some people can't handle
that. The only way they can move ahead is to
rationalize it that way, and focus on being "in-love"
the next time so that doesn't happen. My personal
experience with my first wife, Burgundie, and her "I
was the bride at my best friend's wedding" line
instantly came to mind. Ryan was kind and used the old
"you can take whatever you want from it, people see it
from their own perspective, etc.", but jeeeeeeeesus
was that a psychological mirror, because there were no
such scenes in the film. The cold hard truth is it's
not really in your control. You can never make "the
right choice". You can make an educated guess, but
there is no right choice because a relationship
involves a variable that is uncontrollable: a human.
If I chose to marry CeBe, all would be well...
and that is because CeBe is a dog.
Talya of course
was sitting next to me thinking: "Oh for the love of
fuck, why did I pick this movie to take him to."
Ha. She suddenly understood what I had been trying to
tell her for months now. And if that surprises you,
maybe that should be a bit of insight into how
I operate. There is very little
"honeymoon" period for me in a relationship. The
reason things move fast with me? It's not because
I get swept up in love and just jump while gazing
into the eyes of the woman I'm with... it's because
I do the opposite and talk about the serious shit
up front. We may be floating downstream, but the
conversation in the raft is the potential boulders a
mile ahead. Now it's an even-handed distribution of
floating/talking, but I don't waste a lot of time. I
talk about concerns immediately and it has a lot to do
with why I maintain friendships for so long: no
one feels betrayed or blindsided.
My biggest concern
with Talya is that she's accustomed to a lifestyle
that I will probably never be able to provide. I
personally don't give a shit, because I've never
wanted that. The only financial thing I've ever
actually wanted is the ability to keep my
house. After that? I want the ability to create and
produce art... and just love. These are the things
that fuel me. Now, she says that lifestyle is not
important to her and I believe she believes
that... right now. In ten years when all of her
friends are doing things she can't do, and her
friend's kids are getting opportunities that her kids
aren't? Something tells me she's not gonna look at me
and love how well I sing. She's gonna want to
burn my piano for all it represents...
maybe.
Now, this is a new
and bizarre situation for me because everyone I've
ever been with had friends/family surrounding them
that were all part of the "struggle". All in similar
tax brackets, fighting the good fight, so the
dissatisfaction level doesn't come up as much because
it's relative. However, if all of your closest friends
marry lawyers, doctors or millionaires in real-estate?
That "cool" artsy dude is gonna be decidedly
uncool in a few years. Oh it's exciting now. It
represents everything that those other guys
don't. It represents going after your dreams,
believing in yourself, romantic risks, talent! Beauty!
AHHHH!!! LOVE!!!
...in ten years it
represents struggle, heartache and resentment. Again,
maybe. I know this isn't an absolute truth, but ya
gotta admit I make a pretty impressive point. And
this movie showed that to a T. Totally different
situations, but what she loved about him in the
beginning is no longer true once real life sets in
through no fault of his. He never claimed to be
anything more and simply promised to love her. And he
most certainly did.
We walked out and
Talya was noticeably concerned. I said that I
felt like I was the "end of the relationship"
man, trying to talk to the "beginning of the
relationship" woman and was struggling to convey
what I saw. She understood and was certain I was about
to cut things off. To the point of tears when I
didn't. And why didn't I? Because I looked at her
and still believed. Not with my heart (that believed
long ago), but with my head. I believe she
gets it. I mean, the woman has simply never wavered
from her calm, confident acceptance of reality. She's
so logical I still check for a penis from time to
time. I've thankfully not found one, but at this point
even if I did I'd probably still go for
it.
Lines like that are
like a mini-reward for reading the whole entry.
:-)
So there's simply
no other way to say it: I believe. This is
serious. And as I quoted "Tropic Thunder" to
Talya last night when I made this video: "I'm
going full retard." No more Adam-lite. I'm putting my
full energy into making this relationship incredible.
This is the most stable, loving connection I've made
with a woman since Jessica left in 2004.
I believe.
Now, is it too
soon to post this publically? Of course it is. Which
is exactly why you continue to read.
