Entry #1111 on
1/1/11. Love Journey timing sometimes...
Oh, sweet, sweet
black background. I have missed the hell out of
you. And yes, the new entry bar is an homage to the
iPad. That little bitch actually changed my life. The
irony of being a mac-hater my entire life isn't lost
on me... but I've always been happy to show the egg on
my face. ;-)
So before
I start this entry, I have to show you how
my new year started (on said iPad). Tell me this isn't
the nicest start to the new year
you
could ever ask for.
(I hope
you really read all those)
!!!! Can you
believe how kind those were? Dave used my Gary/Adam
bit to start off the entire Awards Show and then threw
that in in the middle. Wow. Nothing beats a threadful
of love to start off the new year. And of course, it's
the song that has inspired so much of what I'm excited
for to start 2011. I'm so goddamn happy it's 2011
I can't even tell you. A new year on The Journey
is always such "chapter change" in the way it looks
and feels and the tradition of it is really cleansing.
In fact this entry's video is usually a clip from my
yearend drinking video, but not only did my camera
break and I'm not able to get the footage off - it was
done on the 23rd... and incredibly, my outlook has
changed in the final week. Instead of redoing the
drinking video with my other tapeless camera,
I decided to do this...
I know,
I know. That's awfully familar and some might
even say sacrilegious but the truth is? That was the
truth. It's what I like to do on New Year's.
I mean, I can't avoid making a video like
this for the rest of my life just because that's such
a symbol of me and Jess. In reality, you know what
it's a symbol of? Contentment. Happiness. Peace. And
when you start off a year like that? Everything is
possible. Everything.
I'm shocked at how
much hope I have considering the outcome of the
video on the 23rd: "I just don't give a shit." I
was still in that depression, still in that soup of
discontentment where you feel as if none of your
actions are even creating a ripple. And if you can't
get anyone to hear you anymore? You stop caring to
even try. This begs the question, of why and if it's
even reasonable that someone being kind to me can
change my outlook so drastically. You never want to
put all your eggs in one basket, but it's a little
more than that. Gotta try and explain this, because
it's such a sea change for me.
When I met Talya I
said, very clearly, "I do not want a relationship,
I cannot function in one and most certainly would
be miserable to be around if I was in one" she
smiled, agreed and understood. And she wasn't full of
shit. Oh I've had others say they understood that, but
in reality they understood it for about 2 weeks and
then blew the fuck up because they weren't getting
what they wanted. No, she really agreed... and she
still thought I was wonderful. She still thought
I was amazing. She watched my story and still
hugged me. Not because she wanted anything from me,
she just really liked me. She enjoyed what I had to
give and didn't focus on what I couldn't
give.
And
suddenly? I felt like enough. To at least
one person? What I could give was enough. And they
never asked for more than I could give.
And at no time did I feel like I had to
"jump" for something. I just continued floating and
ended up down the river anyway without having to dive
off a waterfall. Duh. That's how it's supposed to
happen. I'm not the broken man I felt like all of
2010. I'm honestly not scarred from my past. I just
needed to be accepted as I was. And that changed
everything. Now, I give a shit. A lot of
shits actually. What will 2011 bring?
1)
The fire to finish The Journey Documentary is back.
I happened upon (GOD this is a goldmine) a
bunch of recordings I made of my Grand Piano in
2005 of various Journey songs without vocals. And
guess what that means? All those copyrighted songs
I've been laboring over removing will easily be
replaced by original music that is on a real
Yamaha C7 Grand Piano. It won't sound like some
cheesy keyboard bullshit that you hear on
instructional videos... it will sound legitimate.
WHEW. I'm also in such a better headspace to tackle
that project and make it as entertaining as
possible while dealing with some sad stuff. You
can't be depressed and put that together. It's hard
enough already. Doing it at your lowest point is
torture. No more. I'm gonna look into having a
viewing in Columbus on April 1st, 2011.
<shrugs> A year late. Watcha gonna do.
:-)
2)
Of course the music show is in my head now (and
I am seriously considering calling it "Adam
& The 1TV" 'cause it's just funny), but venues
are more of the concern. I'm gonna have to rent out
theaters and sell seats. This just isn't going to
be a bar/restaurant type show. I'm telling stories,
not providing background. I think I can also
provide background too... but I want to put
together an hour show that, heh, takes people on a
journey in a unique way. I'll figure it
out.
3)
I'm still eyein' TV stuff. That's a bit
further out of my control. As I mentioned in
the previous entry, the agency I switched to
thanks to "Palmolive" hasn't sent me out since and
there's just not a lot I can do. It's funny,
Talya is union and her agent says she can't send
her out because there's so much non-union work, I'm
non-union and I can't be sent out because it's
all union. Don't you love this game? Where you
can't even audition? But I haven't given up on
TV stuff, I'm just focusing on the things
I control.
4)
The iPad Comic - great idea at a horrible time in
my life. I'm gonna find a way to do more videos.
I think performing it live is next to
impossible because of the issues with angles and
lighting. Something I ran into with 4tvs in
certain comedy clubs. People HAVE to be directly in
front to see the show. This will be an internet bit
and honestly? That's probably where it will work
best. Live stuff is gonna funnel to music for the
time being.
That's what I'm
focused on, but this entry isn't about specifics...
it's always about predictions. Looking back it's
always a coin-flip, but I gotta say the whole even/odd
year thing has been so dead-on during The Journey ya
kinda have to throw your hands up. Every odd year has
been good, every even year has been bad with the only
caveat being the CBS break in 2006. So, yeah -
I have high hopes for 2011. I'm to the point now
where so much of what I can do is "out there"
that at any moment I believe a break is
possible. History tells me this will be a good year,
so Itip my hat to that and once again do all
I can to make it so.
Thankfully I'm in
a headspace to fight. Long live the ability to love
and be naive again.
