1:11 PM, Saturday, January 1st, 2011:
Entry #1111 on 1/1/11. Love Journey timing sometimes...
Oh, sweet, sweet black background. I have missed the hell out of you. And yes, the new entry bar is an homage to the iPad. That little bitch actually changed my life. The irony of being a mac-hater my entire life isn't lost on me... but I've always been happy to show the egg on my face. ;-)
So before I start this entry, I have to show you how my new year started (on said iPad). Tell me this isn't the nicest start to the new year you could ever ask for.
(I hope you really read all those)
!!!! Can you believe how kind those were? Dave used my Gary/Adam bit to start off the entire Awards Show and then threw that in in the middle. Wow. Nothing beats a threadful of love to start off the new year. And of course, it's the song that has inspired so much of what I'm excited for to start 2011. I'm so goddamn happy it's 2011 I can't even tell you. A new year on The Journey is always such "chapter change" in the way it looks and feels and the tradition of it is really cleansing. In fact this entry's video is usually a clip from my yearend drinking video, but not only did my camera break and I'm not able to get the footage off - it was done on the 23rd... and incredibly, my outlook has changed in the final week. Instead of redoing the drinking video with my other tapeless camera, I decided to do this...
I know, I know. That's awfully familar and some might even say sacrilegious but the truth is? That was the truth. It's what I like to do on New Year's. I mean, I can't avoid making a video like this for the rest of my life just because that's such a symbol of me and Jess. In reality, you know what it's a symbol of? Contentment. Happiness. Peace. And when you start off a year like that? Everything is possible. Everything.
I'm shocked at how much hope I have considering the outcome of the video on the 23rd:  "I just don't give a shit." I was still in that depression, still in that soup of discontentment where you feel as if none of your actions are even creating a ripple. And if you can't get anyone to hear you anymore? You stop caring to even try. This begs the question, of why and if it's even reasonable that someone being kind to me can change my outlook so drastically. You never want to put all your eggs in one basket, but it's a little more than that. Gotta try and explain this, because it's such a sea change for me.
When I met Talya I said, very clearly, "I do not want a relationship, I cannot function in one and most certainly would be miserable to be around if I was in one" she smiled, agreed and understood. And she wasn't full of shit. Oh I've had others say they understood that, but in reality they understood it for about 2 weeks and then blew the fuck up because they weren't getting what they wanted. No, she really agreed... and she still thought I was wonderful. She still thought I was amazing. She watched my story and still hugged me. Not because she wanted anything from me, she just really liked me. She enjoyed what I had to give and didn't focus on what I couldn't give.
And suddenly?  I felt like enough. To at least one person? What I could give was enough. And they never asked for more than I could give. And at no time did I feel like I had to "jump" for something. I just continued floating and ended up down the river anyway without having to dive off a waterfall. Duh. That's how it's supposed to happen. I'm not the broken man I felt like all of 2010. I'm honestly not scarred from my past. I just needed to be accepted as I was. And that changed everything. Now, I give a shit. A lot of shits actually. What will 2011 bring?
1) The fire to finish The Journey Documentary is back. I happened upon (GOD this is a goldmine) a bunch of recordings I made of my Grand Piano in 2005 of various Journey songs without vocals. And guess what that means? All those copyrighted songs I've been laboring over removing will easily be replaced by original music that is on a real Yamaha C7 Grand Piano. It won't sound like some cheesy keyboard bullshit that you hear on instructional videos... it will sound legitimate. WHEW. I'm also in such a better headspace to tackle that project and make it as entertaining as possible while dealing with some sad stuff. You can't be depressed and put that together. It's hard enough already. Doing it at your lowest point is torture. No more. I'm gonna look into having a viewing in Columbus on April 1st, 2011. <shrugs> A year late. Watcha gonna do. :-)
2) Of course the music show is in my head now (and I am seriously considering calling it "Adam & The 1TV" 'cause it's just funny), but venues are more of the concern. I'm gonna have to rent out theaters and sell seats. This just isn't going to be a bar/restaurant type show. I'm telling stories, not providing background. I think I can also provide background too... but I want to put together an hour show that, heh, takes people on a journey in a unique way. I'll figure it out.
3) I'm still eyein' TV stuff. That's a bit further out of my control. As I mentioned in the previous entry, the agency I switched to thanks to "Palmolive" hasn't sent me out since and there's just not a lot I can do. It's funny, Talya is union and her agent says she can't send her out because there's so much non-union work, I'm non-union and I can't be sent out because it's all union. Don't you love this game? Where you can't even audition? But I haven't given up on TV stuff, I'm just focusing on the things I control.
4) The iPad Comic - great idea at a horrible time in my life. I'm gonna find a way to do more videos. I think performing it live is next to impossible because of the issues with angles and lighting. Something I ran into with 4tvs in certain comedy clubs. People HAVE to be directly in front to see the show. This will be an internet bit and honestly? That's probably where it will work best. Live stuff is gonna funnel to music for the time being.
That's what I'm focused on, but this entry isn't about specifics... it's always about predictions. Looking back it's always a coin-flip, but I gotta say the whole even/odd year thing has been so dead-on during The Journey ya kinda have to throw your hands up. Every odd year has been good, every even year has been bad with the only caveat being the CBS break in 2006. So, yeah - I have high hopes for 2011. I'm to the point now where so much of what I can do is "out there" that at any moment I believe a break is possible. History tells me this will be a good year, so Itip my hat to that and once again do all I can to make it so.
Thankfully I'm in a headspace to fight. Long live the ability to love and be naive again.
Happy New Year.