Entry #1110
12:01 AM, December 31st, 2010:
Yes I'm doing this as soon as humanly possible into the last day of the year so I never, ever, ever, ever have to type in this fucking white box, or see 2010 in the time. This year knocked me down in every possible facet and never let up until literally this week. This video is incredibly difficult to watch and not only wasn't this a dramatization of this year... it was actually far worse than any video I can show. Here is the final video blog of 2010:
I guess all's well that ends well but pardon me if I'm seeing the glass half empty after that video. There's always gonna be years like this in life, but never before has every single facet (personal/financial/career) struck so brazenly at the same time. When you get a call that your dog is dying while on the other side of the country at a friend's funeral who unexpectedly drown? It's one of those years. It begins however with a foundation of isolation so acute I actually can't remember it fully.
Being passed over, not just by Comedy Central, but by your biggest supporters is always shocking. Especially when you did nothing but one-up every expectation they had for you. Suddenly you can prepare package after package with things for them to view and you are ignored. One by one they fell this year. The pass on "Four" was expected after that. And this entire isolation, out-of-money, total depression occuring with a home life that got worse by the hour because I was living with a woman who was also going through the worst period of her life and we had a shoestring connection at best. Then she loses her job at the end of January and we spend 24-7 together? Oh this is a happy scene. Throw in a legitimate stalker whose goal it was to make me commit suicide and then have him successfully get my wikipedia page removed? I'm just not sure I've known a lower moment. And believe it or not? It gets worse.
A mentor and friend from my old radio station, Andyman, drowns while on vacation with family and as I mention above, Roxy dies while I'm back in Columbus at the funeral. Then throw-in what seemed like a needed vacation with a beautiful girl in The Channel Islands that leaves a hole in me so big when she leaves I start to spiral. A scratchy cell phone video of the aftermath of my Indiana Jones drinking video starts to play like a future vision of a drug overdose and I enter a place of isolation so dangerous that I made final calls to people and only sleep kept me from harming myself. I don't think anyone knows how bad off I was and I now know that if I don't start focusing on what is best for me... I won't make it.
Must be bizarre for people to read considering this entire site reads like a giant "Doing what's best for me" account, but that's certainly not how it feels. The difference between me and the "me" in this story is drastic. I feel a responsibility to my talents and this story I've told for 11 years that crosses the line consistently with what is good for me. I don't know how to stop it. I made this picture awhile back to explain it...
That still is from The Journey documentary shoot which also kicked my ever-lovin' ass this year because it invloves me talking to 2000 Adam which means bringing up EVERYTHING. It's nearly too much for anyone to take.
Then at my most depressed, with thoughts of suicide becoming as nonchalant as taking a shit I meet "Palmolive" and feel a happy, smiling energy that had been painfully missing in my life. As fate would have it, it was that familiar manic energy of someone hiding a string of issues that would trickle out in a matter of days - but not before we would become entangled professionally. Before it was over I had switched agencies and although they didn't drop me when she cut ties, I was never sent out on an audition again.
So I jumped out of a plane with a sense of calm that only someone who wants to die could muster. Want is probably too strong, I simply didn't care.
During this time I saw a friend in a new light only to have her slam me once again for my inability to commit. Baffles me to this day that someone could be so selfish. I was more likely to commit suicide than to commit to her, and she was always there to tell me how little I could give her. Culminating with a phone call telling me that her therapist thought I had narcisstic personality disorder. That helped. (sigh) That was the moment I cut all ties and amazingly? My entire life changed.
That was the day Jessica's baby was born. Seeing that baby made my entire year. Made possible because my first wife, Burgundie, helped me with a ticket back home at a later date. The generosity of this situation reminded me just how special these two women were in my life - and how special I must be to them. I was so happy for Jess and Jeff that I cried as I held little Zoe because something I did worked out. A choice that I made was the right choice. The culmination of my story with Jess was as heartwarming as anything I've ever known. Without a doubt, I want kids. And holding Zoe made me believe it's gonna happen.
And then an unbelieveable job offer that is still standing but very, very locked right now gave me the tiniest hop in my step... I get home and write a song that oozes such sincerity and pain it inspires me to design a new live show and put my songs on iTunes. And suddenly I look up and there's someone next to me who has floated downstream for two months and didn't think I was the least bit broken, or anything but perfect.
I said I couldn't commit, Talya said neither could she. I didn't want a relationship for the foreseeable future, and she totally agreed and understood. She had a helluva past as well and welcomed the lack of pressure...
...and guess what happens when you aren't constantly badgered for how broken you are? When you aren't hounded for not being able to commit to just one person? You (wait for it...) FLOAT. DOWN. STREAM. And you float downstream together. Peace. Finally some fucking peace. Mellow, kind, sweet, merciful, ever-loving, mother-fucking peace.
Peace. I just like typing the word: peace. My heart is at peace and it makes all the upheavel and insanity that is the rest of my life seem surmountable. I just needed one facet to float... I can handle the rest. This is the year I lost everything and watched it pile on by the second. And at the tail end one portion stopped spinning out of control. It is mind-blowing I could feel lucky at the end of this year, but I do...
...however, I still want it to be over, and I can't wait to write the final sentence of the year:
Fuck you 2010, I beat you.