Yes I'm doing this
as soon as humanly possible into the last day of the
year so I never, ever, ever, ever have to type in this
fucking white box, or see 2010 in the time. This year
knocked me down in every possible facet and never let
up until literally this week. This video is
incredibly difficult to watch and not only wasn't this
a dramatization of this year... it was actually far
worse than any video I can show. Here is the
final video blog of 2010:
I guess all's
well that ends well but pardon me if I'm seeing the
glass half empty after that video. There's always
gonna be years like this in life, but never before has
every single facet (personal/financial/career) struck
so brazenly at the same time. When you get a call that
your dog is dying while on the other side of the
country at a friend's funeral who unexpectedly drown?
It's one of those years. It begins however with a
foundation of isolation so acute I actually can't
remember it fully.
Being passed over,
not just by Comedy Central, but by your biggest
supporters is always shocking. Especially when you did
nothing but one-up every expectation they had for you.
Suddenly you can prepare package after package with
things for them to view and you are ignored. One by
one they fell this year. The pass on "Four" was
expected after that. And this entire isolation,
out-of-money, total depression occuring with a home
life that got worse by the hour because I was
living with a woman who was also going through the
worst period of her life and we had a shoestring
connection at best. Then she loses her job at the end
of January and we spend 24-7 together? Oh this is a
happy scene. Throw in a legitimate stalker whose goal
it was to make me commit suicide and then have him
successfully get my wikipedia page removed? I'm just
not sure I've known a lower moment. And believe it or
not? It gets worse.
A mentor and
friend from my old radio station, Andyman, drowns
while on vacation with family and as I mention
above, Roxy dies while I'm back in Columbus at the
funeral. Then throw-in what seemed like a needed
vacation with a beautiful girl in The Channel Islands
that leaves a hole in me so big when she leaves I
start to spiral. A scratchy cell phone video of the
aftermath of my Indiana Jones drinking video starts to
play like a future vision of a drug overdose and
I enter a place of isolation so dangerous that
I made final calls to people and only sleep kept
me from harming myself. I don't think anyone
knows how bad off I was and I now know that if
I don't start focusing on what is best for me...
I won't make it.
Must be bizarre
for people to read considering this entire site reads
like a giant "Doing what's best for me" account, but
that's certainly not how it feels. The difference
between me and the "me" in this story is drastic.
I feel a responsibility to my talents and this story
I've told for 11 years that crosses the line
consistently with what is good for me. I don't know
how to stop it. I made this picture awhile back to
explain it...
That still is from The Journey
documentary shoot which also kicked my ever-lovin' ass
this year because it invloves me talking to 2000 Adam
which means bringing up EVERYTHING. It's nearly too
much for anyone to take.
Then at my most depressed, with
thoughts of suicide becoming as nonchalant as taking a
shit I meet "Palmolive" and feel a happy, smiling
energy that had been painfully missing in my life. As
fate would have it, it was that familiar manic energy
of someone hiding a string of issues that would
trickle out in a matter of days - but not before we
would become entangled professionally. Before it was
over I had switched agencies and although they
didn't drop me when she cut ties, I was never
sent out on an audition again.
Whew.
So I jumped out of a plane
with a sense of calm that only someone who wants to
die could muster. Want is probably too strong, I
simply didn't care.
During this time I saw a
friend in a new light only to have her slam me once
again for my inability to commit. Baffles me to this
day that someone could be so selfish. I was more
likely to commit suicide than to commit to her, and
she was always there to tell me how little
I could give her. Culminating with a phone call
telling me that her therapist thought I had
narcisstic personality disorder. That helped. (sigh)
That was the moment I cut all ties and amazingly?
My entire life changed.
That was the day Jessica's baby
was born. Seeing that baby made my entire year. Made
possible because my first wife, Burgundie, helped me
with a ticket back home at a later date. The
generosity of this situation reminded me just how
special these two women were in my life - and how
special I must be to them. I was so happy
for Jess and Jeff that I cried as I held little
Zoe because something I did worked out. A choice
that I made was the right choice. The culmination
of my story with Jess was as heartwarming as anything
I've ever known. Without a doubt, I want kids.
And holding Zoe made me believe it's gonna happen.
And then an unbelieveable job
offer that is still standing but very, very locked
right now gave me the tiniest hop in my step...
I get home and write a song that oozes such
sincerity and pain it inspires me to design a new live
show and put my songs on iTunes. And suddenly
I look up and there's someone next to me who has
floated downstream for two months and didn't think
I was the least bit broken, or anything but
perfect.
I said
I couldn't commit, Talya said neither
could she. I didn't want a relationship
for the foreseeable future, and she
totally agreed and understood. She had a
helluva past as well and welcomed the lack
of pressure...
...and guess what
happens when you aren't constantly
badgered for how broken you are? When you
aren't hounded for not being able to
commit to just one person? You (wait for
it...) FLOAT. DOWN. STREAM. And you float
downstream together. Peace. Finally some
fucking peace. Mellow, kind, sweet,
merciful, ever-loving, mother-fucking
peace.
Peace. I just
like typing the word: peace. My heart is
at peace and it makes all the upheavel and
insanity that is the rest of my life seem
surmountable. I just needed one facet to
float... I can handle the rest. This
is the year I lost everything and
watched it pile on by the second. And at
the tail end one portion stopped spinning
out of control. It is mind-blowing I could
feel lucky at the end of this year, but I
do...
...however, I still want it
to be over, and I can't wait to write the final
sentence of the year:
