Entry #1107
1:45 PM, December 27th, 2010:
I'm hoping I can accurately portray this. The irony feels like writing a blog on my hatred of blogs... and, jesus, I've even done that haven't I. (sigh)
The utmost truth is, I don't want to write this... but it's the truth and I feel bound to it. I am SICK OF FUCKING READING IT, but it's the truth and I feel bound to it. I am HURTING MY CAREER BY MAKING THIS PUBLIC, but it's the truth and I feel bound to it. My hope is, that this is just one of those infamous Journey Valleys that are so interesting to look back on because it all gets better. However having lived those? This feels very different.
As usual, it's based in logic... but it's logic I used to defy. I announce the big show idea and have been looking at the cheapest ways to pull this off. Trying desperately to get it at the $1000 mark. $4-500 for the digital piano, $4-500 for the TV and $100 for the media player. Found an after-Christmas sale for a $399 LG 42 inch 1080p TV, no sales tax. Great start.
I get there, and it's the worst electronics store you've ever been in. One of those "have-to-have-a-salesman-help-you-cheat-you-at-every-corner" places. I get an order slip for the TV and when they ring it up: sales tax. I mention it, she says they took the sales tax out of the price of the TV (sigh). I explain what the ad said, and she then says "this is a special product". A manager comes up and says "no, it's because it's a doorbuster". We walk to the ad, I read it to him it says quite clearly: "Free sales tax on ALL flat screen TVs, excludes all other doorbusters." He reads it back to me and leaves out the word "other". I express that the word "other" is the KEY WORD. I will get slightly racist here and express that I wasn't going to argue the grammar of the sentence when he could barely speak english. They're gonna win this fight. It was a common scam when you go to smaller stores and I was the 3rd unhappy person (in a line of 8 waiting) and the store had been open 5 minutes. I just left and picked up a media player that I'm still toying with to see if it'll work for the show. Still mind blowing to me that a tiny little box can play my HD files better than my laptop could for $99.
I get home and look up TVs, and even with the other place trying to rip me off? There's nothing even close to the price available online. So I really should've just taken that deal. UGH. Then I go to load footage from my camera (also remarkably crucial for the show and, well, my whole life) and suddenly it has the same freaking mechanical issue I had with the camera this replaced. Some bizarre mechanical issue with Canon HV20s that tells you to remove the cassette even when there's no cassette in there. I know, I should be well past tape and I do have a camera that does digital files, but the picture is head and shoulders better on the HV20 and beyond that - I have a hundred HD tapes that I need access to. I had JUST bought this camera on craigslist (they don't make it anymore) and it was in MINT condition. I go online and see that indeed several people have had this issue with their HV20s on seemingly no use. They just insert a tape one day - it gives that warning and then you can never load another tape. I've tried to clean the heads, do everything possible, and unfortunately it's a ridiculously expensive mechanical issue. More than the price of a new camera (which is why I just bought a new camera online this summer).
And then it starts: the logic. What the fuck am I doing? To say I have no money is to say I'm not gonna score 30 points for the Lakers tomorrow night. I'm WELL BEYOND no money, so what am I doing? There is no business model with this show, this is no CAREER model with this show. There just isn't. I think of my dad's band he put together. The man is 60 and he's still doing projects. I sit in wonder at his ability to believe in another project... and then I remember: "oh yeah, there actually is logical potential that they will get paid". There is an actual business model. Now, I believe they do it more for the fun of it than the money, but imagine how quickly that fun goes away when you spend hundreds if not thousands of dollars you don't have... and then, not only will you not get paid to perform (nevermind the hours upon hours of work it takes to put together the show), you will have to PAY for the privilege of performing. And? You're not really doing this for your career (as I was with 4tvs - something I believed would get me to another level). A sane person doesn't do that. You HAVE to have one of the two. Either you see it taking you somewhere, or you're getting paid. I can't even use the shaky THIRD reason which is exposing more people to this site. Why?
'CAUSE WHO WANTS TO READ THIS SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT? I don't even want to. When I spoke to Gary last week, that came up. It's funny he mentioned it as if I didn't already know this, but he's one of the people that after the last big letdown with Comedy Central... just let go. Like, can't follow it anymore. People get into The Journey because they see the talent, they like it or me, and they wanna see me make it. Then things get goin'... something breaks... everyone gets excited, viewership gets bigger? And then SLAM. Done. Gone. Entries upon entries of woe. Whoop. E. Everyone abandons it. With good fuckin' reason. People have their own shitty lives, they don't need to follow mine. And I don't begrudge them at all. How can I? I don't want to WRITE THIS. LOL.
I know, I know - so don't, right? Then what the hell has been the point for 11 years? I announced the show, I'm accountable to that. Just say "meh, don't wanna" and move on? Am I not trying to tell a story? I can't WILL positivity. I run into these bumps? And it's now flattening me. I SWAM past these bitches in 1998 when I put together 4tvs, and trust me - this is NOTHING compared to what it took to put that show together. Now? I see no reason to fight. I have nothing left. Nothing gets the fire goin'. It's like the iPad Comic idea. I do it once and just... blah. Don't want to do it again - bummed I can't do it live because of the glare from the screen. Can't really think of a way to do it only on the net and stay topical and funny. But, as I said in my annual drinking video (which I can't load - wonderful): I don't care. I just don't give a shit... about anything.
What do you do? I haven't the slightest idea how to fix that. I need a direction to run in... you know what I need? The ability to be naive again. Ouch. That song, boy. It's the same with women, the same with my career. They are parallel. I feel I've already experienced how it's gonna end, so I can't really be passionate about it again. And I know what everyone is gonna say, and why you CAN believe again... but the point to that is simple: you could say that to me 10 years ago, and I did it. I have jumped after failure more than any person I've ever read about, known, seen... anything. There's always a line, and as I've said all year? I think I crossed it last November. I keep seeing this vision...
It's an incredible leaf. It's huge, interesting, stands out... but there's no denying it has fallen. I want to believe I'm the tree, and these leaves are just the pieces of the story that come and go... but I feel like I'm the leaf. God how I wish I could shake that feeling, but how many goddamn times have I written that this year! JESUS. STOP. I am trying desperately to funnel this negativity into something positive, but days like yesterday happen - I look up and I am broker than broke (financially, emotionally, spiritually...) and I have nowhere to go...
...ya know what I do though? I sit at the piano and sing. I write. I tell stories. I guess that's the answer. I do art because it medicates me. I would like to do it live in front of people. I would like to have the TV to tell the stories a bit richer and more unique than others. So I will probably push myself closer to bankruptcy for the 3 minutes of joy that song brings me. Where I'm gonna try and find the energy to get people to come out to another show is beyond me, but I'm just gonna build it. Maybe they'll come.