I'm hoping I can accurately
portray this. The irony feels like writing a blog on
my hatred of blogs... and, jesus, I've even done that
haven't I. (sigh)
The utmost truth is, I don't
want to write this... but it's the truth and
I feel bound to it. I am
SICK OF FUCKING READING IT, but
it's the truth and I feel bound to it. I am
HURTING MY CAREER
BY MAKING THIS PUBLIC, but it's the
truth and I feel bound to it. My hope is, that
this is just one of those infamous Journey Valleys
that are so interesting to look back on because it all
gets better. However having lived those? This feels
very different.
As usual, it's based in logic...
but it's logic I used to defy. I announce
the big show idea and have been looking at the
cheapest ways to pull this off. Trying desperately to
get it at the $1000 mark. $4-500 for the digital
piano, $4-500 for the TV and $100 for the media
player. Found an after-Christmas sale for a $399 LG 42
inch 1080p TV, no sales tax. Great start.
I get there, and it's the
worst electronics store you've ever been in. One of
those
"have-to-have-a-salesman-help-you-cheat-you-at-every-corner"
places. I get an order slip for the TV and when
they ring it up: sales tax. I mention it, she
says they took the sales tax out of the price of the
TV (sigh). I explain what the ad said, and
she then says "this is a special product". A manager
comes up and says "no, it's because it's a
doorbuster". We walk to the ad, I read it to him
it says quite clearly: "Free sales tax on
ALL flat screen TVs, excludes all other
doorbusters." He reads it back to me and leaves out
the word "other". I express that the word "other"
is the KEY WORD. I will get slightly racist here and
express that I wasn't going to argue the grammar
of the sentence when he could barely speak english.
They're gonna win this fight. It was a common scam
when you go to smaller stores and I was the 3rd
unhappy person (in a line of 8 waiting) and the store
had been open 5 minutes. I just left and picked up a
media player that I'm still toying with to see if
it'll work for the show. Still mind blowing to me that
a tiny little box can play my HD files better
than my laptop could for $99.
I get home and look up TVs, and
even with the other place trying to rip me off?
There's nothing even close to the price available
online. So I really should've just taken that
deal. UGH. Then I go to load footage from my
camera (also remarkably crucial for the show and,
well, my whole life) and suddenly it has the same
freaking mechanical issue I had with the camera
this replaced. Some bizarre mechanical issue with
Canon HV20s that tells you to remove the cassette even
when there's no cassette in there. I know, I
should be well past tape and I do have a camera that
does digital files, but the picture is head and
shoulders better on the HV20 and beyond that -
I have a hundred HD tapes that I need
access to. I had JUST bought this camera on
craigslist (they don't make it anymore) and it was in
MINT condition. I go online and see that
indeed several people have had this issue with their
HV20s on seemingly no use. They just insert a tape one
day - it gives that warning and then you can never
load another tape. I've tried to clean the heads, do
everything possible, and unfortunately it's a
ridiculously expensive mechanical issue. More than the
price of a new camera (which is why I just bought
a new camera online this summer).
And then it starts: the logic.
What the fuck am I doing? To say I have no
money is to say I'm not gonna score 30 points for the
Lakers tomorrow night. I'm WELL BEYOND no money,
so what am I doing? There is no business model with
this show, this is no CAREER model with this show.
There just isn't. I think of my dad's band he put
together. The man is 60 and he's still doing projects.
I sit in wonder at his ability to believe in another
project... and then I remember: "oh yeah, there
actually is logical potential that they will get
paid". There is an actual business model. Now, I
believe they do it more for the fun of it than the
money, but imagine how quickly that fun goes away when
you spend hundreds if not thousands of dollars you
don't have... and then, not only will you not get paid
to perform (nevermind the hours upon hours of work it
takes to put together the show), you will have to PAY
for the privilege of performing. And? You're not
really doing this for your career (as I was with 4tvs
- something I believed would get me to another level).
A sane person doesn't do that. You HAVE to have one of
the two. Either you see it taking you somewhere, or
you're getting paid. I can't even use the shaky
THIRD reason which is exposing more people to
this site. Why?
'CAUSE WHO WANTS TO READ THIS SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT?
I don't even want to. When I spoke to Gary
last week, that came up. It's funny he mentioned it as
if I didn't already know this, but he's one of the
people that after the last big letdown with Comedy
Central... just let go. Like, can't follow it anymore.
People get into The Journey because they see the
talent, they like it or me, and they wanna see me make
it. Then things get goin'... something breaks...
everyone gets excited, viewership gets bigger? And
then SLAM. Done. Gone. Entries upon entries of woe.
Whoop. E. Everyone abandons it. With good fuckin'
reason. People have their own shitty lives, they don't
need to follow mine. And I don't begrudge them at all.
How can I? I don't want to WRITE THIS. LOL.
I know, I know - so
don't, right? Then what the hell has been the point
for 11 years? I announced the show, I'm
accountable to that. Just say "meh, don't wanna" and
move on? Am I not trying to tell a story?
I can't WILL positivity. I run into these
bumps? And it's now flattening me. I SWAM past these
bitches in 1998 when I put together 4tvs, and
trust me - this is NOTHING compared to what it took to
put that show together. Now? I see no reason to
fight. I have nothing left. Nothing gets the fire
goin'. It's like the iPad Comic idea. I do it
once and just... blah. Don't want to do it again -
bummed I can't do it live because of the glare
from the screen. Can't really think of a way to do it
only on the net and stay topical and funny. But, as
I said in my annual drinking video (which
I can't load - wonderful): I don't care.
I just don't give a shit... about
anything.
What do you do? I haven't the
slightest idea how to fix that. I need a
direction to run in... you know what I need? The
ability to be naive again. Ouch. That song, boy. It's
the same with women, the same with my career. They are
parallel. I feel I've already experienced how it's
gonna end, so I can't really be passionate about
it again. And I know what everyone is gonna say,
and why you CAN believe again... but the point to that
is simple: you could say that to me 10 years ago, and
I did it. I have jumped after failure more than
any person I've ever read about, known, seen...
anything. There's always a line, and as I've said all
year? I think I crossed it last November.
I keep seeing this vision...
It's an incredible leaf. It's
huge, interesting, stands out... but there's no
denying it has fallen. I want to believe I'm the tree,
and these leaves are just the pieces of the story that
come and go... but I feel like I'm the leaf. God
how I wish I could shake that feeling, but
how many goddamn times have I written that this
year! JESUS. STOP. I am trying desperately to
funnel this negativity into something positive, but
days like yesterday happen - I look up and
I am broker than broke (financially, emotionally,
spiritually...) and I have nowhere to
go...
...ya know what I do though?
I sit at the piano and sing. I write. I tell
stories. I guess that's the answer. I do art
because it medicates me. I would like to do it
live in front of people. I would like to have the
TV to tell the stories a bit richer and more unique
than others. So I will probably push myself
closer to bankruptcy for the 3 minutes of joy that
song brings me. Where I'm gonna try and find the
energy to get people to come out to another show is
beyond me, but I'm just gonna build it. Maybe they'll
come.
