Entry #1104
9:54 PM, December 16th, 2010:
In return for decades of heartache, I'm given the ability to do this...
That's why you can hardly fault the "Journey Gods" for kicking my ass so much. If that song is what comes from it? You can't help but think: 'kick that dude's ass some more'. I know that this isn't gonna help my anti-narcisissm claim, but that was the first take and when I watched it back on my big screen I got goosebumps. <shakes head at how ridiculously arrogant that sounds> But, sometimes this shit is just beyond you, and it really feels like magic. I usually check to see if it's a good enough take to upload and I heard this pain and emotion in my voice that only 35 years could produce. It's times like this that I am ever-so-grateful for all I've been through, even though I'd enjoy a breather right about now.
Soooooooo WHO IS IT ABOUT?!?! Not sure if this is pathetic or not, but it could easily be about several people (yes, even with the Central Park line) and I will keep it that way. The point is not who it's about, it's what it's about: getting back into a relationship from your past. And I don't mean that period where you have sex again after you broke up... we all do that. I mean, it's over. Years. Amazing, even saying "years" doesn't even narrow it down for those wondering who it's about. Good fucking LORD I have a long romantic history. Anyway, I've never done it. Jess and I toyed with it in 2005, but it had only been months. It's a fascinating concept to me because it is presumably something that you closed the door on, came to terms with, and were finally happy about. So it's quite a mindfuck to process it.
That is honestly all the song is; processing the idea of it all. The song is far more poetic and dramatic than the actual situation. That's really not intentional, it's just my ability to honestly, sincerely and completely put myself in that future situation. I closed my eyes thought of what my first feelings would be. I was instantly a 5 year old little boy:
"Please don't leave me. I want to believe you won't abandon me if I do this. Was I not good enough when I loved you? I wish love was all that mattered. Maybe this is possible? Maybe we just need to anticipate it? Please don't leave me again. Please don't leave me again."
Crazy how that happens, isn't it? It's sooooooooooooo a product of this site, and being open about my life for so long. I can be in any moment instantly and feel exactly what I'd feel. It's moments like this that make me realize all of this is worth it. I need to remember that. Mine is the lemonade life. I have to have the lemons. Some people cannot make lemonade and get innundated with lemons and are miserable. Yes, I'm fucking sick of lemonade, but at least I have the sugar to make it.
And this particular glass of lemonade may just push me into music in 2011. Comedy is subjective, but that song isn't subjective at all to me. It's very hard to ignore that as a path. Playing out live and recording these songs legitimately. I have so much strong material that I have thrown away and hidden on this site. They are the foundation of The Journey. This could be the crossroads for me. It would be a nice outcome for one fuck of a shitty year...
...and on the whole "situation"? Don't read a whole lot into it. As I said, the song is far more poetic and dramatic than the reality. The reality is simply a conversation about 'what if' and it stirred something in me that produced that song. Thankfully, I believe it's universal to a whole lot of people out there. I hope everyone gets to hear it.
PS - I don't want to totally explain every line of the song, but I have to make one part clear as it is the title. By saying I want to be "naive again", I'm not putting down the person or the situation as if I'd have to be naive to believe it would work. The want is to have the naivity that experience erases. As grateful as I am for experience, there is absolutely a part of me that wishes I didn't know everything I know so I could jump with a free mind. I have long lost the ability to do that. At least I can still jump.
Can you promise not to leave again,
Can you promise not to go,
What id give to just believe again,
But I dont know, I don't know,
Was it wrong when I made love to you?
Were you wrong to let me go?
What I'd give to to just make love to you,
I don't know, I don't know,
Maybe there's another quiet moment waiting,
I close my eyes you're still around,
Maybe all we need are months anticipating,
Maybe we would turn it down,
Can you promise not to leave again,
Can you promise not to go,
What I'd give to just receive again,
I don't know, I don't know,
Can we really act like lovers in the dark,
Without remembering the cries,
Can we really take a walk in Central Park,
With all that wonder in our eyes,
If you promise not to leave again,
I will promise not to go,
What I'd give to be naive again,
But I don't know, I don't know.