In return for
decades of heartache, I'm given the ability to do
this...
That's why you can
hardly fault the "Journey Gods" for kicking my ass so
much. If that song is what comes from it? You can't
help but think: 'kick that dude's ass some more'. I
know that this isn't gonna help my anti-narcisissm
claim, but that was the first take and when I watched
it back on my big screen I got goosebumps.
<shakes head at how ridiculously arrogant that
sounds> But, sometimes this shit is just beyond
you, and it really feels like magic. I usually
check to see if it's a good enough take to upload and
I heard this pain and emotion in my voice that only 35
years could produce. It's times like this that I am
ever-so-grateful for all I've been through, even
though I'd enjoy a breather right about
now.
Soooooooo
WHO IS IT ABOUT?!?! Not sure if this is
pathetic or not, but it could easily be about several
people (yes, even with the Central Park line) and
I will keep it that way. The point is not who
it's about, it's what it's about: getting back into a
relationship from your past. And I don't mean
that period where you have sex again after you broke
up... we all do that. I mean, it's over. Years.
Amazing, even saying "years" doesn't even narrow it
down for those wondering who it's about. Good fucking
LORD I have a long romantic history. Anyway, I've
never done it. Jess and I toyed with it in 2005,
but it had only been months. It's a fascinating
concept to me because it is presumably something that
you closed the door on, came to terms with, and were
finally happy about. So it's quite a mindfuck to
process it.
That is honestly
all the song is; processing the idea of it all. The
song is far more poetic and dramatic than the actual
situation. That's really not intentional, it's just my
ability to honestly, sincerely and completely
put myself in that future situation. I closed my eyes
thought of what my first feelings would be. I was
instantly a 5 year old little boy:
"Please
don't leave me. I want to believe you won't abandon
me if I do this. Was I not good enough
when I loved you? I wish love was all
that mattered. Maybe this is possible? Maybe we
just need to anticipate it? Please don't leave me
again. Please don't leave me
again."
Crazy how that
happens, isn't it? It's sooooooooooooo a product of
this site, and being open about my life for so long.
I can be in any moment instantly and feel exactly
what I'd feel. It's moments like this that make me
realize all of this is worth it. I need to
remember that. Mine is the lemonade life. I have to
have the lemons. Some people cannot make lemonade and
get innundated with lemons and are miserable. Yes, I'm
fucking sick of lemonade, but at least I have the
sugar to make it.
And this
particular glass of lemonade may just push me into
music in 2011. Comedy is subjective, but that song
isn't subjective at all to me. It's very hard to
ignore that as a path. Playing out live and recording
these songs legitimately. I have so much strong
material that I have thrown away and hidden on this
site. They are the foundation of The Journey. This
could be the crossroads for me. It would be a nice
outcome for one fuck of a shitty year...
...and on the
whole "situation"? Don't read a whole lot into it. As
I said, the song is far more poetic and dramatic
than the reality. The reality is simply a conversation
about 'what if' and it stirred something in me that
produced that song. Thankfully, I believe it's
universal to a whole lot of people out there. I hope
everyone gets to hear it.
Adam
PS - I don't want to totally
explain every line of the song, but I have to
make one part clear as it is the title. By saying
I want to be "naive again", I'm not putting down
the person or the situation as if I'd have to be naive
to believe it would work. The want is to have the
naivity that experience erases. As grateful as
I am for experience, there is absolutely a part
of me that wishes I didn't know everything
I know so I could jump with a free mind. I
have long lost the ability to do that. At least
I can still jump.
