While googling the
symptoms of "narcissistic personality
disorder" it occurred to me, shouldn't that be
one of the symptoms? Googling narcissism?
:-)
This was all
prompted by someone else's therapist diagnosing ME
through her description of me. <shrugs>
Actually, that doesn't even bother me as I've
witnessed first hand how a therapist weaves paths of
thought to help their patient... so whatever helps is
more than acceptable. It has no affect on me... unless
of course that person selfishly calls me and tells me.
<shakes head> On Zoe's birthday to boot. Already
a very trying and emotional day, and now you have
to throw this into my already neurotic brain?
Wonderful. With friends like these boy...
So since I'm a
sucker for googling symptoms (as we found out last
month when I googled HIV symptoms and thought I was
DYING) away we go. I hit the first link, took a deep
breath and truly readied myself for a big epiphany...
'cause come on, who am I kidding? At first thought,
this diagnosis doesn't seem like such a stretch. I
mean, it's Adam & The EGOS for a
reason, the last thing I can do is sit here and
act like I don't think highly of myself. So I figured
I'd make an entry about it because most people would
absolutely NOT face something this close to
home publicly, and well... that's what I do. I
was called out, and I'm a big boy and can admit I have
some strange wiring issues upstairs. I also apparently
have a vagina and like doing goofy tests that
you would find in a Glamour magazine about boyfriend
compatibility. (sigh)
A person with
narcissistic personality disorder:
* Reacts to
criticism with rage, shame, or
humiliation
Alright, can
easily say this one doesn't apply to me. I BEG for
criticism and when I get it I usually share it with
everyone I can to get as much information as
possible. For example, writing an entry like this.
Devil's advocate though: Isn't begging for
criticism narcissistic? :-)
* Takes
advantage of other people to achieve his or her own
goals
Oh I fuckin'
wish I had this. HA. I'm kidding of course,
but you can imagine how often these situations come
up in show-business and I look back on several
moments where I probably could've achieved more if
I had been a bit more of a dick. Also, don't
you have to achieve GOALS for this to be true?
LMAO.
* Has feelings
of self-importance
Not so much
this year, but in general? Yeah, absolutely.
+1
* Exaggerates
achievements and talents
Oh my response
to this ought to help my case (sigh) "I don't have
to." HA. Now I will admit I have the urge to
exaggerate achievements in an effort to get further
ahead in the industry, but this website really
keeps it from happening. I want so desperately to
tell the exact happenings of each situation, that I
simply cannot exaggerate. No, I can safely say
I try more than most to portray the absolute
truth.
* Is
preoccupied with fantasies of success, power,
beauty, intelligence, or ideal love
This is
really grey for me. Preoccupied with being
successful? Absolutely. It's the basis of this
site. Preoccupied with a fantasy of success?
That's where I'm a bit puzzled. Fantasy implies
it's not based in reality. I mean, I'm unemployed
so I'm pretty preoccupied with finding success. You
know? Now, I could give two shits about power or
money. I'm certainly not pre-occupied with beauty
(as anyone who sees how I dress half the time can
attest to). I actually am intelligent
and the only time I even think about that is
when I'm around those that aren't (ha). And
finally, I've all but given up on ideal love.
I vehemently believe this doesn't apply to me,
but for the sake of being fair, and because I can
hear someone arguing that this site is the
DEFINITION of pre-occupation I'll make this a
+1.
* Has
unreasonable expectations of favorable
treatment
Absolutely not.
Treat me as I treat you, period.
* Requires
constant attention and admiration
Spend an hour
with me and see how little this holds true. See,
this is the one everyone who reads this site that
doesn't know me in person assumes right off the
bat. I honestly don't want to talk about myself.
I want desperately to talk about the other
person in almost every situation. I interview the
interviewer on job interviews. I'm sick of me.
I lack all networking skills because
I just want friggin' PEACE when
I interact with people. A guy who I play four
square with came up to me after a couple of weeks
and was like: "HUH?" when he stumbled upon
all the other stuff I do. He thought
I just made four square videos. Now I do
want to be admired, sure, but from afar and
more in the vein of inspiring others to reach for
the stars. In person, I'm not sure you can find
someone who wants the spotlight on him less. It's
just boring to
me.
* Disregards
the feelings of others, lacks empathy
Christ, can
I get a
-5
for this? Regards the feelings of others TOO
goddamn much? Empathizes with every single person
TOO goddamn much? Seriously, can a
writer/songwriter EVER lack empathy? It's the
foundation of everything I am.
* Has obsessive
self-interest
Well, when I'm
alone I do. When I was married I didn't. How
the fuck do you answer this? I say the way I
interact with others shows that I'm not obsessed
with myself, but I do spend a lot of time alone,
and again this site is certainly obsessively
detailed. Ugh, so again, in the interest of giving
all grey areas to having the disorder I'll
hand this one over as well.
+1
* Pursues
mainly selfish goals
<rolling
eyes> Nothing vague about this. Again, when I'm
alone and don't have a job? I am absolutely focused
on selfish goals. This site is about striving to
make it in this industry, and since I don't
presently have a wife that I can focus on?
I guess I'm mainly pursuing selfish goals.
Devil's Advocate on this one? I've always
felt that everyone pursues selfish
goals, people just have different turn ons. If
you're turned on by volunteering at a soup kitchen
and I'm turned on by writing and sharing a song,
you can argue that in the end we're both getting
the same thing out of it. We're both doing what we
want and expressing ourselves. Either way, in the
interest of being fair, as a single man this is
+1
Alright, so how
did I do? As a single man I have roughly 4 out of
the 10 traits for this disorder (though I could
easily argue that to 2). And in a marriage it is
undoubtedly 2 out of 10. Even though I clearly
don't have the disorder, I don't even want to be
narcissistic at all. On paper (errr, monitor) I can
see how I am, but it just doesn't hold water in
person. The truth is, I wouldn't be doing my job if I
wasn't constantly trying to find a way to be
successful in this industry. It is absolutely a
self-driven, self-centered business. These are the
talents I was given, I'm trying to do right by
them. However when it comes to interpersonal
relationships? It's not even close. I mean, why do you
think I maintain friendships for so long? I care
deeply for others, honestly to my own detriment. Now,
the irony of the person who brought this up to me is
that she might be second only to Donna with how many
hours I devoted to explaining and reexplaining things
to help her understand how I felt. I care deeply
for her, and feel responsible for many of the
heartaches she has felt. I never cut myself off to her
when she needed me to talk, I tried desperately to
reframe our conversations so maybe she would
understand... didn't matter. In fact, it made things
worse. The truth is, it was her selfish need
for me to fit her mould that made it so dramatic and
difficult. Ending with calling me in the middle of the
night knowing Jess was having her baby later that
morning to lay all this crap on me...
In the end it's
all a matter of experience. We're all narcissists as
babies and then you get your ass handed to ya. I
guess she hasn't had enough of that yet. The more you
experience failure, the more humbled you become... and
pretty soon you stop judging so much and just worry
about survivin' and surrounding yourself with loving
people that love you for who you are. And I know that
sounds clichéd, but it has a renewed meaning to
me that has taken decades to fully understand. Loving
someone for who they are means when they say "I can
only be your friend", you hug them and thank them for
their friendship. You don't badger them for not being
able to be more. It's like screamin' at a dude in a
wheelchair that won't walk... FOR YOU. God that's
the best analogy ever...
Her: "Why
can't you walk for me!"
Me: "I'm
broken."
Her: "So
you're never gonna walk again?"
Me: "Didn't say
that, don't know that, I just can't walk
now."
Her:
"You're gonna walk for somebody else."
Me:
"I may, but what the fuck does that have to do
with it? I can't walk now."
Her: "And
in the meantime, you're gonna park in ALLL the
handicapped spaces you can find."
Me: "Of
course I am. That's the only advantage of being in
a wheel chair."
Her: "You won't
even TRY to walk for me."
Me: "It hurts.
When it stops hurting? I'll try to
walk."
Sounds crazy,
right? Except I'm the crazy one for having that
discussion for two years and thinking I could
explain it a bit better to her this time and
not get shit on. Dumbass. It's funny, looking at it
now? That list of symptoms does seem to apply here...
just not for the dude in the wheelchair. <shakes
head> Whatever, not my place - that's for her and
her therapist to deal with. I'm out.
And yes,
I mean OUT. A rarity. No open door, no open line
of communication, no happy peace - she doesn't deserve
that - fuck that. Sick of being badgered... and of all
the days to do it! SO SELF-CENTERED. You've got
to Let Them Drown.
That's two
cut-offs in as many months after a lifetime of keeping
the line of communication open. I'm not sure if that's
a sign of regressing or growing, but there's no longer
an alternative. I'm not strong enough to put up with
the shit anymore. Can we please start 2011
now?
