Entry #1094
7:21 PM, November 11th 2010:
I hesitated before posting this, but then realized nearly everyone on the planet has had this moment. Mine of course was taped and had just enough of a wrinkle, to actually make it a good story.
So I've had a nagging cold for weeks now. That's rare for me. Not only do I usually avoid getting sick completely (unless I'm living with someone who gets sick - and even then I fight it pretty good), if I do get sick? I knock through it in like 2 days. So getting up every morning with a sore throat and congestion? For weeks? Was more than bizarre...
...and of course I just decide to Google HIV symptoms. Don't ever do that. 'Cause it's the same as the flu. Throw in the fact that things just never linger this long? Well now I'm nervous. Of course now comes the embarrassing paragraph - but you know me, I don't tend to hide much...
I have no reason to think I have HIV. I'm very safe. However... how do I put this lightly... uhm, alright - I never have, nor probably never will receive a blow job with a condom on. Alright. And of course the reverse is true. Wait, that sounds wrong. I meant going down, uhhh... I've never wrapped her up with saran wrap or a dental dam. This is a wonderful entry Adam. Jesus christ what I'm trying to say is there's not really safe oral sex, so the bottom line? Ya never know. Granted there are far riskier behaviors than oral sex, but the bottom line is - if you have ever had unprotected oral sex and you're getting an HIV test? You're a little nervous. Throw in the lingering cold? Well now you're a little freaked. Throw in easily the worst calendar year of your life? Fuck it, you're taping this shit - because this could be massive.
Now the one last piece that makes this video intense? I am completely alone at the clinic. I guess 2pm on a Wednesday is a good time to walk-in. While I'm waiting for my results? The announce over the loud speaker that they need "Maureen the Social Worker" to come to the clinic.
And this, is when, I capture real, raw, intense, life:
Couple things about that video:
1) Before they called for her, it was running through my head "how do they tell you you're positive?". I've had the "negative" talk a dozen times, but I assume they bring someone else in if it's positive because I'll be honest? I'd be a danger to myself if I got that news - and I can only imagine they've run into some pretty bad shit telling that news. So that was already in my head as I was waiting. So when I heard them call for a social worker? Oh fuck.
2) At :38 I nearly drop the camera as my body kinda goes limp.
3) The social worker walks in at :51 and I love watching how closely my eyes follow her walking in front of me. This is legitimate nerves.
4) That's what scared/nervous looks like for all the people wondering after jumping out of a plane. Thank GOD I still have the ability to be scared. At least I haven't completely lost the ability to feel.
5) At 1:24 I mumble "holy shit", and then at 1:34 I continue to mumble "I'm positive, I'm positive, I'm positive." Them calling the social worker in just absolutely convinced me. Fuuuuuuuck.
6) At the very end the dude goes "So everything turned out good, with the test". Nearly impossible to understand, but I had to put it in there after the first two minutes. Heh.
So of course, everything's fine - totally clean on all counts. But, wow - that really sucked. A bunch. And I really hope people appreciate just how much I put out there. I tend to brush it off when people mention how open I am, but this is one of those times where I'm fully aware that most people would NOT tape this shit. They would certainly not make an entry/video about it on a video blog, and for the love of fuck that oral sex paragraph was excruciating. HA.
But it's the truth. And that really does set you free.