I hesitated before posting this,
but then realized nearly everyone on the planet has
had this moment. Mine of course was taped and had just
enough of a wrinkle, to actually make it a good
So I've had a nagging cold for
weeks now. That's rare for me. Not only do
I usually avoid getting sick completely (unless
I'm living with someone who gets sick - and even then
I fight it pretty good), if I do get sick? I
knock through it in like 2 days. So getting up every
morning with a sore throat and congestion? For weeks?
Was more than bizarre...
...and of course I just
decide to Google HIV symptoms. Don't ever
do that. 'Cause it's the same as the flu. Throw in
the fact that things just never linger this long? Well
now I'm nervous. Of course now comes the embarrassing
paragraph - but you know me, I don't tend to hide
I have no reason to think
I have HIV. I'm very safe. However... how do
I put this lightly... uhm, alright - I never
have, nor probably never will receive a blow job with
a condom on. Alright. And of course the reverse is
true. Wait, that sounds wrong. I meant going down,
uhhh... I've never wrapped her up with saran wrap or a
dental dam. This is a wonderful entry Adam. Jesus
christ what I'm trying to say is there's not really
safe oral sex, so the bottom line? Ya never know.
Granted there are far riskier behaviors than oral sex,
but the bottom line is - if you have ever had
unprotected oral sex and you're getting an
HIV test? You're a little nervous. Throw in the
lingering cold? Well now you're a little freaked.
Throw in easily the worst calendar year of your
life? Fuck it, you're taping this shit - because this
could be massive.
Now the one last piece that makes
this video intense? I am completely alone at
the clinic. I guess 2pm on a Wednesday is a good
time to walk-in. While I'm waiting for my results? The
announce over the loud speaker that they need "Maureen
the Social Worker" to come to the clinic.
And this, is when, I capture
real, raw, intense, life:
Couple things about that
1) Before they called for her,
it was running through my head "how do they tell
you you're positive?". I've had the
"negative" talk a dozen times, but
I assume they bring someone else in if it's
positive because I'll be honest? I'd be a danger to
myself if I got that news - and I can only
imagine they've run into some pretty bad shit
telling that news. So that was already in my head
as I was waiting. So when I heard them
call for a social worker? Oh fuck.
2) At :38 I nearly drop the
camera as my body kinda goes limp.
3) The social worker walks in
at :51 and I love watching how closely my eyes
follow her walking in front of me. This is
4) That's what scared/nervous
looks like for all the people wondering after
jumping out of a plane. Thank GOD I still have the
ability to be scared. At least I haven't completely
lost the ability to feel.
5) At 1:24 I mumble "holy
shit", and then at 1:34 I continue to mumble
"I'm positive, I'm positive, I'm positive." Them
calling the social worker in just absolutely
convinced me. Fuuuuuuuck.
6) At the very end the dude
goes "So everything turned out good, with the
test". Nearly impossible to understand, but
I had to put it in there after the first two
So of course, everything's fine -
totally clean on all counts. But, wow - that really
sucked. A bunch. And I really hope people appreciate
just how much I put out there. I tend
to brush it off when people mention how open
I am, but this is one of those times where I'm
fully aware that most people would NOT tape this shit.
They would certainly not make an entry/video about it
on a video blog, and for the love of fuck that oral
sex paragraph was excruciating. HA.
But it's the truth. And that
really does set you free.